Rebuilding Life

[merlin58]

Help/advice/something needed.

After an abusive 10 year marrage I am now on my own. New life, new job, different part of the country. Hardly anyone to talk to. (no contact with the step-kids, my ex-wife has seen to that) I and truth, I am a bit scared. All a bit sad at 49, dont you think? My marrage finally failed around three months ago and I had a really rough christmas and new year.

Thing is, my self esteem is at an all time low. Though I have a resonably good job, bit of cash and I am buying a flat of my own in a few weeks (staying with an old friend at the moment) I just cant be bothered with anything.

I should be excited and looking forward to things I am not. I Dont drink or smoke so what do I turn too? What I am facing is a total rebuild of my life and I dont feel up to it. I just dont feel I have anything to offer anyone. I am told I am hard to live with and load of other far worse things. And some of it is true, I am a moody git. I feel that I will now be on my own from now on as if I try and start another relationship it wll just fall apart again. I dont want that. I dont want to loose another home either. I have now lost two.

Its a classic catch 22. Dont want to let anyone in my life because I am afraid of what will happen when it goes wrong. As it always does. So I feel worse about living on my own. I have just had enough of it all at the moment.

Anyone help?

[sense4all]

You are being a bit hard on yourself - that is a lot of crap to go through, even the very best balanced people can be knocked off kilter by such turmoil. Don't forget that you have made choices and now you have to get on with it and get a whole lot of firsts out of the way. I think you would be a numpty if you didn't feel a bit out of sorts, take your time- take stock and act on your new found circumstances, not react.

[Quoi]

merlin58 - Totally sympathise with you mate - this is similar to my situation but you are a bit further down the road than I am.
To be honest you need to talk to the doc about depression because thats what your problem is. Lots of men dont want to do this but ask for talking therapy instead of drug therapy. Read about it and you will see what I mean.

[cazzzz1975]

After all that has happened its time to get back to basics and re discover yourself again, I wouldnt be thinking of relationships or anything thats to complicated. You need some time to take stock and learn about what you like and what you might want to do in the short term.

In time it will get easier, for now dont stress yourself out by thinking of what you feel you have to do and just think about what you like to do.

[CathH]

You are probably going through the grieving process. The end of a marraige, however abusive or unhappy is always a sad occasion. Give yourself time.

You need to look ahead, I know its bleak at the moment but dont look for any relationships yet. Take each day as it comes and look at the positives in your life - You have a good job, you are getting your own flat and you are not on the bread line!

You are allowed to be scared - it is scary being on your own, but you will get through it.

Good luck !

[Le Chat]

I agree with all the other post. Don't even let yourself think about another relationship!
Your last paragraph, although very pessimistic is not necessarily the truth. Earlier in your post you said you were difficult to live with and a 'moody git! The good news is that we can't change what we don't acknowledge ...and you are acknowledging it! There are plenty of blokes in relationships, who are completely oblivious to their own faults and contributions to a bad marriage ... and will never see failure as having the remotest link to anything that they have done. So you need to think hard about what went wrong twice ..and if the same patterns followed in relationships previous to those. Identify what you could improve on and make a positive effort to change - behave your way to success.
If you never let anyone into your life again, then you will build an invisible protective wall around you ..and it can get as lonely behind the wall as it is scary to knock it down and 'risk' another chance at love.

[winny]

Merlin I am not going to get into emotional stuff cus Im not good at it. I feel for you and can see your points. It is good you can see your faults and it is very brave of you to put your foot down and leave a bad place. Try joining a night course or may be a first aid course with the red cross. I have been in the red cross years and we have loads of different people on courses and they usually leave feeling more confident. You must have a local college that may have an interesting class on. What about a gym. Maybe a volunteer centre may have something you fancy. And no you will not be the "saddo" with no friends. Everyone has their own reasons to volunteer. You are good to not turn to the drink, it never got anyone anywhere. Chin up it is a new year and new begining. Neither Rome nor a new life was built in a day, all will come in time.l Good luck and best wishes.

[figure]

Merlin, you've gotten some very good free advice on here. You recognising your faults and weakness is a very big step in your recovery and healing. Things will get better as time goes. Do visit again and talk to us. Best wishes and good luck to you!

[Whoever]

Merlin - You have just gone through a very difficult period which is a different kind of bereavement and loss. It will take time to adjust. You are being very hard on yourself when actually you are doing well putting your life back together and close to buying a new home. I think your first step should be to find yourself a new GP and get yourself checked over because it does rather sound as if you're suffering from depression. Some medication in the short term might help you. But check out your local library and see what kind of organisations and activities are advertising themselves there - possibly some Evening Classes, or volunteering opportunities where you will start to meet local people. Or perhaps an occasional visit to a church that has a social group attached to it. Don't rule out options because they are things you haven't done in the past. Try to pluck up a little courage to try something new. And bear in mind that this is currently the coldest, darkest most miserable time of the year and even a saint would feel a little down and below par. Give yourself a few weeks. Don't be in a hurry to start a new relationship. You are not yet in the right frame of mind to make one work and have admitted there are things about yourself you don't like, so try and work on them to make a positive improvement. But above all, give yourself some time and space and I'm sure that things will improve for you.

[bananie]

I would treat it like it is - a new start. get new friends and some interests. do things that you enjoy and that make you happy. whatever happens, happens. you will meet someone eventually. maybe you are just not the living with kind of guy. plenty of people have really successful relationships and live apart. maybe a touch depressed as well so maybe you should do something about that.
I wish you luck anyway

[Ice.Maiden]

I agree with cazzzz and le chat. It's too soon to be thinking about new relationships while everything's still raw. Immerse yourself in getting your flat how you want it, and then take up any offers of socialising, whether it's through work, a hobby or whatever. Write a list of your good and bad points, and try to work on the latter - but remember, no matter who you are, no one's perfect. When you come into contact with females, learn to listen to them and give your attention. Women like an appreciative listener! I'm sure you have a lot to offer the right person, but just take it slowly.

[merlin58]

Thanks to all of you who took the time to post an answer. I dont ever feel like I can trust again and, in truth, am not willing to try. I really just dont want to know about living with anyone ever again.

Also, most woman my age have kids and I really will never bring up another mans children again. Look where it got me last time.

Losing my marrage was a relief in the end. But it still makes me very sad to think about it.

Thanks to you all.

[Ice.Maiden]

Sounds like the situation's relatively new yet Merlin - I wouldn't even be THINKING about whether you'll be able to trust again or not. It must deflate people when they lose everything, and I can understand the pain it carries, but not everyone in the world's out to hurt, take or deceive their partners, and if you're lucky enough to find someone else that you fall in love with, then these reservations should disappear. Best of luck to you.

[Whoever]

Merlin, I understand how you feel about trust and you are obviously still feeling very wounded and vulnerable. But please don't give up on the human race. I can assure you there are still many of us out here in the big wide world who are prepared to work and stick at our relationships, and hopefully in time, when you are back on your feet, you will find a relationship that is valuable to you. But while it's understandable you will be cautious, don't completely close off your options now. Every relationship has something special to offer to those who are prepared to go the distance. I hope in time you'll feel ready to share at least part of your life with somebody again.