Update - Or advice if you don't trust them.......

[jkkerr]

Hi all Thought you might be interested on an update on my posts from 2006... http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Body-and-Soul/Q uestion248202.html http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Body-and-Soul/Q uestion249811.html

After 21 months my boyfriend and I have decided to split. I loved him and tried very hard but at the end of the day, the trust was gone. The paranoia turned me into a mega-snoop and it was making me ill. Although I'm actually glad that at least it wasn't all paranoia.....ie when I snooped, I found! If anyone out there is in a similar situation, all I can say is that while I'm sure some people can overcome cheating/lying/lying by omission, I wish I had taken heed at the beginning.....then I wouldn't be looking for somewhere else to live! Much love x

[mrs_overall]

Put it down to experience and put it behind you. You say you wished you'd taken heed at the beginning, but it wasn't to be. Take a deep breath and get on with and enjoy the rest of your life!
Good luck.

[jno]

it's still not clear what, if anything, he did. (Sorry if I've missed some important piece of evidence.) Sounds like it was your snooping that led to the breakup. I think you will be happier this way, and you've certainly given it a go before giving up. But do you think you'll be able to trust the next man you get close to? I realise you weren't snooping at first, just curious. But you will have to avoid becoming permanently bitter and suspicious about men as a result of this incident. Good luck, but it may not be easy.

[Roy262]

Once the trust has gone its hard to get it back if at all..
Me and others have or are trying to get over some one who lied and cheated on us..
I didn't snoop i wanted to but i guess was frightened of the truth plus blinded by what i thought was love..
Time is a great healer and it will get better xx

[raysparx1]

You have done the right thing, "No future in the past" if you can't trust somebody no point in being with them, plenty of blokes out there that won't crap on you, learn from it, be strong, look forward, don't turn around and never be with somebody you can't trust, life is too short for all the crap, good luck and take care, Ray xx

[jkkerr]

Hey jno, yeah after the first posts (06) he admitted that he had been, ahem, f*cking a girl that he'd known and been seeing on and off for a while. Today (one week after we broke up) he finally admitted kissing a girl from his work (how we met.....what a cliche).

In between times, he visited the history girl without telling me and had a decidely dodgy membership on an adult contact website.

Ah, to hell with it, I'm glad it's over but I need a flat!

[jno]

then you're right to go, jkkerr. But like I say, try not to let it make you bitter. There are plenty of ok men around; don't go telling yourself they're all cheats or you'll scare them off.

[beso]

You can easily see now that you would have been better off acting sooner. But if you had not given yourself a chance to make a go of it you would have been left wondering. This way you do know for sure that there is no future with him and you won't waste time thinking about tryoing again.

It is always hard whrn you love someone but stay focussed on how bad he is for you and get on with discovering your new opportunities.

[mirela]

hi jkker,

im well surprised to find your post, because what happend to you is exactly same with what happened to me recently. i found out my bf's flirting texts with other girls and after confrontation, i decided to stay and give another go for this relationship. and now, Im very sorry to see you give up your relationship after 19months, and I can expect it gonna be a long hard period for me to get over the depression. like what you have chosed 2 years ago, I did same thing, but i still cant help to worry what he is doing when he is not with me, but im trying hard to ignore that unpleasant feeling, but i dont know when i can finally get back to 100% trust to him. he said same thing like what you bf said when i found out, he said he didnt take the relationship that seriously before, but he promise he will change for me now.... i feel so scared when i read you post today, i really really hope i can have a good ending with him, i do really wanna have a family with my bf. anyway, i hope you are well and have a new life xxx

[jkkerr]

Hi Mirela

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a similar thing....all I can say is that I guess you had some suspicion if you checked his texts? If he is willing to make a real effort to prove you can trust him, that should help to reassure you. My ex had all the chat, but still basically did whatever he liked and I feel now that because he lied so much, that our entire time together was tainted.

I really hope it works out for you.

[mirela]

hi jkkerr

have you found new flat yet? it is such pain to move home.
since our conversation last time, we both said we will try to restart again, so even im still very insecure, i never touched his phone again. but he seems always keeping eyes on his phone now, even go for a bath, he took it with him to bathroom!!! not sure because he just wanna his privacy or still hiding things from me. good sign is i didnt hear he got random texts at mid night now, and sometimes, if he is texting someone, he tell me whom he is texting, erm, i just tried to tell myself all the time, because i chose to give another go for this relationship, so i have to try to trust him, time will tell i suppose, just wait and see.xxxx
as people said, time is best healer, you will meet someone else oneday as well, best wishes xxx