being a step parent is hard

[red head]

I was wondering if some-one can help with some advice i was a single mum of 4 untill i met my new partner last year we are now living together he has 2 kids so there are 6 kids and us sometimes i feel as i don,t know whether i am doing the right thing because we have had so many agruements its usually because we both disagree on how we deal with our own kids if i say one of my kids can go out i am in the wrong because my partner has grounded my kid.Also i feel i don,t know whether being here is worth anything because also he has a child who is 6 years old from a previous relationship whom he see's every weekend when we first started going out his ex stopped his access with his daughter to only seeing her one day a week from 9am to 5pm i was taking him to collect his daughter in the car as i am the only one who drives which it didn't bother me at first then after a while my partner started to get moody because he was not seeing her often and i felt at the time he was taking it out on me and the other kids now he see's her more and still he is not happy cause he feels i am stopping him from spending time with her even though i suffer health problems and i am currently on medication and he looks after me and i feel guilty about it its getting to the stage when his daughter is here i want to go a stay at my mum's so he can spend as much time with her without me being there the only thing that worries me is my own kids is they will not be allowed to stay at home i don't want to do this bt he feels i am stopping him because i also want to spend time with him and there are 6 other kids to think about also i feel he does everything for her because he is use to doing it and he does not think about the other kids. Is it worthing staying in this relationship

[andy-hughes]

I am a stepdad, and rule 1 is very simple indeed -

you will present a united front in front of the children. If you say 'No' to one of 'his'kids (they are all yours now aren't they), then he backs you up, even if he thinks you are wrong, and you discuss it out of earshot of the kids, and they don't know about your disagreement. No "Can I see you in the other room?" with a face like thunder!

This is essential, otherwise your children will play you off against each other - that's human nature, nothing to do with step-parents, all kids do it, it just feeels more sensitive in this situation. You must have a situation where you are saying '"Bob already told you no, so what are you asking me for?"

It's hard at first, but well worth it when you get the rules down so everyone knows where they are.

The additional child issue is something you are going to have to work out - get this part in place first, then move on to that.

If you get resistance, start thinking seriously if co-habbiting is a good idea for all of you.

Good luck.

[Ice.Maiden]

I agree with Andy. Away from the children, you and your partner need to sit down and discuss boundaries and house rules. It's never too late. Make allowances for each others ideas, but agree to back each other up over main issues, such as acceptable times of going out/coming in, and who does what around the house.
If you have health issues, then the children who're old enough to help out, should be asked to do so - e.g., maybe wash up once a week, or vacuum round. Your partner could also help with this. In return, he should be able to see his daughter once or twice a week, but the others need attention as well. If you can't come to an agreement, it might be wise to question whether this relationship's ever going to work out well. Good luck.