what should i do? update

[ethanryan]

hi i reecently posted anout my nieces coming to live with me as there mom had drink problems. to cut a long story short. a friend of the family as just moved back to birmingham after 5 years in spain. we spoke about the grls and yesterday she suggested she took on the girls. she is very well off money wise and has her own house so i know the girls would have a good life. i love the girls like my own but i cant always give them the attention they need as i have my boys to look after too. i sat the two older girls down last night and put the idea to them, the younger one didnt really understand but the older one got6 really upset saying she wants to stay with me. she asked if i dont love her anymore which killed me. she has been up all night crying asking why everyone wants to give them away.
what would you all do? i know that in the end they will have such a happy life with this lady, she works at home so is there for them all the time.

any advice?

[raysparx1]

Hi, I think at the moment they need love, comfort and a lot of support, not to be living with a friend of the family they hardly know, I know it puts pressure on you but they obviously look upon you as somebody they love and trust and to them you are passing them on to an outsider, I know you are thinking on the practical/logical side, kiddies think with emotion, they need to feel secure in there own little world, I think I would take them in and let them settle down,they have had enough heatache for now, all children should be happy and secure, not feel like nobody cares or loves them, you have a very hard decision to make, But personally I would just take them in and do the best I could for them, hope you manage to sort something out that keeps everybody happy, good luck and take care, Ray xx

[ethanryan]

hi thanks ray, i understand what you are saying but right now i have rely on other people to pick them up from school as i cannot always get there, i wouldnt dream of just sending them there. my plan was to gradually let the girls get to know her first. us all going out together at first then maybe letting the girls go round for dinner then eventually staying over one night and building there relationship up. i know that the girls have been through enough but is it not better to make this move now rather than wait till they have completely settled here with me. they will only be living 20 minutes away so i can still see them and have them over when ever they want to. this could be a much better home and life for them in the long run. someone who can give them all the love and attention they need.

[raysparx1]

I think what you are planning to do is the best way to deal with it, gradually, I took it wrongly that you were thinking maybe they could move in with her pretty quickly, sorry about the confusion, yes once they get to know her properly and the trust her then stopping over now wnd then one night at the time and then for the weekend, sounds great, you obviously love them and want the best for them but you also have your own children to look after too, you will always be there for them that is the important thing, they need a cuddle and a bedtime story, and they will get that from you as it shines through how much you think of them, yes do what you are thinking of doing, good luck, hope you are all really happpy, do feel for those kiddies xx

[DONNAKEBABUK]

Ethan. Oh gosh, you poor love and those poor children. I think what you are planning on doing is a great idea but you MUST ask yourself, would you be able to let them go if they DID come to stay with you for a while.

How involved is your sisters drink problem. Is she able or ready to get some help? (I have just given up drinking because it was costing me far more than a night out - loss of driving licence, not spending quality time with my daughter, and although I continued to work I wasnt performing as well as I have done in the last couple of weeks. I am however, ready for the change, it so very very hard at times but I am determined. The worst thing is the lonliness because most of my so called friends are 'drinking buddies'. However, the world is a nicer place without drink. (I feel)

Going back to your nieces, I agree with both you and Ray, they need love and support at the moment. Although you may 'thnk' that you dont have the time that you will need to support them as well as your boys, it sounds to me like you have amazing skills and love too. Granted it will be hard, but my motto in life, is that nothing worthwhile is EVER easy. What the heck does it matter that you cant always pick them up fromschool, I dont pick my daughter up every day, she goes to after school clubs, her grannies and so on. She sees her Father once a year in Aberdeen (we live in Blackpool) So long as these little girls have a stable environment then you are giving them the best opportunity in life that they so deserve.

You will also get breaks as and when they go to stay with this lady. I wish you so well. You sound an amazing woman. Well done to you. I mean that !

[ethanryan]

thanks ray, it is such a shame, i just wish i had more room and time for them. they dont know there father and there mom has no time for them at all. they have ben through so much and are still really good girls.

[ethanryan]

hi donna, there mom has no idea she has a problem she quite happily let me take the girls back to mine and has not bothered with them since i have spoke to her about the girls going to live with this lady and all i got from her is i dont care do what ever. she has happily agreed to sign the children over to whoever wants them. me and my mom have tried for a long time to help her but she soes not want to accept the help. when you try she just gets angry. what can you do when she wont admit she jas a problem?

the girls are such good girls and even the 4 year old has learnt to look after herself cause that is what they have been used to. the 7 year old has played mom for such a long time that she has missed out on her child hood

[annie0000]

I think that your plan to get the girls more familiar with this friend on a gradual basis is a good one. That way, you can really defer any decision about their long term future while still getting some help and support. I think that you will need to have a talk and a bit of a backpedal with the older girls and explain that you are happy for them to stay with you. Otherwise, that will cause them to have resistance to getting to know this lady as they will feel that you are trying to pass them on. Kids are clever and especially the older girl will be aware that if she shows that she gets on with this friend, you may give her away.

I am not saying that them going stay on a long term basis is not what might happen, but I think that now that you have said it out in the open, it has probably set you back a bit.

Take it slow, but expect resistance initially - as you said include this person in activities with all of you - encouraging her to build relationships with all the children, but maybe making it a bit obvious that the girls are her "favourites" your boys are young and wont be hurt by this as long as they get some attention too.

It will be the older girl that needs to be won over, I get the impression that they younger one will follow her sisters lead.

Good luck with it, I know it will be hard in the short term, but take what help this lady is offereing with all your kids - e.g. have her look after the boys so you can pick up the girls so that it does not look too obvious and it confirms to the girls that you love and care for them and are prepared to make time for them.

Hope it goes well, hang in there.

[ethanryan]

thanks annie, it is just so hard to know what is right. the older one has asked if the younger two can live wit5h my friend and she can stay here but i really dont want to split them up, they need each other and the older one is such a big help with the 4 year old in the way that when she gets upset she understands and is the first one to give her a cuddle.
going with my friend will be the best for the girls in the long run i just need to convince the older one. althogh she is 7 she still dont understand why she isnt with her mom and is so hard to explain. i have kept the older one off school today and she keeps asking different questions that must be playing on her mind. i have explained to her that i love them all loads and that she can come and stay with me every weekend if she wants to. i have tried explaining that the baby needs lots of love and attention and that this lady will have more time to play with them. the only thing that is convincing her at the moment is that fact that she will have her own room, she thinks this is amazing lol. something she has never had.
she has agreed to come and meet the lady on sunday and we will take them all out for lunch but i have had to promise her that she will be coming home with me.
will just have to take it one step at a time see how we get on.

[ethanryan]

hi, in a pickle. i understand totally where you are coming from. the mother, my sister has agreed for them to be with me even though i did just go and fetch them.she has no interest in the kids at all, there are 3 of them one is a baby. my sister does know this lady very well, in fact it was my sisters friend to start with. i have got an appointment witha solicitor to see what is the best way to go about it. my sister has agreed for my friend to have them and is willing for her to be there legal guardian. she has been a live in nanny in spain for 5 years so has passed all the checks for that.

[Velvetee]

Can I ask, why does this friend who recently returned from Spain after 5 years want to take on 2 girls, I presume she does not know?

At the end of the day, yes money can provide things the girls may want, but sounds to me like they love you and are comfortable around you. It does not appear that they know this woman.

If finances are a problem, maybe you need to speak to social workers and explain your situation. Enquire about any financial help you may be able to get. I really would think hard about sending these girls to live with someone unknown to them. They are still at a vulnerable age, sounds like they just need some stability in their lives, not necessarily 24 hour attention from you.

[aims1202]

in a pickle is totally right, if children are removed from their home for any reason then social services would ideally want them to be placed with a family member, when this is not possible they will go into care and will be fostered. they would not be allowed to go and live with a friend. The only way your friend would have a chance of getting them would be if she applied to be a foster carer, and she was approved and it was decided that she was suitable for those girls. she can do this but it would take a long time for all that to happen. If social services are not already involved with you then it maybe in yours and the girls best interest to contact them. they will more than likely be happy for you to keep the girls, if that is what you want, and they will give you support as well. foster carers get a lot of support so i would hope that family members do too. it maybe that the girls could go to a foster carer occasionally so you could get a break or they may put you in contact with Homestart (you can contact them yourself too). You cannot hand the girls over to your friend, even if you know she is the best person to care for them, you could end up causing a lot of problems for yourself and if the girls are then remoed from her it will be much worse. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job and those girls are happy and secure with you but it does sounds as thought you need support for this so do what you can to get it. good luck