Respect for the EX WIFE - agree or disagree

[tgm1974]

Sorry to bore people with this one and sorry if I sound a little pathetic but need a sounding board.

My partner was married for 20 years and recently split (2yrs ago) with her. We have been together since they split but have know each other for the past 15 yrs! He has children with his ex and we have a baby together ourselves. The children stay here with us on various nights, she is aware that we now live together, have a baby, etc and we have bumped into her (as a couple) on two occasions. She has even spoken to me on a one to one basis confirming to me that their marriage was just a friendship and nothing more .... which he has always told me over the years.

My slight gripe is that when he goes to pick the kids up and is in his "old house" he will not pick the telephone up to me if I call his mobile. He says it is just out of respect that he wont as he doesnt want to be sitting talking to me whilst she is in the room - yet he will sit talking to her whilst Im in the room when he is at home with me.

Am I slightly niave here or do I just go with what he is saying. I know he loves me to bits and my gut tells me its nothing more than what he is saying but would anyone else do the "respect" thing in the same position!

Sorry but Ive never been married before and dont have children with anyone else, but just confused to this slight blip as she knows all about me and his new life with me.

PS : He is currently in the process of divorce so isnt this the biggest thing he should have any "awkward" feelings about??

Cheers

Miss Paranoid x

[up4it]

I would take this as a compliment to you - as in ...

He doesn't mind you hearing what he says to her as he has nothing to hide from you but on the other hand their relationship is over and he is now with you so he is guarded and considers his conversations with you as private and nothing to do with her

Would you really want her to hear what you are saying to each other, it may not be personal but it could be so he would rather not take the chance and talks to you afterwards so he can whisper sweet nothings in your ear

I know I would act that way !!!

[sense4all]

If he is in the middle of a divorce I feel it is a common sense thing to not antagonise his ex wife during this time( You didn''t say whether she is happy in a new situation too, ) To be honest if I was you I wouldn't bother to phone him during this time unless it was essential, if it's important send a text and let him get back to you. This wouldn't bother me at all - unless he was on the phone ALL the time to her for petty reasons other than parenting his kids or deciding about the former family home. You knew all these other things would call on his time when you got together - I hope that doesn't read harshly, because that is not how I mean it at all.

[tgm1974]

I didnt really think of it like that - but I can see what you mean.

Our son is only 4 months old so I think the odd hormone may still be floating about and Im getting anxious that he is still married.

He has said this morning that he feels comfortable talking to her when Im around but not vice versa so I should take that as a compliment then.

I wish life was not so full of little testers, etc - thanks very much and keep the comments coming!

[tgm1974]

Hi SENSE4ALL. His wife has said she will sign anything on the divorce papers as I wanted them filled in before my son was born but with moving house then having a baby we have had to spend the �300 (doing papers ourselves) on more needing things! I dont think anything would antagonise her but I can understand what he means by feeling uncomfortable but I just want everything relaxed - probably wishing for things too soon. He says she could never show affection to him, have a proper marriage, go out socially with him and just wanted him there to help with kids and bring in money! She has been diagnosed with depression for some years so even though she has her normal days she has not wanted to give the marriage a chance and would never get help! Even though she knows he has left and knows all about me ... i dont think he wants to "rub it in" as he says

[Kuntrovert]

stop being so insecure and jealous.

[sense4all]

He does sound like quite a thoughtful sort of chap. So I can't se that he would be less thoughtful about how you feel - honest. Depression sufferers like things to remain constant on the whole - so she seems to be accomodating too. Don't worry, unduly. It would be very nice if everything was already 'sorted'. Try to put yourself in their shoes when you are having doubts - how would you like to be treated if the roles were reversed. My friend says life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. lol.

[tgm1974]

Excuse me "Kuntrovert" but Im an not insecure nor jealous. I would not be with my man if I was that way. We just all have our "moments" at times no matter how much we know we are loved and cherished.

I hope part of your nickname is not a true reflection of yourself.

I really dont need answers like yours!

Thanks again everyone else for your input .... just a wobbly moment but know that he is totally in love with me and wouldnt swop (or leave me) for the world - HOW BIG HEADED DO I SOUND x

[ethanryan]

hi i totally understand where you are coming from. me and my partner have been together nearly 5 years and he still wone answer my calls when he is pickin his son up. i have never understood why but have got used to it now. i know he isnt ashamed of me or anything because we bump into her often at family parties and things and he still puts his arm around me and dancies with me and things. just try to put it to oneside. we used to argue about it as he felt i only rang cause didnt trust him which was not the case. dont let it bother you as it will affect your relationship if you do. x

[tgm1974]

Hi Ethanryan

Fancy a coffee??

Glad someone else is in the same situation - just a strange one I think. Ive said that I will only call him in an emergency but anything else will be via text. I just worry incase anything happened to our little boy and I had to take him the hospital - more than likely I would call her house as I know she wouldnt mind under those circs .... how sad are we

[ethanryan]

hi, it is sad but it is something that i couldnt control. when we first got together my head was telling me to find a reason to ring him, it is so silly. i was honest and told him how i felt and just hearing hi telling me its me he wants and loves really made a difference. could you not go for a drive with him. i do sometimes.when he used to collect his son i sometimes felt like the other woman and imagined them both sitting laughing about old times. but i have got over that stage.
i think it is just men and the way they are
just remember its you that he climbs into bed with at night x

[tgm1974]

You sound just like me - feel like the other woman myself sometimes even though he said he would never go back to her even if we didnt work out. He said he has what he has wanted for years now and wouldnt swop it for the world.

You have answered a previous question of mine re DIVORCE so thanks for that also

If you ever need to bend someones ear then please give me a shout on [email protected]. Nice to know Im not the only one who has these thoughts!

Take care xxx

[ethanryan]

im sure there are plenty of people in the same situation but it dont stop you feeling like your the only one does it. i know for sure that my partner does not want his ex back. im not sure about u but i find it easier now that we have children together, as before i always worried that when he went back to there house to pick his son up he would feel quilty for leaving his son and maybe go back. he is a wonderful dad and and partner and i know it was just me been silly. i believe these things are there to test us and if you can get past it all then your relationship must be strong. my partner had a bad relationship with his ex, she had all the money, he worked 14 hours a day and seen nothing of his wages so when i sit and think about it why would he want that life again. my e mail is [email protected]. im always here for a chat too,

[Whoever]

Maybe your partner just simply considers it bad manners to constantly use his mobile in somebody else's home and I commend him for that. Actually, it drives me crazy too when visitors contantly let their mobile ring while in my house. It seems to give the message "you're not worth 100% of my attention" and my mobile is switched off when I visit friends.
When your partner is at home, he's in his own environment and different rules apply. Actually I think he's to be applauded for respecting his ex partner's personal boundaries. Don't put pressure on him. He knows his ex and lot better than you do and probably knows the best way to play things.