Death, why is it so traumatic?

[RATTER15]

A strange question I know. What is the upsetting part of losing a loved one?

Is it knowing you will never see that person again, in which case would you feel the same way if that person was to emigrate, why do we find the end of life so traumatic? The deceased person involved isn't aware they have died.

Is it different things for different people?

I have lost friends and family close to me and been traumatized by these events but what element is the traumatic one?

[Bathsheba]

Interesting question Ratter. I can only speak from personal experience, but I was with each of my parents when they died, and in both cases it was a welcome release from suffering for them, therefore in a strange way I found it an almost happy process.

[4getmenot]

never seeing or hearing from them again. my bro is due to emigrate soon, but I will still be able to contact him

[bigmamma]

Gosh , that's a hard question and I guess the answer will be different to each of us. Losing them , no more able to hug them or hear their voice , see their smile ......the list is endless , and it all leaves a huge gap in your life.
How are you RATTER and the lovely Carakeel ? xxxxxx

[ruby27]

Its a question that I have wondered about.

I think grief for me in some ways is about feeling a loss about the potential future and that death is so final.

I know that with a parent and sibling as I didn't live in the same town, I didn't see them every day but there was a sense as well as a reality when alive that we had future and all the opportunities that meant. Its the finality of knowing you are never going to see, touch, laugh even argue with them again. I feel if I knew I was going to see my father and brother again even if it wasn't for years, I wouldn't be as unhappy as I am knowing that will not happen.

Also its a sense that they have missed out, if they had emigrated you know they would be alive and having fun/misery whatever but at least they would be having a life.

[pastafreak]

Everything that you ever wanted to say to them,but can't.....not in the present,or worse,the future.....the words 'never again'describes the feeling.

[RATTER15]

Hi Bigmamma, Im ok ty and Carakeel is well apart from a migrain today thankyou, hope you are well.

[bigmamma]

I am well thank you hun , give my best to Carakeel and I hope that horrid migraine doesn't lay her low for too long bless her :-) xxxxx

[andy-hughes]

I think part of the trauma is the realisation that this is what awaits all of us in the end - a sharp reminder of our own mortality.

Otherwise, the process of loss is too complex to divide into simple catagories, it varies so mush from person to person.

I heard my father had died, but he left strict instructions that none of his children were to be notified until after his cremation. i hadn't seen him or spoken to him for over twenty-five years, so i didn;t mourn his loss at all - I hated him when he was alive, and was not fussed when he died.

The notion that we couldn't be told of his death until after his disposal smacks of the arrogance of the man - I wouldn't cross the road to mourn him - much less drive the forty plus miles to where he lived.

All that said, he was just as much my father as anyone who loves their dad, and is deeply upset to loose them.

I know my girls will weep for me, even if I would never weep for him.

[Octavius]

When someone is bereaved, they usually experience an intense feeling of sorrow or grief. People grieve in order to accept a deep loss and carry on with their life. The sorrow can be caused by the sense of loss, or more selfishly for their abandonment of us.

Whatever form it takes, experts believe that if you don't grieve at the time of death, or shortly after, the grief may stay bottled up inside you. This can lead to emotional problems, and even physical illness later on in life. Some people even experience a delayed reaction many years after losing a loved one. So time spent grieving, either before � as in the case of terminal illness � or near after death, is the start of the road to our own recovery/acceptance of the loss.

I believe it is a natural human condition or reactionary process that occurs as part of natural healing.

[Squitty]

Hi Ratter - Interesting question - I think its the sense of loss personally but I also think its this human fear of change which is forced upon us. Think about all of the other areas of our lives where we choose not to make change because of fear of change. Marriage, job etc

[raysparx1]

Hi RATTER, hope you are both well, good to se you back here.

My thinking is, that death is so final, no more hellos,goodbyes,it's over gone,dead,no more here, and that realisation somebody we loved and has had an effect on our lives is no more, if we don't say the things we think while people are with us, it is now too late. farewell is such a sad word, and it is also the realisation of our own mortality. the trauma part is in a way selfish, the one that has gone feels no more pain, no more upset, but we are here and have to deal with it, and as i said the realiation that the person is no more is hard to take, specially if it is a parent as we are next in line, and we only have one set of parents and once they have gone, life can never be the same again.Ray

[Aprilis]

Hi RATTER, this is a bit spooky as I swear I was only wondering yesterday why we haven't seen you and the lovely Carakeel on here for an age! You've been missed.

In answer to your question, I find the distressing bits to be the permanence of the loss; the never being able to make a connection with them again. Also the pain involved in learning to live without the person who is gone from us.