Daughter who is causing problems in a new relationship

[lil123]

Hi I have a daughter who is nearly 18 and I have been on my own for a while until I met this really nice man
My last boyfriend that didn't last that long she caused me so much grief that he said to me basically it's me or your daughter so I dumped him
Thing is I really really like this new man and last night she was saying things about my old boyfriend so he could hear and saying she is not babysitting for her younger brother which I hardly ask her too anyhow
I just think she is on the same path again to distroy any realtionship I ever have
I have avoided getting in relationships for this reason but at end of day she is nearly a adult and could move out if she wanted
I feel she is telling me what to do in a sense and I am so scared she will turn this lovely guy away too

[andy-hughes]

Although your daughter is, as you say, virtually an adult - she is still exhibiting anti-social behaviour as your child.

You need to have a talk to her about your situation.

You must stress that although it fels strange for her to see you with someone else, her dad will always be her dad, even if your relationship with him did not work out.

Most important is to reassure her that your rlelationship with her will remain strong - no man can ever come between a mum and her children - which is not to suggest that he would want to, but she needs reassurance, which will hopefully stop her current attitude.

Say all the positive things - include her as much as poss. in your life - reassure her that you love her and she is still hugfely important to you, and her happiness is vital for your happiness.

That should sort everything hou - however -

if she persist with her behaviour, have the chat once more, and if it persists after that, move onto the next phase, which is to confirm that, important as she is in your life, you do have a life, and you are entitled to be happy as well, and if she insists on standing in the way of that, you will have to review her living arragments.

Hopefully plan A will work, but have plan B ready in a few months, just in case.

Good luck.

[lil123]

Thank you Andy- hughes
I will have that chat with her later when she comes back in tonight x

[andy-hughes]

I conceede Pickle's points, but i do feel that a 'softly softly' approach first is in order.

This is a difficult situation, and your daughter is behaving this way because she feels insecure - going in 'hard' will simply encourage her to adopt an entrenched position, and you don;t want to start a war of attrition under your own roof.

I think Pickle's points are all perfectly valid, but i would save them for the 'second' conversation - if indeed you need to have it.

Experience tells me that you can start off 'soft', and move to 'hard' if ytou have to - but doing it the other way around is like un-breaking an ornament - to be avoided if possible.

[lil123]

Thank you so much you 2 x
All advice greatly appropriated xx