Lonely

[Sweetie77]

Hi Everyone I am not new to this but I don't add very often!! I am a 30 years old and I have been told that I am not bad looking! I am quite tall (nearly 6 foot) and I think I am a very sociable person. I do have quite a few friends and I am very close to my family. My problem is that I don't have "that special person" and it really gets me down!! I just don't seem to be able to meet Mr Right!! Either they are not interested or they smother me. Please don't say anything like "when you stop looking love will find you" because only people who are in love say that and it really doesn't help people who are still looking!! I just feel so down and unhappy at the moment. Especially as my younger sister has just announced her second pregnancy!!! i have tried dating sites and all the usual things but I just want somebody to love me!!! Does anyone have any advice on how to get past this??

[China Doll]

Well no, not really... But I will say that while you're stuck in the mindset you're in then whether you know it or not the vibes that you're giving out will be more of a repellent than if you showed up to a bar smelling of wee with 20 cats in tow!

You need to stop comparing your situation to your sisters and concentrating so hard on that one thing in your life that you don't have.

Also the knight in shining armour thing... well funnily enough I was just talking about that... but it doesn't exist. No one can save or complete any one person, you need to do that yourself. The only way to do that is by becoming comfortable in the skin and situation you're in and by loving yourself. Once you start doing that then you'll be suprised how many doors open for you simply because of what subliminal messages you send out to the world.

And just so you know.... 29, single and have been for a few years now. Also not bad looking and very sociable with lovely family and great friends, So I may just have an idea of what you're talking about.

[Sweetie77]

Thanks China Doll. You are not the first person to say that I need to be more comfortable in my own skin and it is true I am not but I have no idea how to change that!!!

How does one go about starting to like themselves??

[China Doll]

It's a tricky one. You could try looking at you the way family and friends do, they're more objective than you are.

Or try some positive thinking... why don't you give me five things you like about yourself. Purely you... 3 of which have to be physical. Come on... hit me with them.

[Sweetie77]

1) I have a great sense of fun
2) I am a good friend
3) I have good curves
4) Long legs!
5) Good skin (no real spots etc)

[China Doll]

Excellent! Well done you... that's actually quite a difficult thing to do.

So.... lets make the most of those curves, treat yourself to something that makes you feel really confident and shows them and a bit of your legs off. You have good skin so go to one of those funny make up lady people and get one of those things that make your cheek bones all shimery and glowey. Then couple that with your friendly nature and your sense of fun and I already think you're irrisistable and I don't even fancy women! Get out and show the world that.

Another thing to remember is that you are your own worst critic, we all are and all the little things we accept in others and their little foibles etc... we give ourselves a really hard time over and ton what end? Perfection is subjective so ultimately unachievable.

Another little confidence trick is also something used to treat depression. If you don't feel like smiling, you have to smile at everyone, if you don't feel like holding your head up then you have to stick it really high in the air and walk down the street like you don't just own it but that others should pay a toll to walk down the same street as you. It's basically a blag but if you it enough you'll see how many more people smile at you and how approachable you become. This is because you've opened up yourself and your body language to the world and are inviting them in.

[China Doll]

Finally try an affirmation... this can be something really simple that you say to yourself every morning (or you can think it) but you have to do it 15 times. Actually it works better if you write it down so get a note pad and do that. Be fairly specific... something along the lines of you being a good, attractive person who will find that special someone in the next six months... People claim this works too but even if the time line is a little off, what it will do is affirm your belief in yourself as a person worthy of love because you love and respect yourself.

Baby steps to getting there but I'm quietly confident it'll help you get closer to being more comfortable in your own skin.

[Sweetie77]

Thanks China Doll I am going to try what your advice!!! I had a moment in town today when I felt so sad and unhappy I actually stopped walking and just stood there unable to move. I have never felt that bad before...made me feel so vulnerable. I think like you said a lot of it is down to my mindset so from now on...head held high, chest out, big smile!!

Also thanks legend! I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and relax!!

I am normally a very happy person just every now and then I get these crippling moments of sadness!!!

[China Doll]

Everyone does, it's very natural and they can feel worse when there's no one home to tell you how lovely and wonderful you are... and then drag you to the bedroom to proove it. So you have to be able to tell yourself you are. (I just managed to resist writing 'do it yourself' as I figured after the bedroom comment it could take ona whole new meaning!)

Good luck, you'll be fine.

[Sweetie77]

Lol yes indeed a whole new meaning!! Thanks again for your comments..I wasn't sure what to expect posting on here I have seen some nasty messages in the past but thanks you have really helped me!!

Off to get my beauty sleep now...not that I need it!! He he he

[lil123]

I am in a situation now where when I was looking I couldn't find a man that I wanted so I decided I had had enough and would just be on my own for say 2 years then start looking again WHEN I met this bloke that I am with now.
Trouble is now I am thinking do I really want this after all as I had accepted being on my own and my situation after having to flee my ex husband in Dec 06 and live in a refuge for 10mths. I have had to start my life all over again.
I think I am so scared to love someone like I did my ex usband as the way he treat me was disgusting all the way throughout our marriage. This man I am with now tells me he loves me and he wants his life with me eventually as we are still taking it slow. It helps with him living in another town as he can't come that often.
I am carrying on with my own life and friends that I was doing before and also looking for a job now I feel ready.
I have to protect myself though as I can't let anyone hurt me like my ex did as it has took me so long to even get to where I am now. But to be honest I don't think anyone will ever be able to hurt me that way he did x

[MEJ]

Hi Sweetie!

Horrible situation and I sympathise hugely! When I was in your situation, I found that getting myself involved in things I usually wouldn't touch with a barge pole (kayaking, banana boating, pole dancing etc) helped bucketloads. It took a real effort to go and do these things (and do them with a smile on my face!) but it gave me something else to focus on, used up some spare time and gave me interesting things to talk about when in the pub etc. It also taught me to never knock something til I'd tried it and that is a really attractive quality to those elusive males - it certainly helped in landing me the treasure I've got now!