Is it cheating?

[smudge742]

My fiance and I have been together for almost 6yrs, and engaged for 2yrs. We had a son last year, and baby and I were so ill we almost didn't make it. (we have two other children) My fiance was understandably very stressed, but was visibly happy we survived. Now, last night, I accidently found out that he appears to have been texting and emailing a woman abroad. I have no idea what the emails say as I don't know his password or his email account details. The texts were sent from an old phone but were recent (ie: this month) In one text he says that she is 'one in a billion', and although they haven't met yet, he 'misses her'. I felt sick, and don't know what to do. He tells me every day, that he loves me, and works hard to provide for us, and we are making plans to move to a better area. What do you think is going on? He always says he would never cheat, and would never leave me and his son. So is this just an escape from the stress we are under at the moment, or should I be more worried. I am scared to say anything as if he is planning to leave, I don't know what me and the children will do. Should I just ignore it and hope it ends or what? I have barely slept, and feel constantly sick, but I love him so much, I don't want to be without him, he is in all ways a wonderful partner and father, so should I hope this texting ends naturally?

[roosi]

Smudge, I feel for you I really do but you know him best. If that was me I wouldn't be happy either being truthfull. Although in saying that, if I was caught checking his phone or emails, he wouldn't at all be happy that I envaded his privacy, as we have an unwritten/unspoken (healthy) rule that we each have our own private things (independantly) and respect that - there would be no need to check each other's phones/emails with the level of trust we hold in our relationship. In your case, it sounds like you didn't have much trust there in the first place in order to check his phone. Would I be right in saying this? If so, you need to ask him outright unfortunately, and get things out in the open. This will eat you up inside and you will begin to build up a resentment towards him if you don't. Other than that you need to forget about it, move on, and forget about EVER checking his phone/mails again, if he is coming home to you and your bab(ies) every night he is for a reason, and I always remember that if my man (we aren't married) could walk away anytime if he wasn't happy but the fact he doesn't means the world and more to me and I love him for that reason. You need to chill out.....

Hope this helps..

R
xx

[smudge742]

Thanks Roosi. I wasn't checking his phone, his old mobile has a good game on it, which I play when he's around, and fancied a game when he was out. The phone isn't hidden away. When I turned it on there was a text from a number I didn't recognise, as he is currently looking for work, I wondered if it was from an agency, and opened it....which is when I found it was from another woman. I do see where you are coming from though (I know it sounds like I was snooping, but we don't do that either) I know I do have a few issues with trust, due to a past relationship, so I guess I have to try and hope it's nothing, and like you say 'chill out'!!!! Thanks for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate you being honest.

[China Doll]

Ask him about it, listen to what he has to say and judge his reaction and then do what's best for you. I wouldn't just put it to the side.Regardless of whether it's totally innocent or not, it's hurt you and you deserve an explanation.

[joggerjayne]

Oh smude, what a heart rending story. Thank heavens you both came through!

Even if he's never met this other person, it's wrong for him to share an emotional relationship with someone else. You two are supposed to be committed to each other physically, emotionally, everything.

China is so right. You have to ask him, or it will eat you up inside, and that's just not fair on you.

Don't let him sidetrack you by saying you shouldn't have been looking. What's worse? Him doing it? Or you finding out? At the end of the day, if he had nothing to hide, it wouldn't matter if you looked.

I hope it's all innocent and it works out well for you two. Take care. xx

[roosi]

Cool. Only reason I went into so much detail is that I went thru a simliar thing to you not so long back in which I thought my partner had an admirer....no difference (really), we been together then for 9+ so (no kids tho :)) and it was a friend who threatened our relationship. I really thought (it was his best friends g/f) fancied him rotten....she came to our bbqs came to our house and generally made complete pest of herself (for yrs) although I was very tolerant at the time. I know its not the same as your thing totally, but a text saying (roosi: is 29 by the way) meet u at*** when *** xxxxxxxx and I had snooped unfortunately altho I had trust issues like u it turned out to be her texting from his phone (on behalf my b/f's best mate in battery low scenario). Anyway I confronted him went down like a lead balloon and I was left red faced.just goes to show I could actually have this girl round again cos we are fine now, not with each other but me and mr roosi are fine......it took a long time, I read between the lines and would hate to think it could happen to someone else like it did me, hurt like hell....we are over it now you will be too. Soon. I believe in your relationship totally. It was a hurdle that's all......

R
xx

[sunchime]

Hi Smudge
Of course I don;t know your full situation, but just because your partner is sending texts like that, don't unnecessarily jump to conclusions that he could be cheating. I have a boyfriend who i love dearly, but i also have a guy who i text quite regularly who i met on holiday (although he is from derby, so not abroad as such but still fairly far away from me). I totally love my boyfriend but i do text my penpal (we met 10 years ago and have been writing and now textin each other) lots. Texts like 'i miss ya' and 'thinkin about ya' and stuff. And it is true i do think about him and miss him and stuff but he is just a friend and when i was having doubts about my boyfriend, my penpal gave me a bit of a boys perspective on it and some advice. Likewise, when he told me his girlfriend was pregnant but he wasn't sure he wanted to stay with her, i gave him advice on how to deal with it....and blah blah... you know the deal. We all have friends from the opposite sex.

Now I don't know, but it sound to me that your partner is totally devoted to you. Maybe the texts to this girl are completely innocent, maybe not but I guess the only way you can find out is to just tell the truth and ask him. If he is still coming home to you, then i would say you are in the clear.

You could approach the subject with something along the lines of 'I know i can talk to you about anything and you would understand me.... do you know if you had any worries you could come to me..?' see what his reaction is to that. If he doesn't really say much, maybe you could just come out with the truth about how you found the text. At least it would put your mind at rest as otherwise you don't know how long you are going to end up feeling the way you are now.

For your own piece of mind, whatever the outcome you will be able to deal with it. Ask him...... you never know, like me and my penpal it may all be innocent...

Good luck xxx

21:17 Fri 23rd May 2008

[smudge742]

Thank you all for your answers. We have had a chat, but I haven't said about the texts I found. I told him I felt he had been a bit distant, and it worries me when he is secretive with his pc. I told him that when I use the pc, I am very open, am happy to leave my emails open if I leave the room, and it doesn't bother me if he sits near me when I am 'surfing', but that I don't feel that he feels the same. If I walk past him, he shuts down what he is doing, and always logs off before he leaves the room. He admitted that he has made friends on the net, and due to the stress we have been under, it makes him feel better that he has people to 'talk' to without unloading it all onto me. I have been seeing a psychotherapist, due to issues in my past, and the difficulties when I had our son, and he says he feels it would be unfair to add to my worries. But, he said he understood why I felt insecure, and said he only wants me, and wants to marry me, and be together for good. We made a pact to not neglect each other, I admit I have neglected him, as the kids always come first, and we are far down on the list of priorities. He is going to ask my mum to have the children so we can have some 'us' time, and go out for lunch. I haven't discussed the texts, as if it is innocent I don't want to make a 'mountain out of a molehill', and certainly don't want him to have to cut out people he finds he can talk to. I know nearly losing me and our son, really messed him up, as his first girlfriend (when he was 19) died in front of him after she was hit by a car, so I can imagine seeing me, rushed into hospital, being told our son was probably dead, and that I might not make it, must have really screwed him up.
Sorry, have rambled on again! Thank you all so much, I really appreciate you taking the time to offer some good advice.

[unhappychick]

I dont think you will ever get any rest until you be honest with him and tell him what you have discovered...me personally I couldnt leave it and keep wondering, I would have to come out with it, and see what he has to say for himself! The fact that he quickly shuts the computer down etc would raise a red flag for me....In my opinion, I dont think hes doing anything, as you said you have rejected him a bit as the children always come 1st, it sounds to me like he is seeking female company via the net, I would seriously confront him, and would demand some answers!