dilemma

[oldgrape]

right the father of my son has not seen him for 4 months now, last month he said he would be seeing him next weekend but because i had my son christened the other week and didn't invite him he is getting really nasty. (ok yes maybe i should have told him but as he hadn't had anything to do with my boy 4 mths his new gf is pregnant and his whole family would have attended there would have been a major argument between my friends and relatives etc also my ex never wanted him christened he doesn't see the point)

He is going round telling everyone how upset that he didn't get to attend and has texted me on several occasions saying he wants nothing to do with harry and that i'm a bad mum!

my question to you lot is i have text him 5 times this week to find out if he's having our son at the weekend and he hasn't replied do i keep trying or what i'm at a lose as to whats best for my son

[ChuckFickens]

I'd send one more message stating that unless you receive a reply or some sort of conformation that you will assume that he doesn't want to see him. then if you get no reply arrange to go out somewhere for the day (the zoo's a nice day out)

[ChuckFickens]

P.S. the fact your last sentence was whats best for my son would indicate to me your not a bad mother.

[oldgrape]

ok so if he doesn't see him this weekend should i keep asking all the time if he wants to see him

[Bathsheba]

Hi hun.
Well he certainly sounds a nasty piece of work- I hate to hear of parents using their children as pawns.
Is there a court order in place re custody, visiting rights etc? xx

[oldgrape]

no there's no court hearing etc i did have a solicitor when we split but my ex said that if it went to court he would not have anything to do with our son so i let it drop for 2 months my ex had harry every other weekend but then it stopped. my other problem is my ex has an older son and want my boy to know his brother and the new baby thats on the way.

i don't want my son resenting me for not doing my best to keep him in contact with his father and siblings

[whiskeysheri]

I feel for you, oldgrape. My sister had an almost identical situation with her ex; he never showed up when he was meant to see L (my niece), turned up whenever he felt like it or didn't contact her for months at a time. It went on like this for a year and a half and it wasn't doing L any good, she'd see him a few times in a row and then when she started getting used to him again, he'd disappear off the face of the Earth for months.

About a year ago my sister text him to ask when he was going to bother seeing his daughter again, she hasn't heard from him since. We've heard on the grapevine that he's moved away now with his two sons (from a previous relationship).

My sister used to get really upset, as she, too, wanted to do the right thing by her daughter, but we told her that she could only give him so many chances before L was old enough to realise he was letting her down on a regular basis. It is sad, but his side of the family are vile and personally, I think she's better off without the lot of them (that's just what I think, though).

I would do what Chuck has suggested. Your ex is probably getting off on the fact that he's bugging you, too. Take care, oldgrape. x

[oldgrape]

thank u all for ur answers just wish he'd answer yes or no so we both no were we stand it's the not knowing that's hard

[Ice.Maiden]

Hi oldgrape hun. I's do as CF suggested - adding that you won't stop the guy from seeing his son if he really wants to, but that you're not prepared to be messed around, and that any lack of contact won't be through a fault of yours. Then leave him to it. x

[ChuckFickens]

oldgrape, if you don't want your son to resent you for not seeing his siblings then make it clear to him that he has siblings from an the earliest age he can understand and make it clear that if he wants to know them and contact them then you will support and help him in anyway you can. that way he can make up his own mind and should never resent you for hiding things from him. ice makes a good point also, put the ball in his court so any lack of contact is through no fault of yours

[Psychick]

I know exactly how youre feeling oldgrape, I really do! The fact he keeps threatening not to see his son just shows he really isnt interested and just using him to get to you, which is realy sad ( and pathetic of your ex). Anyone on here who knows what happened only a few months ago know what a wonderful mum your are so dont believe otherwise!

I have been in a similar situation to WS's sister in that my daughters father decided he couldnt be bothered anymore a year after I had left him as he realised using excuses to see her, just to spend time with me, werent working. He dissappeared from her life for a good couple of years despite only being a 5-10 minutes drive from us. Then out of the blue he called to say he wanted to be part of her life again and how he regretted having missed so much already etc. I made him wait as I wanted to be sure he meant it. I had to sot my daughter down and explain it all before allowing him to see her. All went well and she was more pleased to be able to get to know her borthers and sister more than seeing her father again.

In the past 2 years, he has seen her half a dozen times and the last time was well over a year ago, maybe 2 years now. Ive given up trying to make contact and getting him to see her. At least this time she is old enough to remember him and her siblings. She never seems bothered about not seeing him but does talk about the youngest two of his other children as she got to see them a few times.

The hardest thing I find is not blurting out that its his fault and nothing I can do. I tried for so long to keep them all seeing each other regularly but sadly he really doesnt give a damn. Which is a shame because shes a fantastic little girl who is so smart and entertaining, he has no idea how much hes missing!

cont...

[Psychick]

....

Ok, before I go off on one anymore lol, I always had my daughters baby photo album out on the bookshelf, which has photos of him and his family holding her, so his family are always there for her to look at and know about, if that makes sense. i.e. Ive never hidden him from her. That way, she hopefully wont blame me in years to come when she asks why her real dad isnt in her life.

Harry is a gorgeous little boy and you both seem to be doing great without your ex around. If he doesnt want to see Harry (stupid man!) dont force him, and he doesnt make contact, dont bother wasting your time anymore. Sadly it seems hes only using the little cutie to get one over on you and make you feel bad. Dont let him! Enjoy your day out with Harry instead and I want an ice cream please :)