social interaction problem

[tartanwiz]

Just before Christmas, my office manager at work gave me a lot of dog's abuse about my petty mistake-making, till I snapped and said 'Ah well, I'm sorry I'm not perfect'.  She then called me childish.  Was it childish?  If so, what would be an 'adult' response?  What are you supposed to do if someone provokes or hassles you and then calls you 'childish' for getting slightly angry?  Helpful and sympathetic suggestions welcome please, friends.

[Ouisch]

She's the one being childish, calling you on the carpet and then chastising you when you defend yourself.  I once had a very picky, nasty boss who delighted in harping on every miniscule error on my part (as a side note, I was the only female in the office of three, and I was the only one who received these admonishments when a mistake was made).  Anyway, I finally used the same defense as you, but with a twist; I told my boss  that if I was perfect in every way, I sure as heck wouldn't be there, working for him - I'd be out making big bucks some place.

[sunflower68]

Poor you.  You reacted as any adult would who was being chastised and backed into a corner; she was acting in an unprofessional manner and probably was passing down the pressure she was under 'from above'.  We all work so hard at our jobs that criticism like this is hard to take and she should have demonstrated in a fair manner where she thought things may have needed improving. People like this find themselves doing more recruiting than most, as the staff don't want to stay.  Make sure you hold your head up high when you walk back in; knowing you are doing just fine and she is the one with the childish problem.  Don't lower yourself to her level.

PS Can you tell by my ranting that I've been there before?

[Hgrove]

This sounds like "victimisation" which is already illegal but new legislation coming in will make it easier for employees to defend themselves.  Well, I don't know the details, and I am not even suggesting that it has got as far as that with you, but I can discern a nasty little undertow of picking on you in your boss's behaviour.  I am not sure what better response you could have given.  You could have tried something like "that is very helpful, thank you X, I really appreciate your help in this situation" and then walked away; ideally this would defuse the argument, whilst at the same time leaving your boss with a vague feeling of having been ridiculed.  I once had a boss who joined the firm where I had been for years and for some reason started bullying me.  He made a point of coming out of his office every time I arrived, went to and from lunch, and went home in the eve., and made a great big show of checking the time.  Of course I realised it was a shabby trick but it still made me nervous and defensive.  Perhaps I should have turned the tables on him by saying loud and clear "Yes C., it's 9am!".  I wonder whether you could turn the tables on your boss by making a show of writing detailed notes if she does it again.  Employers know that, if it comes to a tribunal, employees who have kept a diary of harassment have a far better chance.

[tartanwiz]

Thanks my friends.  And by all means keep 'em coming.  I think I'll keep a diary of harassment.  I've thought of it before but didn't want to stoop to her school prefect level.  I don't like being an 'informer', I would rather sort things out between the two of us like ordinary reasonable people.  But it seems that is what I'm going to have to do about her.  Once again thanks and it's good to know I'm not alone.

[harrylover]

hi

i'm just 13 years old, but i totally agree with all of you. i have a teacher like this. his name is mr.maan, and i feel like you are right now. i did something about it, though. now th problem is a lot better. definately don't take this. stand up for your rights!!

[Hgrove]

Keeping a diary is a good idea.  A word of warning on Constructive Dismissal:  yes you can be constructively dismissed for ex. where the employer has told you off and belittled you in front of your colleagues, because by so doing the employer has destroyed the relationship of trust and confidence between -er and -ee.  But be very careful because you can be constructively dismissed, yet the Tribunal can go on to find that the dismissal was fair.  In which case you'd get nothing - apart from becoming unemployable in your area.  Even if the dismissal is found to be unfair, there is a ceiling to compensation of �55k or thereabouts which will not keep you forever especially if you have a family.    It is much better not to end up in a Tribunal.  In my experience, trying to be mature and sort things out with your employer does not work because they can always turn around and s***t on you (sorry about the language - I have been through enough to not feel like being charitable to employers).  Good luck for 2005!

[punkychicken]

Hi tartanwiz.  Beware of relying on constructive dismissal as very few cases are found in favour of complainants at tribunal. 

It sounds to me as though your boss is engaging you on the Drama Triangle.  This has 3 stations, Victim, Rescuer and Perpetrator.  Try not to play the game and get drawn in.  You have gone from being the victim to being the perpetrator and your boss is the victim of your supposed childishness.  Tiresome I know but try and stay out of the game and keep remote and polite.   She'll soon get tired if you don't play.

[sunflower68]

Hi Tartan!  I hope your new year has been kind to you....just curious to know if your boss has been too.  Hope it's getting a little better for you.