What would you do?

[star1000]

I was fostered when I was younger, I don't believe I was a bad child - in fact compared to many I think I was very good, but nevertheless my dad stood at the door and told the police he didn't want me anymore and my mum let him. They took me to foster care where I stayed until I grew up. My dad drank sometimes and hit my mum and us kids, I think maybe my mum wanted me to stay but didn't have the balls to stand up for herself or her kids. I am now a grown woman who has done well for herself all things considered, I have good qualifications, a good job, a fantastic man, a nice home and good friends. However, despite a lot of time (years even!) passing I have still not come to a decision as to what I should do. Do I need to appreciate what I already have and totally forget the past and my so-called family or do I try to find them and make amends for something I don't see as being my fault. I have a sister I haven't been able to see in 8 years as she lives with my parents. I don't know where they are as they moved and didn't let me know where they were going (I have tried electoral roles etc with no luck). I don't want to be rejected and have to go through a lot of pain again or hear that the past was my fault when it wasn't but on the other hand I don't want to regret doing nothing at a later stage in life. If this was you, what would you do? Do you think parents that can give up their kids just like that deserve a second chance? Do you honestly think they care as woudn't they have been in touch themselves if they did?

TIA

[squarebear]

Can I ask how you know the circumstances of them giving you up seeing as you have had no contact?

[pips1]

I would try and find them if I were you. If the worst happened (which I hope it won't) and you were rejected again, at least you would know the score and that you had tried. You sound a lovely person and have done well. It is their loss. My brother was abandoned by his mum and we fostered him. He loves us all and is now married with his own family. He did try to find his mother but never did.

[andy-hughes]

This situation obviously still hurts you, or you would not think about it to this degree, and seek advice from uninvolved individuals.

I think it would be best to simply cut the emotional ties that bind you to people who do not appear to want you.

Of course it is very hard to accept that you were rejected as a child - even though you try and see the circumstances that could in some way explain - though not excuse, your parent's actions.

It is apparent that you have climed over this situation in practical terms - it has not held you back or preventd you fron enjoying a fulfilling life as an adult.

The problem is with the lack of 'closure' as psychologists refer to this situation.

I would be inclined to 'close' it myself, and simply accept that your early circumstances were not of your making, and close the door on that part of your childhood.

Trying to assess what happened and why from an adult perspective is fraught with danger, and the chances are heavily in favour that the individuals concerned would not be willing to re-visit those times in order to give you peavce of mind.

So find peace for yourself - close this chapter and concentrate on living your life as an adult. What happened, happened, and no notion of understanding it is going to change the hurt and abandonment you suffered back then.

I would consel against trying to go back and open old wounds, for you especially - it stands to cause far more pain that it heals.

Let it go. Be proud of yourself and your achievements. Live your life. Don't hurt any more.

[elaine33]

gosh this is a tough one. I can speak personally but remember I am detatched as they are not my family but they are yours and I do not have the same feelings as you do.
Personally I am not of the blood is thicker than water brigade. I have family members who I no longer see or have anything to do with and I do not feel anything at all for them. If they were to try to make contact I would ignore it. My father died recently and two of them came out of the woodwork but only to see what they could get of his posessions.
Your family have turned their back on you, they have not made any attempt to contact you so I would say they probably would not welcome you contacting them. However, if you have done well for yourself they may well decide you are the prodigal child and then use you and play on your misplaced guilt.
If it were me I would put them in the past and just get on with your life. They turned their back on you, it is up to them to make the moves.

well as I said, that is my opinion, for what it is worth. I just hope you find peace in your mind, as it is obviously causing you some hurt.

[star1000]

I really appreciate all of your answers. It is something I have not addressed and had closure from as andy-hughes says. I think the time has come where I want to deal with it, come to a decision, put it in the past and move on with my life. I really wanted to know what others thought as I don't know the right or wrong answer and I don't think there is one.

Squarebear: I just assumed they didn't want me as there was honestly nothing that I could see that I had done wrong. When social workers phoned them to see if they were willing to take me back and work through things they said no.

pips1: I'm not sure, I think I have a gut feeling that they would just shut the door on me. Although I haven't moved on I suspect maybe they have and they don't feel as hurt as what I did.

Andy-hughes - a lot of what you have said is true and makes sense. I wish someone could have said all that to me before now! You're bit at the end brought tears to my eyes, I so want to let it go and move on.

Elaine33: I think you've made me realise families are not always close or what they are like in the happily ever after films!

[lajohn]

I cannot beginning to imagine what you must be going through mentally, all these unanswered questions. I sympathise with you. Mothers usually defend their children and hide their faults from angry fathers; I don�t understand why your mother did what she did.

Is it possible that you are not the child of the man whom you might think is your father and he didn�t want you so they give you up? Even if that might be the circumstance I still don�t understand your mother�s action towards you. If I was in a situation like you are, I would try and find my sister and put all the rest behind me and move on with my life. Sister was not responsible for parent�s behaviour. All the best to you.

[pips1]

Having read all the other responses you have had, I think maybe I was wrong to say to you to look them up. I was going on my own experience of what my foster brother went through, but every case is different. If I am confused as to what to tell you, I can't imagine what you must be feeling. I wish you all the best and hope you manage to reach the right decision. You have received some good advice on here.

[star1000]

Tejam - thanks for your opinion

lajohn - I guess everyone has unanswered questions in their life but we have to deal with them. There are a lot of questions but I guess it would be a waste of my life if I spent all of it wondering what if and why.

Pips - I appreciated your answer earlier, I wanted to see what everyone thought and you gave me an honest answer based on your experiences. Thank you

[theonlyone]

If you can track them down .. contact your
sister and then one thing at a time ..hope
all goes well ..good luck...

[ladyalex]

There is never going to be an answer for your parents' behaviour towards you. By that I mean they will never be able to explain why they rejected you in a way that any reasonable person would accept.
The job of parents is to look after their children, not reject them, no matter what the child does and, frankly what on earth could a young child possibly do that would make a parent reject them? Remember we are talking about you as a child here, not you as an adult.
There could not possibly have been a fault on your side, the problem lay (and almost certainly lies) squarely with them .
You may still decide to track them down, but be sure that whatever fantasies you may nurture in the deepest recesses of your mind, they will not have a reasonable and acceptable answer for their behaviour and will not have deeply regretted giving you up. Sorry to be so plain spoken , but if they had deeply regretted giving you up they would have got you back. These people are part of your past and do not deserve your love/care/concern. If you do track them down, please let it be so that you can confirm that they do not deserve you, not to make any kind of effort to find love from them.
Again, very sorry to be so blunt, but you have been hurt enough and I cannot see that you will get much in the way of answers ...at least not those anyone in your situation would most want.
You sound to have truly risen above the experiences of your youth and I hope you can see yourself for the lovely person that you are....and almost certainly were when you were younger too.

[tigwig]

that is a sad story, well done for not turning out screwed up!! If it were me I would be thinking about my sister but wouldn't really want to contact the father. It sounds like your mum was terrified of your dad and didn't dare leave him. You could always try to get contact for you sister's sake she may be thinking of you. I think that if your parents wanted to contact you they would do it first and I'm not sure if they could be given a second chance especially your dad. Its up to you of course do you want to contact them or forget about them? Either way its your call, you don't need to justify your reasons to anyone even yourself

[Beanmistriss]

Hiya. My ex boyfriend was abused by both his parents as a child an eventually taken into foster care. They blamed him for this and he didnt have cocntact for many years. He had a younger brother and sister who he also didnt see and who weren't abused. Anyway when we were together we went round to see his mum and they built some kind of relationship. He got in touch with his brother and sister. Then we contacted his dad and after a time went to stay with him for a short holiday. His mum rejected him after this and threw him out the house when we visited. Then he went to see his Dad again, his new wife got jealous and they threw him out too. Six years later he now has a relationship of sorts with his mum speaks to his Dad on the phone but has good relationships with both his brother and sister.

Sorry to go on but the point I was trying to get to really was that I couldn't see why he would want to have anything to do with them at all. They are a total shower of sh1te in my opinion. But it was important to him. So even though it's not logical for you to have a desire to go back and sort things out it's not unusual. His mother especially blames his father and him for what happened and to a certain illogical extent he believes this and I think that's why he has put up with their behaviour since but he has been hurt so much all over again.

If you are going to try to track them down you need to be very secure in yourself and your belief that what happened was not your fault. You need to make sure you will have support from that lovely bloke of yours and don't go looking for some wonderful reunion or you will probably get hurt. But you may feel its worth trying even just for the sake of your sister?

Just remember it takes more than giving birth to make someone a mother and more than a bit of sperm to make someone a father. So don't put too much onto the fact that you're biologically theirs. Good luck with

[andy-hughes]

I am sure that you posted saying that this post was under a different identity to get responses unbiased by knowledge of you as a regular AB'er.

I read the first answer, then had to leave my PC, and now i can;t find it - has it been removed? If not, can you direct me to it, so I can read what everyone said?

Thanks.

A x

[CAJ1]

No, its still there andy-hughes. You were the one who made me decide i needed to put an end to this torture, move on, be proud of myself and forget. Thank you, you said everything I needed to have said to me to make me come to a decision x

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