Teenage daughter advice - also in parenting!

[HJT40]

have received so much good advice from people on here to do with my 13 year old daughter, I am hoping that I can ask for a little bit more.

I have been on my own with my daughter for what seems a long time, any relationships I have had have been kept away from the house until I am sure how it is going, thinking it not fair on her to meet someone who may not stay around. Anyhow, I have recently met a very lovely man, kind caring, to both me and my daughter and lives next door to us.

Recently, in the evenings she has been coming downstairs to say goodnight in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, which her bra hangs out of the top of. What I am getting at is that I don't think what she is wearing is acceptable and I have asked her to put a dressing gown on. She has also taken to going in the garden to do handstands and goes for a run in the field out the back. This may not seem strange to some people, but it feels strange to me.

I am wondering a) whether she has developed a crush on him or b) wondering if she is trying to attact attention (if that is not the same thing). Anyhow something about it makes me feel very uncomfortable, but I don't want to make her feel awkward in her own home.



HJT40 Thurs 24/07/08 10:18

[karmgirl]

Not sure what all those sorts of actions means?

Are you saying she has only started doing these things since he has been on the scene?

Could be part crush part attention seeking. Perhaps shes worried shes not going to get as much love and attention from you as well now

[Ethel]

This is perfectly normal behaviour for a 13 year old girl.

She is becoming aware of herself and is 'practicing' for want of a better expression on a man she regards as very safe. All young girls do it.

[HJT40]

Karmgirl, yes, she has only been doing it since he has been about, she wouldn't normally dream of walking around dressed like it if we had anyone round.

Ethel, Thank you. But it does make me feel uncomfortable.

What should I say to her, if anything?

[HJT40]

Tetjam, he thinks nothing of it. He certainly isn't "bothered" by it.

[karmgirl]

I agree with you actually ethel...I remember when my dad had a new girlfriend and I foudn myself really desperately wanting her approval and her to like me (i'm a girl so it wasn't a crush it was just seeking approval)

[Ethel]

I wouldn't say anything, to be honest. She'll get fed up soon enough

[karmgirl]

Oh and that was around the age of 12-13

[karmgirl]

Yeah don't say anything - you don't want to embarrass her, girls are very sensitive at that age. It'll pass

[HJT40]

Thank you Karmgirl and Ethel!! Its always good to hear the voice of reason.

[karmgirl]

Good luck xx

[andy-hughes]

There are a number of issues here for your daughter -

she is at a sensitive age, as advised, and is exploring her reactions to various cahnges in her life.

I would guess that if you sat her down and asked her why she is doing this - and i don;t for a minute suggest that you do - she will answer with "I don;t know ..." which will be the perfect answer, since it is the truth.

Part of her baheviour is a little attention-seeking from you, to say 'I'm here as will you know!' when your guy is around, and part of it is seeing what his reaction is.

If he has said nothing, and appears to ignore her - which is the best thing he can do - then this will simply pass when she goets bored of the lack of response - pretty quickly I'm guessing.

If your guy is uncomrtable, talk it over with him, and ask him to ignore her - remember, the adult perspective on children's behaviour is very different - what he sees and thinks compared to what your daughter is looking for can be oceans apart.

Above all, reassure your daughter that she is vitally important to you - make sure you give her plenty of time, and be open and honet with her questions about everything - which should be encouraged.

As a dad of three girls, I have learned to keeo all communication channels open at all times, most of the time you get ignored, sarcasm, or drivel, but just sometimes she will need to reach oout, and if she is used to talking to you, she will do so openly.

Good luck.

[HJT40]

Thank you Andy, much appreciated.

[andy-hughes]

You are most welcome.

A x

[tigwig]

Hi, it definitely sounds like she is attention seeking to me mainly. There may be an element of crush there too but as others have said its perfectly normal. Does your boyfriend say anything about it? I wouldn't make it too much of an issue with your daughter but keep reassuring her she comes 1st as I'm sure you already do and in time she will realise she doesn't have to do 'silly' things to get attention

[elaine33]

I saw this post last week and I responded to it. I also received a thank you from HJT40 thanking me for my comments. Today I have come back to the post to see how things are and if there is an update to find that my response is missing. anyone know why? It was not abusive or rude, I would never use this forum for that. I have always tried to offer friendly advice. so I am very puzzled

[HJT40]

Hi Elaine,

I also posted this in parenting, but wasn't sure which category it should go in, did you reply in that one?

Things are a little better, thank you for asking. She does seem to really like the man that I am seeing, she told my friend that he took time to speak to her and made sure that she wasn't left out, which is nice. My dad also commented on girls her age having crushes, and I hadn't mentioned the problem to him. She also told my friend that she hoped we would get married next year...... not sure about that one, but once I had read all the kind responses on here it did put my mind at rest and that if it is a crush most girls go through it.

Thank you again.

[elaine33]

Yes, it was the other post. thank goodness, I thought I was imagining things. I am so glad to hear that things are going well with you and your daughter. teenage years are difficult for parents and child, finding the right balance is the way to get through it but it is easier said than done. Keeping the communication open is always good and listening is as important as talking. Enjoy your daughter and tell her daily that you love her.