please advise me im lost and confused

[confusedlady]

i think im lookin for friendly advice please im feelin down right now
5 yrs ago i married the man of my dreams he was 13 yrsolder than me and it didnt matter i was deeply in love
we had a baby rather quick andi got pnd. i pulled myself out but found i was veryunhappy in the marriage
i have realised my husband doesnt fufil my emotional needs need for affection conversational needs need for sexual contact ( and when he does it doesnt rockmy world :( )
this contiued for 3 yrs we now have another child but i have asked talked shouted begged cried and cried and cried askin him to change and have waitinon him hand and foot even he gives me no attention at all. keep his home and kids clean.
now i ve had enuff and asked for divorce he now suddenly want s to try to change i canot bear to stay with him longer to ignore me for 3 yrs and ignore my tears all those nights i cant forget i need to seperate and divorce from him.
now we are sperated ihave met sumone else and we are crazy in love and he is everything my husband wasnt ut i badly wanted him to be.
i want a future with this man at sum point altho realising now isnt the time
but i cant bear to hurt myhusband but cant bear to stay with him is this normal
im just tryin to focus on my kids and get them happier
and get bak to study an dget my life bak and b a person again
so any advice appreciated and please b gentle.
thnx x

[obNOXious]

Well you have just ,as gently as possible, to extract yourself from the situaiton with your husband. Once something is dead and buried it usually is, and since he chose to ignore you until his pleasant little world was seriously threatened, then I think you should have compunciton in gently forging ahead with your new life.foster a good relationship with your children with him and try to stay on the best terms possible.
Take things steady though if you don't mind me saying so , don't jump out of the frying pan and into the fire, because you crave human contact so much., and good luck to you, what you are feeling is very normal I think.

[tombrandy]

Let you feet do the talking.....good luck

[Sarahmitz]

Hi, Confusedlady, we all have a story to tell, where some things are similar. I think you should remain strong to your gut feeling. I really don't think a leopard can change his spots. Hubby might want to change 'cos he'll be missing everything that's familiar. I think you are 1/4 way there. You're following your head... separating, thinking of kids etc, all that's good. You also have confidence & self esteem. These are priceless characteristics when going through a break up. Liken it to a death & over time you will go through all emotions i.e. anger, sadness, loss, resignationetc. Time will heal and you'll be a better person for it . We get one shot at life so what's wrong with striving for what we want and not what we have (emoyionally).You could both try RELATE which helps with break-ups aswell as conciliation.
Good luck and be strong, things REALLY DO get better..

[MrBen5]

Hmmm, i dont understand these women who continue to have children when their relationship is going nowhere.
Your priority at the moment are your children.
You need to take time away from your husband and explain to him you need a break. He isnt going to like it, but if you cant bear to be with him, your kids will pick up on it and it will cause major issues later on in life.
Dont tell your husband you are leaving him for someone else either, just say you no longer are in love with him and need space...

[boogieboogie]

You are not in a good situation and need a listening ear some place to vent and then you need to focus on the future and nothing else to get you throught this difficult time. You were madly in love with your hubby when you first met, now you can't stand him. You are madly in love with this new guy, in a few years you wont be able to stand him either. (is my guess as it's a recognised pattern of behaviour). He may be totally different to your husband but if he gives you all the attention, conversation etc this is probably the thing you'll grow to hate, his words will irritate you and his attention may become stifling. However good it is initially these are the harsh facts. Relationships are difficult they need work.

[firetracie]

Hi CL. Loads of hugs sent your way.

Been in your position. Hubby was wonderful until we got married. Then it changed. Not overnight - but gradually. We hit three points in our relationship when I told him I couldn't go on and each time we talked things out and agreed to make an effort - on both sides. So we did, but after about six weeks he went back to being the way he was before. It seemed to me that once he was comfortable again he reverted to his old behaviour. I never tried to change him from something he was into something he wasn't. All I wanted was the man I had married.
Three times was enough though and I eventually left him, a week before our wedding anniversary because I realised I couldn't in all honesty buy him a card with the usual 'thanks for the past years and let's hope we have many more' message. He wasn't happy and made more promises but I couldn't believe them anymore.

But you don't stop caring for someone just because you believe you can no longer be with them, so I can understand that. Unless the relationship has been so bad that you hate them the love that you feel for someone when you marry them and promise to be theirs forever leaves a lasting impression.

Trust in yourself and go with your instincts. Take time to extricate yourself from your marriage. Don't rush to make a committment to anything or anyone until you're more settled.

Try RELATE if you can, but in my experience they're overwhelmed with cases and it may be difficult to get to see someone.

I wish you lots of luck.

[confusedlady]

hi thanks for all ure answers they are appreciated
in response to mr beni didnt try to change him he changed when we had kids and i didnot know him well b4 hand as he is muslim so we had very little relationship prior to marriage. i think its about my age being 20 at the time i married i was searching for a father figure now im 6 yrs more mature he is not fufilling his role as a father or husband he does go to work and stashes all hismoney in his accounts leaving me paying everythin. thanks to firetracie ure right he did reali love me when we married how he has changed nad i guess i have tooo but i shud have foreseen a 20 yrsold and a 35 yrold havin issues but i didnt :(
thanks again guys continue to advise pls

[Kefalonia]

First - and obviously too late - why the hell have another child? OK, second - if you do choose this other "ideal" man DON'T have a third child just because he wants one of his own!
And third - nobody is perfect, surely you're mature enough to realise that? How could you have been deeply in love if he didn't talk to you, didn't fulfil you sexually and expected to be waited on hand and foot? Sorry if I sound unsympathetic but I'm sick of Ricki Lake type shows full of immature procreating kids who don't know what they want - plus family members who drive me mad.
Good luck, perhaps one day you'll be happy with your lot.

[confusedlady]

it wasnt always as i described as i said he loved me when we first married and acted lovin