They're Coming After Your Holidays...
News0 min ago
jokes
35 Answers
anyone know any funny jokes? i'm bored...
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for bob�..
A man walked into a pub after a long day at work, ordered a pint of beer, and sat down by the bar to enjoy it. Before long he'd finished about half his drink and needed to go to the toilet, so off he went.
Whilst he was away a massive woman standing in the corner walked up to the bar, picked up the drink, farted into his pint, replaced it, and walked away again.
When the man came back, he sat down to enjoy his pint again, but after he'd taken a mouthful he spat it out at once and yelled at the barman, "Oi, barman, this pint tastes disgusting! What's happened to it?"
"Well, you see that massive woman over there? She farted into it."
"What?"
"She farted into it. I didn't want to say anything - she looks like she could easily knock seven shades of sh*t out of me - but that's what she did."
"Right," said the bloke, stressed after a long day, "if you won't say anything, I will." He got up, went to the massive woman, and tapped her on her shoulder. She slowly turned around.
"Yes?"
"Er, did you fart in my Whitbread?"
"No, I'm Tessa Sanderson."
A man walked into a pub after a long day at work, ordered a pint of beer, and sat down by the bar to enjoy it. Before long he'd finished about half his drink and needed to go to the toilet, so off he went.
Whilst he was away a massive woman standing in the corner walked up to the bar, picked up the drink, farted into his pint, replaced it, and walked away again.
When the man came back, he sat down to enjoy his pint again, but after he'd taken a mouthful he spat it out at once and yelled at the barman, "Oi, barman, this pint tastes disgusting! What's happened to it?"
"Well, you see that massive woman over there? She farted into it."
"What?"
"She farted into it. I didn't want to say anything - she looks like she could easily knock seven shades of sh*t out of me - but that's what she did."
"Right," said the bloke, stressed after a long day, "if you won't say anything, I will." He got up, went to the massive woman, and tapped her on her shoulder. She slowly turned around.
"Yes?"
"Er, did you fart in my Whitbread?"
"No, I'm Tessa Sanderson."
-- answer removed --
A woman walks into the Benefits Office, trailed by 15 kids...
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?
'I call them by their surnames!'
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?
'I call them by their surnames!'
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
Robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily
The babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
Was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
Healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
Tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
Came out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! Came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
Ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the
Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'
Robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily
The babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
Was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
Healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
Tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
Came out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! Came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
Ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the
Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'
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