Am I being stupid?

[torn-in-two]

About three months ago I broke up with my BF of a year and a half for alot of reasons... Eg, Cheating and fighting alot near the end of the relationship.

But don't get wrong we have had a very good relationship, He is the most caring, loving person you can meet and he also is my one of my best friends. The cheating is a complicated story, but we both have classed it as him cheating.

I have recently started dating a new lad, and in all honesty I don't even know if I have any real feelings for him as I really miss my ex, And he miss's me.I can't even go a week without the two of us talking and when we have went for over a month I Cried alot and was down all the time.

We have recently been talking and I told him I had been thinking of trying for the relationship, But if we got bak together I would be afraid of hurting the new fella I am dating but also Getting back with my Ex and it going back to how it was.

This break up has opened my eyes to the person he is, his good and bad qualities but has also shown me how much i value our relationships as partners and as friends.

I would just like to know Peoples views on this... and what they think I should or shouldn't do..

Thanks... xxxx

[mrs_overall]

You are being very unfair to your new boyfriend if you have no feelings for him and are thinking constantly about your ex. End it now before he gets too involved and you hurt him.

If your ex has cheated on you once, he'll do it again. Once the trust has gone it is nearly impossible to get it back. I don't believe you can ever go back - the past is a dead end street.

Why don't you take some time out from relationships until you get yourself sorted out?

[andy-hughes]

If it helps, this is a perfectly natural reaction to a break-up.

Part of you misses the familiarity and feeling of security that a relatrionship brings, no batter how badly it ended, or for what reasons, and the urge is to lapse back into familar territory, rather than launching out into the big cold strange world of another relationship.

You must not mistake this rosy nostalgia for genuine feelings - or the willingness to focus on the good and gloss over the bad in your relationship - it is natural, but's false.

You can;t really decide how you feel about your ex if you are still being 'friends'. You are not being friends, you are scratching at the scabbed wounds that broke you up. You may be able to be friends in the future, but you can;t go from one relationship as lovers to another as friends seemlessly, however nice and neat that would be.

Take a complete break from your ex. Don't see him, call him, text him. Give your new relationship a chance. After a few weeks, you will have a better perspective on how you really feel about things. Do you really miss him, or is the loss of the fdamiliar that makes you feel you want him back? You can only assess that from a distance.

Be honest with your new boyfriend - you want to take it nice and steady because you are vulnerable and a bit lost. He will understandm, if not, then he is not the guy for you - which doesn;t mean that your ex is - one does not lead to the other, it's this 'wishful' thinking you must avoid at all costs.

Good luck, take some time, sort out your feelings, and then move on, in which ever direction.

[LoftyLottie]

I agree with Mrs Overall (and no knowledge). There is nothing to stop you just seeing this new chap as a date, but why are you commited to a relationship? Why is it essential that you are in a relationship? I fail to understand why people can't remain single unless they have feelings for people when they can then commit.

Only time will tell whether you and your ex will get together. For the time being just see him as a friend and keep your mind open. I don't know how old you both are, but often people change with age and it may be that your ex is just too young to commit.

[LoftyLottie]

Oooh Andy and I disagree! ;o)

[andy-hughes]

Cripes!

[Nightfold]

I don't think there is anything wrong with going with the first guy, I have broke up with my gf a number of times but in the end its better being with her because thats where her and I belong. We have both found we are better together, and we love each other more everyday. A break up no matter how long isn't the end of things unless you decide it is. If u dont like this new guy dont be with him, leave him and do what you feel is right after that, think with your head aswell as your heart. Good luck. xx

[maplestar]

I think relationships break up for a reason and it's definitely worth asking/remembering why it failed before and what you were feeling at that time. It's very rare for people to break up, get back together and then stay together. Someone who cheated will always be a cheater - or at least someone you can never completely trust. Everyone's situation is different, but sounds to me like maybe you need to take mrs_overall's advice - take some time out - be straight with the guy you're seeing atm and take a step back from the ex. Sounds to me you're longing for something that might not be as great as the reality - maybe a comfort zone you want to crawl back to? But the guy cheated on you! Good Luck.x

[onlyme26]

Hiya,

I think its only natural to miss your Ex and also natural to try and move on, but if you find moving on isnt helping you get past your Ex, id break it off, and have some time alone, how a good think what you really want,

i think maybe you should give you Ex another try, if you both love and miss each other this much! you only get one life! go for it! xxx

[gayed]

oh dear. why not get out the violin and start again? it may keep people awake when you tell the story

[888sally888]

Torn - I am in the same position atm. My husband didnt cheat but has had issues with jealousy which has caused me a lot of grief. We are separated atm and I, like you, dont know which way to go. Its so hard as I am scared of making a mistake.

[LoftyLottie]

I certainly don't believe that someone who cheats will always be a cheater. We can all change. Maturity brings wisdom. We all do silly things when we are young.

Don't write your ex boyfriend off. You will have both learned by your mistakes. Just take it day by day and see how it goes - but don't commit!

[sara3]

you're being unfair to the current man regardless. let him down gently and let him find someone who really wants to be with him for who he is, nto just some kind of stop-gap.

whether you go back to the man who cheats on you is really another story. of course you will miss someone you have been with for a long time,but don't forget why it all came to an end.

[bms]

I totally agree with LoftyLottie, I myself have cheated on my current G/F, somehow she did manage to find out and we had a big fight about it.
That fight taught me how wrong I was, and I couldn't afford to loose her because of the one I was cheating with.
We are now happy in our relationship, and I'll never do it again. Give him a try.

[torn-in-two]

Thank you all for the answers... They are very much appreciated because in all honesty i need all the advise I can get.

But I noticed alot of people think im WITH this new lad in a relationship, I am just dating him but not in a relationship wih him.

I do like this new lad but I'm not too sure how much much, it changes but i know its nothing compared to how I usually feel when i date lads as he is completly different to the kinda lad i usually am attracted to.

Before two nights ago I havnt seen nor spoke to my ex in over a month nearly and it completly broke me...
And I agree with the people that say you can never FULLY trust a person that cheats but i do believe if they truelly see what they have lost they wouldn't do it again?

sally - Its a horrible way to feel, I'm afraid if i get back with my ex it'll fall back on the reasons it had fallen apart or could you truelly look past it and be happy.

But whats also keeping me from making a decision is what about this new lad? I do care about him and do have feeligs for him but he seems alot more involved, I think he may be looking for a relationships whereas I am looking for dating - and dating only unless its a relationship back withn my ex.

Thanks again for all the advise :)

x.x.x.x

[LoftyLottie]

If you both truly want to be together then I think you should give it another go with your ex because it seems really obvious to me that you love each other. There may be many reasons why the cheating occurred - only you and your ex will know why. You say that the cheating and fighting occured near the end of the relationship. Perhaps you needed to communicate rather than cheat and fight.

Good relationships are not easy to maintain unless we are very lucky, but you seem to have a tremendous amount of feelings for your ex and you do say he is the most loving and caring person you have ever met. That can only be good.

Whatever you do, I wish you luck.

[LoftyLottie]

And you both will have learned a great deal from your past mistakes.