Next Of Kin

[trajajo]

My ex husband has died suddenly not leavin a will. As for property and the like i am clear on. My son who is only nine is his next of kin. My concern is that my ex husbands parents understandably want to arrange the funeral. My little boy has been a star and is fully aware what death means. We are regular Church goers, but my ex husband wasn't. My son is aware of buriels and not of cremation. It was hard enough for me to have to tell him that his father had died but, as we know what children are like, to have to explain about Cremation and the process my main concern is that this will affect him emotionally. What i would like to know is, as he is next of kin and i'm his Gaurdian where do we stand for insisting on a buriel?

[Ethel]

You can't insist on burial, and in fact there is no legal definition of 'next of kin'.

You can appeal to the parents to change their minds and have a burial but they don't have to.

I they insist on cremation, you can help your son by making sure he understands that his Dad is in heaven already and as a Christian I am sure he is aware of the body as the shell and not the person.

Try and tell him factually that his Dad is not being buried but is being cremated. Tell him the process of the service and what happens while he is there. If he asks 'technical' questions about the cremation process you will have to tell him honestly otherwise his imagination will take over.

Perhaps your Vicar could be a support at this time.

This is a nice little booklet you can download:
http://www.efbox.co.uk/kids-explain-death.htm

Make sure your son understands he won't be watching the cremation - children do tend to get ideas lodged in their heads. He will be at a nice service to say good bye to his Dad, and the cremation will take place afterwards, when he is at home.

[daniela31]

This must be a very sad time for you as you have to witness your son being both unhappy and probably confused.
no-one likes to see their children upset, and I'm sure you will do all you can to help him understand what is happening.
Your husbands parents just be responsable adults and would know what your husband prefered as to the cremation. They have also lost a loved one, and losing a child before their time can be very traumatic.
You cannot insist on a burial, and even though your son is his only dependant, as Ethel says, it does not necessarily mean he his next of kin.
I was next of kin for my late brother, because he appointed me to be.

[onlyme26]

i think its up to his parents to decide how they bury their son.

i dont think it will easy either way for your poor son, surely you dont HAVE to explain the gory details?

i doubt you have much say in this, i mean anything he leaves behind will automatically go to your son, but as you are not married anymore, the funeral arrangments will be his mother and fathers responsability

good luck anyway and sorry for your loss xxx

[daniela31]

why not, after the cremation, create your own little space, that your son can visit and leave flowers or say a prayer, that only you two know about.
mark it with a tree or shrub, and let your son see it grow.
He may want somewhere to go in future so he can 'talk' to his father.
I have a special place like this for my brother, and on certain days, it is a comfort.

Bless you both.
xxxx

[onlyme26]

aww daniella that is a lovely idea xxxxx

[daniela31]

Thanks onlyme....
It may not work for everyone, but it works for me...
:-)

[bednobs]

i think you are not giving your son enough credit - why do you think he wouldn't accept a cremation? could it be because YOU find it hard to accept? children are very resilient beings, and you dont have to protect them from everything! personally i think, if you present it in a "normal" light (ie it is normally one of the things that can happen after death) then i cant see why he wouldnt accept it. Why you would want to go against his parents wishes and cause more upset at this awful timeis beyond me!

[dot.hawkes]

If he has not left a will, his parents will have to apply for letters of administration and it is sometimes more expensive and more complex than if a will was left, but i am sure your son's grandparents will take the time to make sure their grandson is not left out of anything, they will need to have him close to them at a time like this i would imagine

[myselfness]

i remember going to my uncles funeral when i was 9, he also got cremated, and i understood that its just his body so the actual cremation bit as such wasnt the problem- i thought they took him out the coffin and had him hung up behind the curtain like jesus on the cross (not too sure where i got that one from?)
i think explaining exactly what it is in basic terms is probably your best bet, as ethel said kids have some incredible imaginations!

[VLADIMIR]

When my Ex died, none of us went to the funeral. My children were 4,5&8. I explained as best I could. They were very close to their dad & are now19,16 &15 & well adjusted children, with no hang ups. If we're open & talk life is easy... which you're doing. I didn't get involved in any burial arrangements because he was no longer my husband & so I had no right, irrelevant of children. Good luck& life to you
Sarahmitz (On Vlad's computer)

[Whoever]

As you are divorced, your son's grandparents will be his next of kin for the purpose of arranging the funeral, and in many ways a cremation can make the ceremony more dignified. Just imagine how dreadful a burial would be if there were torrential and persistent rain on the day of the funeral and everybody got soaked and were up to their ankles in slippery mud? . I have attended more than one such funeral in conditions like this and it makes dealing with grief even greater . Don't fall out with your in-laws over this. They too are grieving and it could make future conditions between them, you and their grandchildren more difficult. Just explain to your son what will happen in the cremation service, assuming he wants to attend, and give him lots of love and assurance. Having lost his dad, he doesn't want to be fretting about not seeing his grandparents any more because you've fallen out with them. One loss is quite enough for a nine year old to cope with.