If your brother has done something

[karmgirl]

really terrible to you in the past, is it wrong to forgive and forget and still love him?

[Ice.Maiden]

So sorry to hear about this karmgirl. Not only do I think you need to talk to someone in confidence about this, but I really think you ought to be brave and bring the subject up with your brother. He was young, and hopefully very foolish, but even so, you have a right to be concerned. If I was in the same situation, I'd calmly ask him to explain himself, and that until you're satisfied, there's no way that if you ever have children, that he'd be able to go near them. If he's remorseful, and has any sense, he'll appreciate your point of view, and do his best to pour out his own troubled feelings. All the best to you hun. x

[Bobble1]

Hi Karmgirl,
it was my brother too. I was the same age as you were, he was 15. I feel exactly the same as you do re. children - although i can tolerate his company, when I have children he will never be left alone with them. It just isn't worth the risk. Over the years, I have met 3 other girls who have been abused by adolescent brothers and male cousins, so I think it goes on more than people realise. I agree with your reasons as to why it happened... another person has suggested asking him about it and getting him to explain it... I don't think that is a good idea. I just don't see what good it would do, and his response may make you feel worse. i told a teacher at school and the whole thing blew up in my face, and then got brushed under the carpet, so I really regret telling anyone. But everyone's experience is different.

[karmgirl]

Thats so weird that it was exactly the same. I think it goes on more than people think then. Was it sexual abuse? Mine was. I think the people on the bus who my brother was hanging around with were saying that its the done thing to practice with your sister or something maybe. Sick. I've got a feeling another girl on the bus that I was friends with had sex with her younger brother. Have never asked her and not in touch anymore. I think hopefully it was just a case of like I say, being young and easily influenced so I'm not going to mention it to anyone or him. We said we would never mention it again soon after it happened. I don't think he is an abusive person really but having said that I will still try and make sure if I ever have children that not left alone with them.

Thanks for sharing your story its a real comfort. Take care, all the best xxx

[karmgirl]

What do you mean the whole thing blew up in your face?
Did the teacher tell your family?

How old are you now if you don't mind me asking?
I'm 21 so its 11 years ago

[Bobble1]

Well, I told a teacher who got social services involved, told my parents and they confronted my brother, and my dad said some awful things to me, and the gist of it was that they didn't believe me and they thought that I'd made the whole thing up - although they never said that to me, that is just the assumption I came to. I was never offered counselling. My brother is much more articulate than me and I think he must have told everyone a whole load of crap to convince them it wasn't true. It was sexual abuse, yes. I'm now 30 so it was 20 years ago. In some ways I just think he made a really stupid mistake, and like you say other kids say stuff and talk about it and about practising etc, and I guess they don't realise what an impact that has on the sister psychologically and emotionally. I don't think he has ever or would ever do it to anyone else, but it was easy for him to make that mistake, I'll not let him make another mistake when I have kids.
It's tough that you have never talked to anyone about it, as I said I've spoken to 3 girls in the past about it who have had similar experiences, and that has helped a bit, to at least talk to someone who can understand it. So I hope it has helped you a bit to talk on here about it, thats why I mentioned my experience so that you would know you weren't alone.

[karmgirl]

Ah thats awful they didn't believe you. I've never thought about people not believing me if I told them - I've just thought about how it would break the family up and how they might never want to see my brother and maybe even me again and what if my dad hits my brother - I've just thought about that but the fact that your family didn't believe you is horrible.

I jsut wanted to ask as well, you say you've spoken to 3 other girls who have had similar experiences, but how do you find these girls? Was it like in a support group or something? Surely not just some random girl cus how would you bring the subject up?

[Bobble1]

hey, sorry to take so long to respond, you probably won't be checking this anymore but I've not had a chance to reply until now... anyway to answer your question re. the other girls, it was just by chance with each of them that they told me about their experiences. I get a lot of people telling me personal thoughts etc generally - not really sure why, but anyway these girls told me what happened to them without knowing what had happened to me, and then I told them about my similar experiences. These 3 talks were spread over a period of 7 years, and they were pretty much one-off, late night one2-one talks. It did help, but obviously it was just coincidence that they shared their experiences with me. I know that doesn't help you at all but I think if you were able to find out about support groups from a counsellor it would be worth a try.

[karmgirl]

Thanks bobble1 your story has helped xxx :-)