Grieving the loss of your Mum

[milliepops]

I had a conversation with my ex husband today, bit of an analysing where we went wrong kinda thing. He said he couldnt handle how i dealt with losing my mum and it was taking me too long to come to terms with it. I lost her in January and he left in May ! We had been together 19 years and he wants me back. I cant do it, u only have one Mum but he dint get it. Do you think he has a point, cos I dont, value all opinions

[abstract]

that does'nt sound like a good enough reason to me! he should have stuck by your side through thick and thin,in sickness and in health,through births,marriages and funerals! unless it really was you that flipped(even though its understandable as losing a mother/father child is shattering) but im not here to judge,if you can make it work and you can put the past behind you and you both click and are soulmates,is say give it a go as true love is sometimes hard or impossible to find...............good luck!

[pinktwink]

Doesn't sound like a good enough reason to leave someone at a time when they were at their lowest isthis the only reason?You say he couldn't handle how you dealt with your mom's loss it's hrd to comment on his actions as we don't know how it was you coped that would be helpful in understasnding.
Sorry to hear about your loss and yes you only ever have one mum but you seem to refer to her in the present tense sadly for you and many ohers you only "had" one mum and nothing will take away from your memories of her

[Jugglering]

Awww, sorry to hear of your sad news there Millie... You have only had 5 months to come to terms with the loss of one of the most important people in your life - your mum - who was probably around you for a lot longer than he (of 19 years) was. Just because he would be able to *get over it* quicker than you doesn't mean you are wrong. He seems to be the one with the problem, not you, love. It can take - on average - two years to get over a bereavement - and this is well documented, so tell him where to go right now. Sorry to be abrupt but it seems to me that he is the one with the problem, not you sweetie. On a positive note though, at least you two guys are still talking ! I would suggest that you ask him to either give you more time (as I reckon you are entitled to) or just back right off cos he's being too demanding.

[pastafreak]

Has HE lost a parent??....He really needs to put himself in your shoes. You only lost her in January.....that is still very recent....the wounds are still open,and it is going to take a while for you to come to terms with it. What- in his opinion- is TOO long???....It may take a few years,hun.The last thing you need is someone telling you to 'get over it' . Only time will heal it......and understanding from those around you. I say take him back...but only if he is willing to let you heal at your OWN rate...not as he thinks you should. If he really loves you, he will give you all the time you need.

[milliepops]

Thanks abstract, far from flipping, i bottled it up and only allowed myself to cry when alone, but on the odd occasion he caught me, he said " wot r u roaring for ? " and when i told him he said " oh, not that again ,its been weeks now "
I swing from loving him to hating him,long story but he really upset her the day before she died,the next time i saw her she was gone and i couldnt tell her i was sorry. Its a horrible feeling

[milliepops]

Thanks pink, juggle and pasta,u all sound so understanding. And no, he has still got his Mum and idolises her which is why i dont get how he cant understand. He has always wanted me to himself and cant stand me thinking or caring about anyone else, even my family, but to be jealous of me being upset at losing my Mum ? Didnt see that one coming, feel punchdrunk at the moment, he says he is going to commit suicide if i dont have him back. Sorry 2 be such a misery but am rite fed up

[abstract]

D@MN,now it sounds like he's trying to control you,and to use the ''im going to commit suicide card'' so you'll have 2 deaths to deal with sounds like the hallmark of a tru b@r steward! he sounds both controling and weak at the same time but suerly you cant be forced to be with someone because your scared that they'll kill themself,i mean................that aint love.............i sincerely hope things work out for you and that you come to a conclusion that makes you happy! good luck and be strong!

[pinktwink]

millie that is emotional blackmail and an indication of how unstable he is to threaten suicide. Life is so precious. He needs to see his gp if he is a risk to himself. A relationship is built on many things trust and love being important it is hard to trust someone who uses emotional blackmail. Perhaps you are better of without him

[milliepops]

Starting to think i would be pink, and ,abstract, always thought of him as strong, but not weak. Have i been missing sumthing or misinterpreting him ?

[pinktwink]

perhaps you are finally seeing him for who he really is .Seems a lot self centered and very emotional really only you know what is best for you .It is a tough decision as I am sure there were a lot of good times in the 19 years.Take care and good luck with your decision

[abstract]

im going to hit the hay! i suggest you go and have a hot drink and put your head to bed,dont over think as we all do especially at night time,clear your mind,get some rest and tomorrow will be a brighter,fresher day where you can get to do some real thinking! nite!

[milliepops]

Thankyou both, loads. I feel better 4 sharing and you said all the rite soothing things. Think i may sleep better tonite, thanks again ,nite nite x

[waterboatman]

Sorry to hear of your loss Millie. If he cannot support you when you most need it he is not worth the effort. you never get over losing a loved one. My brother was killed in Aden whilst in the army in 1967. I still miss him now, so I do understand how you are feeling. Of course it is your choice to make, but I think you are better off without the heartless git. He does not deserve you. you have enough to cope with without him pressurising you. as you say, you only have one mum, it is normal to grieve. You will always miss her, but look to your memories of her and the things you have done together. I wish you well millie xx

[raysparx1]

Hi millie, Can't believe he said that was the main reason,nobody can put a time scale on how long it takes to deal with such a massive impact on your life, as you say, we only have one mum and when she goes it hurts, it hurts real deep, not only that she has gone forever but the realisation that somebody that has been there for you all your life is no more. he sounds selfish, self centered, and only cares about what he wants, you needed him then, not now, your choice, I would kick him into touch, good luck with whatever you decide, all I will say is, be happy. xx

[funnygirl]

Good thing he wasn't married to me then!!!

I reckon I cried for a year, at home and at work.
Everyone is different and have different ways of dealing with grief. My husband is still with me and he was a great help then and now.

So no I don't think he had a point.

[sara3]

hi millie, and to mirror everyone else, I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you can look back and remember the good times with your beloved mum.

as for your ex-husband.. are you already divorced? that's very very quick. putting aside the main issue, your ex sounds emotionally immature and insensitive. if he upset your mum in her final hours, it's only down to you whether you think that is forgiveable. for him to not be supportive in your time of need.. same thing. can you forgive him?

you can't try again unless you can put these things behind you (I don't mean your feelings of loss for your mother), but they're big issues and you can't keep throwing them at each other.

you have to move on from this, one way or another. he may be sorry (is he??) but you know best if you have a future together.

best of luck x

[barney1966]

Sorry for your loss - have been through it myself.

he sounds selfish, attention seeking, controlling with problems with anger. Maybe he thought you didn't have enough time for him after your Mum died and had a fling elsewhere (happened to someone I know) and now that's over he wants you back?

Maybe he feels guilty over what happened between him and your Mum before she died but it doesn't sound as if he will admit to this, talk about it or seek help over it.

You sound as if you have moved on enough to know that you don't want him back. Most people who make those threats don't carry them out, they are only doing it to try to get the result they want, get attention, etc.