Cheating partner and the fool who follows.

[MGraham]

Even at my mature age I am stuck in a dilemma.

My god-daughter has always been a very good girl. She graduated with a !st from Cambridge and was always considered clever and wise.

Recently she began seeing a total waste of a young man, who took advantage of her whilst she was drunk in pressing for another sexual experience which she woke up feeling horrified and cheap over, but refused to speak to police.

Continuing, he has cheated on her with a friend of hers and with an unknown girl on holiday.

I can plainly see that by treating her 'mean' and making her work at 'making the grade', she feels closer to this horrible boy, and is now telling me and her parents that she wishes to start seeing this chap again.

I really really do not know what to do now after hours of talking to her as a mature adult and silently feeling the pain of her suffering.

She has lost her job, dropped out of Law school and taken to sleeping late and crying two/three times a day.

Advice younger posters / experienced fellows?

[redcrx]

well no-one can force her to go back to school and stop her seeing this guy without causing a lot of problems.

I would suggest that you give her some credit, after all you say shes clever, and let her work out for herself whats going on and deal with it in her own way and time. Be there for her to talk to as and when she needs you

Failing that see if she will speak to a counsellor of a close friend, if this guy raped her then she must be very confused to be going out with him. Have her parents spoken to her friends to see what other reasons there are for this sudden change?

[MGraham]

This whole saga has been going on for 5 months. She has lost most of her friends because of her constant complaints over this boys treatment of her, only to see the advice they give as ignored and in the case of the incident (I cannot call it 'rape' without sufficient charges) the many tears they shed over it. Her best friend even drove 400 miles to come see me and discuss the incident.

Whilst it is easy to say 'real friends should stick around', i feel for them a little after all their pain and advice is ignored.

[redcrx]

yes but true friends will stick around to support her when its over.

400 miles just to discuss it with you, just goes to show eh!

[cazzz1975]

she is an adult and although its hard to watch, she will ultimately do what she wants to do, always remind her you are there for her along with her parents, be supportive and hope she wakes up and smells the coffee eventually.

[HJT40]

To keep going back to the same person would, to me, seem that she believes that this is all she deserves, which is obviously not true.

As young girls, which I think I was once, some us go for the "bad boys" believing that we are going to change them and we too, even at an older age have bored our friends by constantly complaining about our boyfriends. Something has to "click" in her head to tell her that she is worth more than this and that she is actually boring herself by telling other people these things.

Unfortunately, I cannot advise what to say, but to be there for her and encourage her to believe that she is worth so much more than that.

[happyone2]

Once in a what i call "the hell " i loved a man who treated me with such disregard that it broke my mind...........i am intelligent and i tried to logically understand why he did do what he did and actually that made it even harder, beause sometimes you just happen to meet someone who is truly horrible and capable of causing pain just because they can.

But looking back on the me, who would not listen to the many many attempts of friends and family to get me to see what was happenng.........i realise that i was actually in the middle of a breakdown, caused by the stress of a divorce........ and i just couldnt take it in, i just down and just coped with anything that happened because that was better than having to deal with yet another change to my life.

i didnt know what it meant to be so exhausted of dealing with the stress that i just focused on him as the rock to help me thru, despite the mountain of evidence that he was tipping me over the edge........

i say this because i wonder if your god daughter just found studying and being the perfect daughter etc etc so hard and so exhausting that she had done what i did, and unfortunately again, like me ............picked the wrong person...........

how did it end ?............. i finally came out of the fog and got away from him................ it nearly killed me and i did it only because i didnt want to die .................

how can you help ??? be prepared to see her hit the depths of despair and hope that when she does she can trust you to come running and pick her up............if you make her feel that you only have one view and will keep drummng away at it will make her think she cant talk to you about it, and she wont.............

let her know you are there any time, day or night and help her when she needs it, never judging, never expecting her to do what you suggest, never chastising her if she doesnt take your

[daniela31]

Raggy, this is just one case.
Not all women think the same.

[QueenOfAmber]

First of all, I agree with you when you say he's a waste of a young man - he sounds like he's made of sh!t. Sorry!
Second, keep nagging on at her to go back to school. Show her pictures of when she was at her best. No-one can force her to do things but encourage her to do the right thing, eventually she will get the message. Speak to her friends and ask them to have a night out with them. Try to introduce her to new people to get her socializing again. Eventually you will win this battle, it's probably just her on a voyage to try something new but she got a little lost on the way. :)
Hope this helps,

QueenOfAmber

[ChocolatChip]

It's that old line of 'treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen'
I know of many girls who think the 'danger' and 'rebellious' is a good thing in a man. However they'd never say such a thing.
More than likely, she's probably head over heels in love with him, and she feels like she needs him, her life would be incomplete without him.
He will be making sure she believes that he's doing her a favour by being with her. And that he's such a burden to him, but because he 'loves' her. He'll carry on seeing her.
And she probably doesn't 'satisfy' his needs enough, and that's why he sleeps with others. Then making it her fault that he slept with someone else.
Basically, the only thing you can do is leave her to it. Yes it's awful. But just be there for her when she needs you.
If you keep on telling her how awful he is, then the more you'll drive her to him.
And even then, she might stay with him for the 'I told you so' factor.
Sorry I'm not being very elaborate, trying to describe it in the best way I can.