where do i stand?

[knilly]

My ex girlfriend of 5 yrs is almost 7 months pregnant, i have been told to stay away from her until the baby is born by her parents, and that there was no need to buy anything for the baby, even though i have bought loads of things and that 'i will be told when the baby arrives by her mother before i find out from anyone else second hand'. I want to be involved as much as possible with my child but it seems like she and her family dont. I have also been told that i may not be on the birth certificate and that if I want to be involved it will be an expensive court battle. I would like to know where i stand and if there is anything i can do to help my situation?

[smudge]

If you & your ex-girlfriend had been together for five years, there must be a good reason for her & her parents not to want you in the picture, especially if there is a baby on the way.

There are always two sides to a story & as we don't know either side, it would be difficult to know what advice to offer. Sorry.

[libertie]

Suggest you have a chat with a lawyer to find out exactly where you stand, regardless of what her parents may think! As a previous post states there are two sides to every story, but if you want to see and support your child then you need to be aware of your rights.  Good luck!

[smudge]

I agree with libertie regarding your parental rights.

I would tend to ignore what her parents have to say too, but it isn't just them is it, it is also your ex-girlfriend that doesn't want you in the picture. Hope things turn out ok for you all.

[Miss Zippy]

If you want to have joint 'parental responsibility' for your child with your ex, the best thing you can do is make sure you that you and your ex jointly register the birth. This will give you automatic parental responsibility. If teh birth is not registered jointly, then you will have to apply for a Parental Responsibilty Agreement ("PRA"). This is a very straightforward and inexpensive procedure where the mother agrees to it, in which case you both complete the necessary form and get it stamped and filed with the Court (no court hearings or anything like is involved). The only cost will be the Court filing fee, which is around �120. There is absolutely no need to get solicitors involved  However, where the mother contests the father having joint parental responsibility, this is where it can get expensive and messy as you will need to make an application via the Court for a PRA (requiring a Court hearing) and you would be advised to get a solicitor involved. The only thing you can do at the moment is try your hardest to win your ex  round so she will let you jointly register the birth with her.

[butter1]

I think this is terrible.  Whatever you or your ex may have done or put each other through - this shouldn't effect the future of your baby.  The baby should come first and shouldn't be brought up without their father.  I'm sure once things settle down and tempers have dropped everything hopefully should be ok.  Maybe because its a recent split and people and still 'sore' from it all.  Good luck.

[Shazza-suga]

tell them that its not fair to be pushed out of the babys life its going to need you at one point in his life weather its now or later! tell them u need to know the baby or u cant go on!! so good luck =)

[dirtyharriet]

I can imagine how hurt you must feel, however I wouldn't make waves at the moment. Your ex's mum has said she will tell you when the baby is born so they will be keeping you involved. You don't say what the circumstances of the break up were, but us women can be very emotional when we are pregnant. If the break up was quite bitter then your ex could be feeling very vulnerable and not up to seeing you. Although you are the baby's dad, she is having to adjust her life to being a single parent.
I think it's a shame that her parents are talking about court battles, it seems as though there's a lot of ill feeling? Her parents sound very protective, did you get on before the break up?
You say that you have been together for 5 years but it sounds as though your ex is quite young or are her parents just very controlling?

[JOEYSHABADO]

Sorry knilly, chin up.

I disagree about the message inherent in some of the earlier posts 'there must be a reason'. Of course, everyone acts with a reason, but it may well be unjustified. I know personally dozens of people who are driven by social prejudice above all else, and would want a father excluded on those grounds ('he aint one of us'). This is just an example, but people often are mighty prejudiced. I don't rule out any wrongdoing on your part, but I don't rule it in without good reason. I find it much more likely that they are acting out of shock maybe (ex marital child) and want you out of the way to protect maybe their own standing.

Good luck, I've seen similar situations, I hope it works out for you.

[knilly]

To answer some of the questions about the relationship, we are both 23,and it was basically in tatters through constant arguing, she thought that i was cheating, i wasnt, and was starting to become abusive, knowing i would not do the same to a woman. We split up got back together for one last go and within a matter of weeks she was pregnant. after two more months we split. I started seeing some one else after another two months.

[hey up!]

i feel sorry for u. talk to your ex and ask her what is going on and just tell her how you feel. She will understand, im sure of it.

good luck and best wishes. xxx

[dirtyharriet]

Your relationship sounds quite destructive.
You say she thought you were cheating, she became pregnant and the relationship finished, then you met someone else just 2 months after?
From her point of view, it may look as though you were cheating, to have gone out with someone else so soon and with your ex expecting your child.
I wouldn't hassle your ex, you have moved on and got another girl, your poor ex is left all alone. I can quite see why her parents are so protective.
Once the baby is born maybe you could plead your case but it isn't a good idea to harass a pregnant woman who is probably quite emotion and feeling wronged.

[Gevs1966]

I don't know how dirtyharriet can say "your poor ex is left all alone"?

She obviously has her parents support (if not a little misguided) and a willing father of her unborn child. I bet there are many pregnant 23 year olds out there who have a lot less and would give anything to be in that situation. We do not know all the ins and outs of you relationship and I find it impossible how anyone posting here can pass judgement on you so quickly as has been done above.

The fact you have got a new partner and she hasn't is completely irrelevant if you are prepared to be a father to your own child.

In my opinion your ex and her parents are completely out of order trying to cut you out of your baby's life like this. How will the baby feel when it grows up and asks about his father? What will your ex say then? Will she be honest and say that you were willing to be a part of its life and she told you where to go or will she make something up?

My advice to you would be to try to be as amicable as possible with your ex and her family and try to plead your case to them in a positive and polite way but to seek legal advice in the mean time to find out for sure where you stand legally.

 

Good luck and hope that everything works out.

[dirtyharriet]

Gevs1966 - I'll say what I think, as Knilly asked us to. I made sure I was in possession of some facts before I "Passed judgement" as you put it. If you re read my post again, You will see that I have written "from her point of view it MAY look as though etc etc.."

I do admit it may have come accross that I am on his ex's side and I apologise if this has offended people. Having been dumped while pregnant myself and knowing how absolutely distraught and alone I felt, I cannot help empathising with the woman. I couldn't bear to even look at my ex after he left and the thought of him with someone else totally crushed me.
I was merely trying to help Knilly understand how his ex may be feeling. After all if he can understand why she is refusing to speak to him and talk about the baby, ultimately won't it help him to be more sensitive when approaching her asking for contact? If he goes in all guns blazing and getting solicitors involved., won't this make the family all the more determined to shut him out?

And actually , yes I do think it MAY be relevant that he has another girlfriend, relevant to his ex, I mean. I MAY be wrong. NONE OF US know for certain what is happening here, not even Knilly as I ASSUME that's why he posted here. I was just putting my SUGGESTIONS across like everyone else, Is that ok with you, Gevs1966???

[Gevs1966]

You stated your opinion and I stated mine but you get angry when I do so. I was merely pointing out the fact that his ex may not be so poor and alone as you insinuated. When I said people had judged knilly I was talking about many posts above, if you read them it's pretty obvious what I mean.

The relationship between the two of them is not in question here, she MAY feel he cheated on her but we are not talking about that and it shouldn't even be considered. We are talking about knilly's rights as the father of his unborn child.

 

I didn't say to go in there guns blazing with solicitors did I? If you actually read the original question knilly mentions that the parents threatened "an expensive court battle". Surely if this was the case then it would be a good idea to get legal ADVICE to see where you stand in the eyes of the law. I'm not telling him to rage a full on custody battle am I.....?

 

knilly, sorry to turn your question into this kind of debate.

[dirtyharriet]

Knilly, I apologise for allowing your thread to be hijacked by responding to criticism.
Unfortunately until the law regarding Father's rights is changed dramatically, your only option is to make sure that you remain on good terms with your ex . I have a friend who was married to the mother of his child and when refused access went to a solicitor. He was basically told that if the mother wished to be awkward there wasn't really much he could do. He was advised that he could take her to court but there was nothing to ensure the ex stuck to an agreement. It's very unfair but the best way to make sure you see your child is to do your utmost to keep on friendly terms with your ex and not to rock the boat. When the baby is born, things may improve. It isn't much help but like others have said you can apply for parental responsibility. Has your ex definitely said that you won't be on the birth certificate? As you aren't married (I assume) you would have to be there when the birth is registered.

Hopefully the law will be changed soon but familes need fathers and fathersforjustice can be very helpful.

[Thunderchild]

may i offer my experience as a child of a disadered family: if you do want to get together again make sure the child grows up in a serene environment. my parents argued continuosly and it was a disastrous childhood. so if u choose to make it out together and bring the child up together get ready for a serene relationship or that childs life is a misery. mummy and daddy r a childs world and to see them fight is terrible and makes for an unsecure caracter (that i am still trying to strenthen) as they grow up in an unsecure envoronment. a child cannot be deceived and knows when things r not right and can see even subtle things.

[Thunderchild]

If a child lives with critism he learns to condem

If a child lives with hostility he learns to fight

If a child lives with  ridicule he learns to be shy

If a child lives with shame he learns to feel guilty

If a child lives with tolerance he learns to be patient

If a child lives with encouragment he learns confidence

If a child lives with praise he learns to appreciate

If a child lives with fairness he learns justice

If a child lives with security he learns to have faith

If a child lives with approval he learns to like himself

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship

he learns to find love in the world

 

read carefully and i suggest u keep it at hand and read every morning u and your girlfriend !