Cant stay neutral

[Maypole]

Im going through a crappy divorce but my problem is that after a sterling effort for 18months I seem to have lost the ability to be neutral to my daughter about her father.
I even called him a sh1tbag to her the other day which is pretty rubbish and unhelpful.
I am emotionally cutting myself off but the fact that he doesnt call his daughter, sees her a minimal amount, doesnt listen to her and is in fact a sh1tbag lol means its really hard for me to say anything at all when she is in tears.
Please!! Some tips and quick....anyone?

[chattykathy]

How old is your daughter, Maypole? I think it's best to try not to make a comment about him & let her realise for herself what a sh1tbag he is! I know it's difficult but you don't want anyone, especially her, saying you turned her against him. Kids usually work it out for themselves, just be there to give her lots of love & understanding :-)

[Maypole]

She is 11 chatty - thanks for your answer.

Ive backed off from badgering him to keep in touch and so she does now realise what kind of man he is. She looks to me for answers though and I just dont have them. I try and say all the right things but they sound hollow even to me. The disappointment in her is huge and all I can feel is empathy because I know EXACTLY how she feels.

The look in her eyes just increases my anger which is why its increasingly difficult to stay neutral.......... I just dont know what to do now

[truffles]

You did well for 18 months, my daughter is 11 but we split up when she was about 5, he was not very good for about a year he did turn up but randomly then eventually when i set down the law, we have alternate weekends, when there is problems, i have learnt not to show it in front of her, but they do pick up on things, only other suggestion i have is that as long as your there supporting her and she has a secure homelife, love etc she'll be fine. I get the impression that men can sometimes find it hard to keep a regular relationship with there kids when they dont live with them, unfortunatly we can't make them. I just used to give my daughter all the support and everything she needed, her Dad did notice i think he felt left out. He's now on top form. but it took a long time. be there for her, enjoy having her to yourself, hopefully, he'll realise what he's missing out on. Give her all the love, as chatty says they do work it out.

[lil123]

I've had similar with my ex husband.
I have 2 older daughters and a small son to him. My middle daughter has realised exactly what he is like but watching her go through the pain when he promised her things and didn't turn up etc to take her out was horrible.
He took me to court over our son to try get custody but now he is allowed to see him once a fortnight he doesn't seem that bothered.
My son is getting at the age where he is asking when he is going to come and stuff which is hard when he lets him down.
He keeps away so he doesn't have to pay any maintenance as well but I am going to the CSA as I haven't had a penny in weeks.
These men are not fathers. My dad was exactly the same and it has scared me for life.
My view of men is not very good at the moment

[yummymum]

My Dad was never around when i was a child, my Mum never said much about him and when I finally met him when i was 16 it didnt take me long to realize that i hadnt been missing much, when we first met up I thought he was the bee's knees, he would give me everything i wanted but i soon realized money was all he had to give and he was only giving it because he felt guilty and he thought he could buy my affections. I not have 2 children and they are his first Grand children, my boys are 4 and 18 months and have not seen him since my eldest was 3 months old, so he has not even seen my youngest. I have only spoken to him in the last few years when I have rang him. It doesnt bother me and more and Ive given up trying with him all I am trying to say is that your daughter will realise for herself what he is like, just let him dig his own grave. When u are finding it hard to be nice about him just try and remember that you are the one watching your child grow up, he is the fool thats missing out.Your life will always be better than his, when you think negative just try and remember that. x

[lil75]

I think thats what gets to us woman, the fact that they can so easily walk away and mess them about.....our children are very precious to us and we would die for them, do anything for them, and yet they treat them this way??? Also the precious memories that "they" could have shared and they just throw it away as if it were rubbish.....dont understand them

[Maypole]

Thanks for these answers, great stuff. When teh divorce is done (if ever lol) I hope he comes round like yours did truffle and lil youve encapsulated what I think about things. I am SHOCKED that men behave this way with children that theyre fully engaged with when they live with but cant do it for themselves when theyre living elsewhere. Good advice I can use yummy, I can feel benevolent when I think he is the one losing out most :o)

[pjm007]

As a sidenote, women behave badly towards thier children too sometimes.

Best of luck, I hope everything works out ok for the childs sake.

[JackDanielsU]

at 11 she will be aware of whats going on, and even if you didnt insult the father to her face, she will still grasp the sentiments. Let her work out how she feels, if the father is messing her around, she'll soon be feeling the same - but confused and a whole host of complex emotions that hopefully wont mess her up

My mother did her best to insult my father every step of the way, and used all the tricks, blackmail etc, changing visitaton days at the last second -- and then making out it was his fault. My father to his credit didnt insult her at all during the weekends we had. -- and I guess thats why I last spoke to my mother back in 1999.

Divorce is a terrible thing esp with children involved and esp around the age your daughter is - and thats what some parents dont understand - you may hate the ground your ex walks on - but you created life together, and both should do their best to limit the damage caused to the offspring ---- which of course can be v hard if one is a right sh1tbag.

Just be there for your daughter, a good DVD, a "girlie" night in etc to make her (and you) feel special if things get a bit fraught

[Naomicorlett]

My parents were divorced and every time my mother said something bad about Quote " your Father " unquote it really hurt . Atfer all I was half his and if he was rubbish where did that leave me ?

[mentality]

Thats a very interesting point made by the last reply.. maypole, i empathise hugely, I have gone thru so much similar. only tonite i was so upset and angry at the whole sorry situation.. just try not2 beat yourself up too much