Flatmate trouble...

[Lotus]

Hello all...
My flatmate has been with her boyfriend for almost 4 years. I've known both of them for about 6 years now (we all went to college together), and she is one of my closest friends. When we were at college, she was one of the most exciting, motivated and creative people I knew - she was into photography, fashion; she got into St Martens College, etc. We both moved about a good deal, and last September both came back to London and decided to share a flat. Ever since then, Ive been wondering what the hell happened to her -all her enthusiasm and energy have gone, all she does is see her boyfriend. I would not be worried so much if it wouldn't have been so drastic. For example, if he doesnt come over and cook for her, she won't eat. Every time I try to get her to go out and do something, she is either too tired or seeing the boyfriend and doesnt want to do anything else. She hasnt touched a camera for years now; she doesnt see her friends - even I hardly ever see her, and we live together!
The problem is, her boyfriend is unhappy about this, which resulted in numerous break-up. I've tried gently suggesting they spend a little less time together - or maybe just change the routine a bit, but she refuses to listen. I know I'm not the only one to feel she's grown to be overly dependant on him - but I whenever I try to tell her, she doesn't listen.
Recently, her boyfriend has talked to me -and he has said so many things that are not 'right' - like he doesnt like London and only stays because of her, he has no life because of her, and even suggested to me that he hasnt been faithful to her... I've resolved not to tell her this - but as it turns out, during their last argument, he brought me into it and told her I think theyre spending too much time together too.. Basically, now not only am I worried for her - I'm unhappy in my own house and its not a good feeling. So any suggestions would really be appreciated!

[Hgrove]

You may well have a point, In A Pickle, but the flatmate seems seriously depressed to me.

[Robinia]

I have to agree with Hgrove, your friend sounds very depressed.  Is she neglecting her appearance too? Could you make something nice to eat & get her to share it with you while you have a chat? Try not to make any comments on what you think she should do. Instead tell her that you are worried & unhappy because the sparky, enthusiastic friend that you once had seems unhappy too.  Be gentle if she gets snappy (hard I know) & just say that you're sorry if she doesn't feel like talking but you'll be there when she does. Until she admits her feelings there's nothing that you can force her to do.  It might also be a good idea to tell her boyfriend that, although you're worried, you really don't want to discuss her behind her back. That way you won't be dragged into their squabbles because if he leaves your friend might blame you.

Good luck, you sound like a good friend.

[Le Chat]

It sounds like she is being manipulated and controlled by the boyfriend but there isn't a damn thing you can do about it! In the fullness of time he/she will ditch the other one and she won't believe how she could've been as she is now.

Don't get too involved - the messenger always gets shot, as you have started to realise!

[Lotus]

In A Pickle, I am most definitely not in Love - or in love - or have any romantic feelings towards my flatmate :) We are both heterosexual girls, who have been friends for a while - sorry to disappoint :) I must admit thought, the suggestion made me smile and has definitely added some comic value to what was becoming a serious issue way too fast...

Robinia and Hgrove - I think you make a very good point, and believe me, I have tried doing all those things you suggest. She is very picky with her food (she used to have issues with eating, more commonly known as bulimia) - so even when I try to make something she likes, its very difficult to get her to eat... And whenever I try to say anything, she waves it off, saying 'it's nothing' and 'I'm just tired' and 'you're being unreasonable'...

Do you think it would be better off for me to just leave her be and let their relationship run its course? And hope that somehow, their issues will be resolved? Just be there for her if she needs some support?

[Robinia]

Oh dear Lotus your friend certainly has a lot of problems - does she have any family who could help?There doesn't seem to be much more that you can do that you haven't already tried, except, as you say, just be there. It's a shame that she doesn't seem to appreciate your help but maybe one day she'll see what a good friend you are.

 In A Pickle were you hoping for a romantic solution?!!  Never mind - not this time.  :-)

[Clare A]

I was very surprised at In A Pickle, thinking there was some Sapphic content to this thread - have you been at the vintage port again, Pickle?!

Hmmm - really difficult, as others have said, about this flatmate not recognising there's any problem. Is it possible she's fed up with the boyfriend but can't say, other than demonstrating a lack of interest in everything? Fears what life would be without what's familiar? It certainly sounds as though she's developed a dependence upon the boyfriend. She could be both dependent upon him and resentful of that position he occupies in her life. Your mate will not confront what is obvious to everyone else before she's ready to.