Helping my Cocaine Boyfriend

[gateaux coco]

My partner has been using cocaine or a decade. He is 30. He usually uses when he has paid for everything at the end of the month, and blows the remainder on coke. I moved in with him five months ago and we've been together a year, but only now I can see the real situation. He wants to give up and wants to make a real go of our future. What is the best treatment, if any, that you can recommend? I know much is to do with habit and psychology for him; apart from that he is a good person and makes me happy...but cocaine is devastating us...help!

[radiogaga]

drugs counselling, via his gp who will refer him to a group such as narcotics anon.
same set up as alanon, he could just skip the religious bit if it dosent suit him. good luck.x

[Panic Button]

Leave him and get a clean boyfriend.
If he uses drugs he'll always be trouble.

[Loosehead]

Good advice from radiogaga, unfortunately it's very difficult to get out of the habit. Very few manage it so it would seem that it is also good advice from panic button! On balance I'd go with PB, it's extremely unlikely that he'll get him self clean, so get rid before you get in too deep. You could try the "coke or me" ultimatum but drug addicts place their habit above all else. Tell you what let him read this, hopefully he'll get angry enough to do something.

[olly8080]

GET RID OF HIM ASAP once a coke head always a coke head

[jno]

what is the situation exactly? He seems quite well organised if he pays his bills first - many don't. Is it that he has no money left? Or that you feel abandoned when he's devoting his time to drugs? I'd say if you like him stick with him while you try out the options as radiogaga suggests; threatening to leave him may just unnerve him and make it harder to give up. Leave that as a last resort.

[someonesgirl]

How does he feel about it? Does he want to change? Thats the only question worth asking yourself. I am a substance misuse counsellor and in my experience people can and do change their lives although they have to be in a contemplative frame of mind in order to make those changes. Try reading the FRANK website. You could try looking for drug intervention programmes in your area?narcotics anonymous are really just a support group and dont have a very good reputation. They also come with such a label that most pre-contemplative clients wouldnt consider them. Cognitive behavioural therapy could help, although, as i said, it really boils down to what he really wants to get out of it........

[gateaux coco]

Thanks for all your answers. Perhaps I should clarify...he wants to change. I am the first person he has had a meaningful relationship with, he wants to settle down with me and we want children together. I have explained that drugs will not be a part of my life. He pays all his bills, rent etc as soon as he gets paid, the problem seems to be when he has money left in his account, the 'thoughts' come along. And majority of the time, he blows it all on coke. He is tired of doing it, I already walked out on him before, and he made me see exactly what its doing to him, and he wants help, but wants me by his side. His father passed away in April which was tough (he had heart problems) and he has been a bit worse since then. Someone's Girl, what would you recommend in terms of treatment? I have decided I am going to give him a chance, he is a very good person, he looks after me, he keeps the house very clean, he is funny, happy-go-lucky and works very hard, he even earns more money than me. On the downside, he has very bad credit history and the coke is in his system. I have suggested we go to Cocaine Anonymous meetings which he wants to...anyone know if thats any good? Basically, I am giving him a chance to show me, if it emanates that he isnt trying, I will have to leave. The only reason I am still there is because aside from the drug, he is a thoroughly decent man...

[jno]

could he hand his pay over to you? You put it into an account under your own name and give him pocket money? Tough, I know, but if he seriously wants to change it might work.

[gateaux coco]

jno...we have tried that, he does it with good intention...he has even changed his card and pin and not even looked at the pin, given it straight to me, so he cannot access his money. He has tried numerous methods, even me going back to my parents for a couple of nights with his money, to see if the thoughst pass, but they dont! arrghhh....I will explain more about hwat we have tried...it will make more sense then...I will write more tomorrow...he is a good person, I just wish we could find somthing that will help...I know he will lapse but I really believe that over time, he will manage...he used to never even pay rent, he used to steal, even from his own family, he has turned himself around a lot in the last few years, that's what a lot of people don't understand...thats why I am asking if anyone knows what would be best to do next....will wirte again!!! Thansk for your help!

[thaprophet51]

why you hatin....if he is payin all his bills it sounds like he got his problems under control.....but if he really wants to quit tell him weed is better

[someonesgirl]

i would suggest cognitive behavioural therapy or drugs counselling. This could help him to understand why he uses drugs, his triggers and how better to manage them. During this kind of therapy he is able to have help to work out his own action plans and explore his issues in more depth to find positive solutions. He could start by keeping a "user diary" to keep track of when he uses so that he can try to identify triggers, possible reasons and unhelpful thought patterns that may be adding to his problems. It is brilliant that you a willing to support him as best you can but i would suggest that he undertakes this type of therapy on his own and lets you know other ways that you could help him as often people dont open up as much if they have family/partners with them which could hinder their progress. GOOD LUCK! It wont be easy but it does work! x

[gateaux coco]

Thanks somone's girl...I guess those are worth trying...today I came home to find him with �40 worth which he hs taken on credit...he knew he what he is doing to me and us and he told me to take his mobile phone...he said the dealer called him...so clearly a big problem is that he cannot say no. He often acknowledges this...that if only he said no...the other day he wanted me to stay with him whilst he finished off a little bit that he had...usually I mkae a run for it...I cant stand to be around it and I don't want that done in my home...I have made it clear that if we have a future, the coke has to go, otherwise we are over...he knows this is no joke, hence he is desperate to get help, but it seems like he's stuck in jelly...he's trying to climb out but keps slipping back in.The drug is destroying us and a chance of a good future...I am very responsible, I spend wisely and all I ever wanted was to settle down, have a nice cosy home, and enjoy life. I know I can have that with him if he stops the drugs. He has so much potential, he is one of those people that everyone loves to be around coz he's so bubbly, but no one knows what he does behind our door...I am being realistic, I know it would be no easy feat, and that there would probably be many many lapses before he got anywhere near kicking it out of his life, but he has managed before to go months without, he went to our parents country for four months, and when back in UK he was clean for about six months so almost a year altogether (before he met me)...so it feels like ther eis light at the end of the tunnel, or am I just wishing on something that wont happen? There must be people who ahve managed to overcome it and regain their lives?

[someonesgirl]

Of course its possible! And the fact that hes managed it before is a very good basis for permenant change. Relapse is part of the proccess of change and it actually helps you to recognise the "whys" and "whats".

He will need you to be strong with him, but dont baby him as he needs to know he's got to rely on HIMSELF for this one and that will be more rewarding in the long run.

Let me know how you go lady!

x

[gateaux coco]

Just an update...we went to see Turning Point and they were very supportive, the key worker was actually very down to earth which helped, using street language so-to-speak. My partner actually felt at ease and was able to discuss the issues relevant to him, first on his own with her, then afterwards I came in.

She encouraged him to attend a support group, which he willingly went along to today only to find it was cancelled as staff were off sick! Just when he gets there he finds out! So anyway, hopefully he will attend the one to one sessions with her, she said he probably has deep rooted issues, and I think from his dad passing away, having watched him suffer for so long, it didnt help...

I am not making excuses, I just know there's more to it than just using for the hell of it.

I will also attend the family support group and hopefully he will attend with me, which are run by Cocaine Anonymous...

Will keep you updated and thansk for your support 'someones girl' :-)

[someonesgirl]

thats good news! Turning point are very good too!! They also help with training and work for people recovering from dependancies so that they dont get discriminated against and they can be a source of funding. Sounds like hes got a lot to work through, but at least he's taken that first step. He's very lucky to have you : )

[jimmy654]

http://www.myaddiction.com/categories/cocaine_ treatment.html