aggresive 4 yr old

[willow74]

i looked after my 4 yr old nephew on sunday.  he is a handful to say the least and very aggresive..his mum puts this down to sibling fighting which i do agree with somewhat.  However after i returned him home he played up infront of his parents.  i was just sitting there and he came flying up and punched me in the face with all his strength. 

His mother said 'dont you dare' but then left him to carry on playing.  i was firm and said 'that was naughty, say sorry'. but he just growled at me. lovely !   

i dont want it to get to the stage that i dont wanna take him out but how can i prevent him from keep hitting out.  The parents wont do anything apart from say softly 'stop it'

[woofgang]

Does he go to nursery school or a childminder and what is he like there? I don't think that you can do anything. His parents are the ones who have him for most of the time and anything that you do will most likely be negated by their behaviour. My best suggestion (but you may not want to do this) would be to sit down with the parents and tell them how you feel.

[willow74]

He does go to nursery and they keep telling his parents that he is very bullyish to the other kids.  They have their hands full with the other 2 kids so its gone on so long with him being wild.  i have him every weekend to help so i need to get a grip on the discipline when he is with me. 

i have told them but they just shrug their shoulders and say he is impossible at the moment !! 

[andy hughes]

This issue occurs frerquently on the AB, and I am always keen to put my 10p in so -

Children need, want, and respond to rules and boundaries, which are clearly not in place in your nephew's home, but that's no reason why they shouldn't be in yours.

When your nephew comes to stay, he will try some of ther anti-social behaviour he uses at home - because all children will try and push the bondaries from time to time, the problems occur when there are no boundaries, just pushing!

Sit him down and calmly and firmly tell him that (insert behaviour here) is not kind, and you don't want him to do it again. If he does, you will (insert sanction here - less of TV, loss of treats, sent to room etc.).

He will try it again, just to see if you mean it, so make sure you do! Never threaten any punishment you won't carry out - make sure your punishments are on a sliding scale, and stick to them without excception, always explaining that it is his behaviour that has made this happen, and remind him, that if he is nice, you will be nice, if he is nasty, you will be nastier.

It won't take long for behaviour to improve, in which case you heap on the praise, tell him what a good boy he is, how much you like having him with you, and so on.

He may continue to behave like a monstor at home, but for you he will be as good as gold. Discipline is difficult, and painful, for the adult not the child, but it has to be instilled and enforced, because not to do so causes a lot more difficulty and pain for all concerned.

Good luck.

[Marvin84]

sorry for the potential upset here.... but this is one case where a spanking seems to be in order (nothing over the top of course, just enough for him to realise "hey, this hurts!!"). He doesn't seem to respond to anything else at the moment....??!!

Again - no offence intended, just my opinion....

[andy hughes]

Nope, can't agre marvin - physical chastisement by anyone other than a parent is illegal, and in this instance, will do more harm than good.

The only reason why Nephew hasn't listened to anything else is because he hasn't needed to! If, as I suggest, bad behaviour impacts on him directly by means of ascending sanctions, he will start to adjust his behaviour.

An already disruptive child who is suddenly on the receiving end of physical punishment is not going to improve his behaviour.

[natalie_1982]

My neice was 4 on Saturday and is absolutely adorable when with me and my partner, but with her mother is the most wild, emabarrassing (she knows more swearwords than me), naughty, aggressive, grizzly child you could ever care to meet.

Ever since she was a baby though I didn't let her get away with it, when her mother thought it was funny that one of her first words was f*ck I told her I didn't want to hear it.  And from a kid that is a monster at home, when she stays with me she is an absolute angel.

Anyway, apart from telling her I don't like those words, etc. I ignore her.  She hates it that she doesn't get a reaction, if she stands in front of the TV I pick up a book, if she grizzles I start washing up, etc. 

But the most helpful thing I found was getting her involved, she loves helping me dusting, hanging the washing out, drying up (obviously not for real - I don't look after her just so I have someone to do the housework!), pairing socks, making sandwiches, etc.

Good luck!

[natalie_1982]

I just realized that that sounds really bad about me ignoring her when she grizzles - I mean if it's grizzling because she can't have her sweets before tea or something - not because she's being neglected!

[Top totty]

Natalie-1982  What a brilliant person you sound and a huge pat on the back for talking so much sense. I hope you intend to have your own children one day as you sure are going down the right road already with your Neice. Just a shame her Mum can't be as good and strong as you are.

 

I really believe that including children and making them feel valued and important makes for happy children. Ignoring the bad and praising the good has always worked for me and I have 3 children who are on the whole well behaved and easy to take out. I often feel like a smack would be the quick and easy answer but a long time ago I realised that it just made an angry parent feel better but a child feel even worse.

 

I praise a lot and am firm but they know when I mean business and I have never had to smack my youngest 2, I did smack my oldest but looking back it got us nowhere and the way I deal with things now works really well for everyone. Its hard work getting the parenting right but well worth it to end up with nice children.

[Marvin84]

andy.... how about smacking the parents?? Can we agree on that? LOL.... Sorry Willow, I am not being mean... I am just putting myself in your place and I know that I would feel quite frustrated with the parents more than your nephew..... maybe some of Natalie's suggestions may be a better solution!! Good one Nat!!

Hope it all goes Great!! :-)

[Andy008]

This reminds me of a six-year old I knew a few years ago. I was working as a chef in the pub owned by his grandmother, and her daughter and her son (the one I mean) lived with her. They were to all observers a pleasant, middle class family. However her son used to regularly kick the two pub cats, swear, fight, and generally **** people off. He had I believe no real father figure in his life, and his mother had suffered on and off for years with clinical depression, which my own mother did also, albeit not until I was about 17 and able to maturely deal with it. I would recommend, however difficult it may be, that you confront his parents perhaps using shock tactics. Although in the short term this might be difficult, he is only four and has plenty of time. In the case of the lad I refer, I have a horrible feeling he will/has grown up with no friends, and the terrifically sad thing about the situation is that is quite simply wasn't his fault.

[edenne]

i agree with some of the comments above, particularly about children and boundaries. I have a 7yr old daughter and have never physically reprimanded her as there are better ways to teach right from wrong. however, from the childs point of view, as he grows older your opinion could possibly hold less relevance over him as that old chestnut of "you ain't my mum" will more than likely come into effect...the sad thing is that as he get older "hitting out" will land him in more trouble but he will fail to understand what he is doing is wrong as he isn't learning now...

Undoubtedly children do require boundaries in order to learn what is deemed "acceptable behaviour."  As prime carers, the responsibility lies penultimately with the parents and so rather then preventing your nephew from hitting out, I would suggest initially testing the waters with a discussion with them about this, as they are the ones who will hold most influence over your nephew during his formative years. If this doesn't work, then the sad fact of the matter is you alone will not be able to change his behaviour.

On the other hand, this could be a phase he's going through...

[Maggie-Mae]

Hi - I think that this child needs to be taught that there a consequences to his actions. His parents as telling him "no" but not re-enforcing it when he disobeys them and hits out anyway.  Suggest "time out" where he is put either in his room or made to sit on the stairs or a chair for a period of time (health visitors suggest a minute for each year of the child life eg. 4 years = 4 minutes).  I do not agree with the person who suggested smacking.  You cannot show a child that hitting someone is wrong by smacking them.

[shirley1]

Firstly, I am no expert and I dont have children but I am a teacher and currently I teach two young brothers, the eldest being extremely violent.  Similiar to your situation the mother is very very soft, adding to the situation they are all customers!  However, what I wanted to say was that you must tell the child when he does something wrong and do it consistently.  Thats the only way he will learn.  When he hits out stop the force by grabbing hold of his arm and say no forcefully but softly!  When he arrives offer him a treat if he is good (not in front of the mother though)- not food either - an activity or trip out to the park/ watching a video.  If he is really bad deny it to him.  Sounds evil but he has to learn.  He may have a chemical imbalance due to the wrong diet or be hyperactive.  These two students of mine spit also...nice!!!  Good luck!

[david.n.c]

MARVIE84 is topman. i was spanked (commonly refered to hitting but there is a difference) spanking takes place on the butt or leg mabye. anyway i was spanked when i was younger and i turned out grand! im 18 by the way. spanking draws a link in a childs mind. this is wrong...if i do it my mum/dad will spank me....it will hurt....dont do it. its that simply. this kid sounds like he reckons he is running the show..he needs to shown otherwise. its like this super nanny programme none of those kids have been spanked and the parents are near breakdown. because their too blind and sorry but stupid to show their children right from wrong. when this kid grows up if he continues to mis behave he will get into fights and get beat-up which is merely a grown up version of spanking when doing wrong. i would also suggest looking at what this kid is eatting. high sugars etc and junk will make him act up...fact. i know i feel rotten and snap if i eat fast food for lunch at work too often, e.g 2 days in a row. hope this helps.

[david.n.c]

flip it! what an idea. its wrong but would so so work i would try it in your shoes. i mean he punched yyou in the face full pelt. you a grown adult. show him whos boss! flip it i like your style