x mas jokes

[steg]

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
he had low elf esteem.

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
It was wound up already.

[carrust]

Why doesn't santa have any children?

He only comes once a year, & that's down a chimney.

[Lakitu]

12 Days of Christmas
December 14
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,


Agnes
December 15
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,


Agnes
December 16
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,

Agnes

December 17
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,

Agnes

December 18
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,

Agnes

December 19
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,

Agnes

December 20
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a

[Lakitu]

and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,

Agnes

December 21
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows.
There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes

December 22
Hey ********:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !

Agnes

December 23
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those ***** ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of ****. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes

December 24
Listen ********:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

[Lakitu]

December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,

Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

[Lakitu]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

I'm going through my old emails LOL

[Drisgirl]

Hey mister -was that last one direct at me -not that im paranoid or anything-lmfao .

Maybe see ya up the road at at New Year?

Have a good one anyway -yee haa xxxxxxxx

[pinkkitty]

How does Good King Wenceslas Like his Pizza?
Deep Pan, Crisp and Even

What do you call a group of chess enthuiasts who gather together to talk about how great they are at chess in the lobby of an hotel?
Chess Nuts Boasting In An Open Foyer.