stepchild on the horizon

[shellpurse]

I have been living with my boyfriend for two years now.  He is in the military.  When he joined the military, he left his hometown, a 12 hour car trip away.  He also left his 3 year old daughter.  We are both very in love and we want to get married when he gets out of the military, in a year.  He wants to move to his hometown to be near his daughter.  I want to go with him because I see that his child means so much to him.  I come from a very close family.  My parents always have stuck together.  I know little about step families.  I have seen very few good role model step families.  My question is, how do I take in his daughter?  How do I form a relationship?  How do I make our home comfortable for her?  Should I involve her mother into our family circle?  Is it important for the child to see her two parents together and getting along?  I just don't want to make the child feel torn between two separate lives.  How can I make this transition?

[Beth1989]

My parents are separated and don't get on at all - which really upsets me. I think maybe the best thing you can do right now is involve her mother... only if everyone feels comfortable about it! I would love for my parents to be on good terms.

[shellpurse]

Thanks for the advice.  I will try to make this work the best I can, I just hope we can all get along.  I am going to his home with him on Thursday.  I'm trying to arrange a dinner so that we can all get to know each other a bit. 

[purplefish]

I just wanted to say good for you making an effort! It's all too easy for step-parents or parents partners to not make an effort and the children grow up hating them. I hope it all goes well for you, Good Luck! :o)

[willow74]

You are senstive to your partner, his child and his ex so i think you will be fine.  You are being very selfless and so you will have no problem fitting in and ensuring the child fits in too.

Just be yourself and not too overbearing at the start.

[Kilala]

If you have any trouble with your new and extended family, show them the message you posted.  They will be touched, your concern and obvious wish to do what is right is clear and very touching.

[shellpurse]

Thursday is just around the corner.  My boyfriend doesn't completely understand why I'm so nervous about the dinner.  I hope everything goes well.  Wish me luck!

[Kilala]

Good luck tomorrow noght, Shellpurse- thinking of you!

[Kilala]

Well? How did it go?

[shellpurse]

The dinner went well.  The child's mom and her current live-in boyfriend and my boyfriend (Joe) and I were all there with Joe's daughter.  Joe and I were very very pleased with the results.  He said that when we move back there, after he's out of the service, he'd like to try to do the 'get-together' once a week if possible.  I agreed.  His daughter was loving all of the attention.  The child's mom seems to be warming up to me.  I'm sure my intentions are clear.  Joe also got to really meet the mother's current live-in boyfriend.  He was relieved to get a chance to get to know him too.  I think Joe was pretty nervous about the whole thing too.  Joe actually showed this advice column to his own mother.  She seemed very pleased with my attempts.  I'm not worried anymore.  I think everything will be ok.  The most important sign of success so far is that the child adores me. 

[Kilala]

Oh well done, honey! Just keep it up.  Take care.