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Distressed daughter!
Can someone please offer some advice on how to calm my 4yr old down? My hubby and me are going through a terrible time at the moment due to him been unemployed for nearly 4 months now. We are very stressed, upset and snappy and have unfortunately sometimes been snappy with her.
I have explained the best I can to her and said sorry for the times we have been snappy but she has now become really clingy and upset over the slightest things. I feel so guilty now and its making a bad situation worse.
She has been learning about emergency services at school and is screaming and crying saying how worried she is that the house will burn down and we are going to die! There is no calming her and bedtimes especially have become a nightmare. She clings to me and says she doesn't want to leave me even though I'm only going downstairs. Every night recently I've had to leave her in tears. Do you have any ideas on how to help her and stop her worrying?
I have explained the best I can to her and said sorry for the times we have been snappy but she has now become really clingy and upset over the slightest things. I feel so guilty now and its making a bad situation worse.
She has been learning about emergency services at school and is screaming and crying saying how worried she is that the house will burn down and we are going to die! There is no calming her and bedtimes especially have become a nightmare. She clings to me and says she doesn't want to leave me even though I'm only going downstairs. Every night recently I've had to leave her in tears. Do you have any ideas on how to help her and stop her worrying?
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She is scared. Her little world is tumbling around her and she can't understand it at all. Her mummy and daddy, the most important people in her life are always angry, at each other and at her.
So, to correct the situation and abolish the fear is your main objective. Self control, no more stress and bickering, it isn't going to solve any problems in any case, and lots of quiet reassurance. You will have to be very, very patient, and tell her the same things over and over again until she really feels they are second nature. You need to get out of the house (as a family) as often as you can, it needn't cost any money, just go for a walk or go to the park and play with her on the swings.
Be gentle with her, she needs you so much at the moment, she is only just past being a baby and the world is big and frightening. I don't think it is a good thing to leave her crying, I would tend to stay with her until she settles, just gentling her into sleep. Once she feels more secure you can leave her awake with a book or a toy, but for now I think you will have to just be patient and sit quietly with her.
So, to correct the situation and abolish the fear is your main objective. Self control, no more stress and bickering, it isn't going to solve any problems in any case, and lots of quiet reassurance. You will have to be very, very patient, and tell her the same things over and over again until she really feels they are second nature. You need to get out of the house (as a family) as often as you can, it needn't cost any money, just go for a walk or go to the park and play with her on the swings.
Be gentle with her, she needs you so much at the moment, she is only just past being a baby and the world is big and frightening. I don't think it is a good thing to leave her crying, I would tend to stay with her until she settles, just gentling her into sleep. Once she feels more secure you can leave her awake with a book or a toy, but for now I think you will have to just be patient and sit quietly with her.
You and your husband are the adults here - if you can't get a grip how do you expect a four year old to? You have my sympathy but lots of people are going through hard times and compared with some you are well off -we live in a country with a welfare state so you are never going to starve - imagine if you didn't have that - count your blessing, you have a house, a husband and a lovely little girl -that sounds good to me.
I sympathise with your situationand would not dream of criticising you or judging you. I think that by posting your question you already know exactly what you need to do. It's not to late to correct this situation with your little girl but it may take some time to repair.
Your little girl is reacting to her environment the only way she knows how as it is too complicated for her to verbalise...so stop the bickering, arguing and tension. Make your home a safe and relaxed haven for all of you. Stand united or you will fall apart. Speak quietly with your husband and make an agreement that there will be no more negative behaviours in your home at all.
If either of you are stressed at any point then you need to leave the room or the house and go and get some air.
My childhood was ruined by the rows and arguments of my parents and it is very damaging indeed. It is emotionally damaging and those are scars that no-one else will notice but they affect your everyday existence.
Please take control of your situation and make sure that your daughter is your number 1 prority. In fact your daughter needs to see that you still love and care for one another as well as for her and she needs to be able to depend upon that 100% of the time. Repeatedly saying sorry will mean nothing if she learns that it will keep on happpening so apologise one last time and make suer she witnesses nothing but positive behaviour between the 2 of you. Things may get worse before they get better due to the current state of the economy but at least you still have each other and there will be countless people much worse off than you.
If your little girl feels so desperately insecure try not to leave her crying when she is finding it so difficult to cope. Make sure you pile on the love without spoiling her and reassure her without going OT.
So! Chin up my girl and stay as strong as can be for the most important person in your life. I hope that things improve for you
Your little girl is reacting to her environment the only way she knows how as it is too complicated for her to verbalise...so stop the bickering, arguing and tension. Make your home a safe and relaxed haven for all of you. Stand united or you will fall apart. Speak quietly with your husband and make an agreement that there will be no more negative behaviours in your home at all.
If either of you are stressed at any point then you need to leave the room or the house and go and get some air.
My childhood was ruined by the rows and arguments of my parents and it is very damaging indeed. It is emotionally damaging and those are scars that no-one else will notice but they affect your everyday existence.
Please take control of your situation and make sure that your daughter is your number 1 prority. In fact your daughter needs to see that you still love and care for one another as well as for her and she needs to be able to depend upon that 100% of the time. Repeatedly saying sorry will mean nothing if she learns that it will keep on happpening so apologise one last time and make suer she witnesses nothing but positive behaviour between the 2 of you. Things may get worse before they get better due to the current state of the economy but at least you still have each other and there will be countless people much worse off than you.
If your little girl feels so desperately insecure try not to leave her crying when she is finding it so difficult to cope. Make sure you pile on the love without spoiling her and reassure her without going OT.
So! Chin up my girl and stay as strong as can be for the most important person in your life. I hope that things improve for you
Thank you so much for the lovely answers.
carmalee you have no idea what you are talking about. A welfare state? Don't make me laugh! We aren't getting any benefits, I've been told I earn too much money and hubby hasn't paid enough NI class 1 to qualify.
For the record I earn �100 a week and both myself and my hubby have worked all our lives. Thats the problem with this country, british people who genuinely need help don't get it. If we'd have been polish we'd have got everything.
If you can't offer any constructive advice then f*ck off because I am not in the mood for t*ssers like you criticising me.
carmalee you have no idea what you are talking about. A welfare state? Don't make me laugh! We aren't getting any benefits, I've been told I earn too much money and hubby hasn't paid enough NI class 1 to qualify.
For the record I earn �100 a week and both myself and my hubby have worked all our lives. Thats the problem with this country, british people who genuinely need help don't get it. If we'd have been polish we'd have got everything.
If you can't offer any constructive advice then f*ck off because I am not in the mood for t*ssers like you criticising me.
Hi Tigwig sorry to hear things are tough for you! I agree with the good adice given here - esp Angiebaby. You need to stop, breathe and introduce some calm quietness to your home to let your girl feel safe and re-assured again.
If you find other comments less helpful - dont let them wind you up... its calming down you need to concentrate on - let others think what they want, as it doesnt matter anyway!
Why not start today - and both of you go to pick your little girl up from school and go to the park.... and play together. You both need to build back those bridges with her again.
Start today! good luck!
If you find other comments less helpful - dont let them wind you up... its calming down you need to concentrate on - let others think what they want, as it doesnt matter anyway!
Why not start today - and both of you go to pick your little girl up from school and go to the park.... and play together. You both need to build back those bridges with her again.
Start today! good luck!
Extremely harsh reply directed at carmalee there tigwig, not necessary at all to be honest. If you're like this at a stranger who has said, quite correctly, that despite what you have said you will never ever get to the starvation stage due to our walfare system, then it's hardly surpising that your child is as she is at home. Sure times can get extremely tough, but they'll be just that- tough.
Before you scream abuse at me too... I genuinely do sympathise with your situation and I hope it improves for your family, and soon.
Before you scream abuse at me too... I genuinely do sympathise with your situation and I hope it improves for your family, and soon.
When I read what puddicat and DaisyMae said to you, I wanted to give you a hug tigwig. I agree with them wholeheartedly. Your little girl's terrified of what she's hearing and she's feeling scared and unloved.
The way that you and your husband are reacting to your situation is very understandable, but money or no money, your child comes first. This kind of trauma can affect a child for years, into adulthood. Try going out for walks with your husband - and go alone if necessary, to clear your head. The CAB and the National Debt Line can help with financial solutions, and perhaps if your husband could find a temporary low-paid job to help with his self esteem and costs, then the added income may entitle you to certain benefits as well. Please hug and reassure your daughter, and both take some time out to laugh and to play with her. Best of luck. x
The way that you and your husband are reacting to your situation is very understandable, but money or no money, your child comes first. This kind of trauma can affect a child for years, into adulthood. Try going out for walks with your husband - and go alone if necessary, to clear your head. The CAB and the National Debt Line can help with financial solutions, and perhaps if your husband could find a temporary low-paid job to help with his self esteem and costs, then the added income may entitle you to certain benefits as well. Please hug and reassure your daughter, and both take some time out to laugh and to play with her. Best of luck. x
Thank you again for some lovely answers.
carmalee I'm sorry I was so abusive yesterday! I am normally a nice person, it was just annoying reading your answer because I took it that you were saying the state was helping us! That is a very touchy subject as we are not entitled to help which I think is very wrong.
Anyway, things have calmed down alot since, the day I wrote the thread was a horrible day and I was at my wits end! Hubby had been severly miserable and snappy to me all day and I was trying so hard to keep a brave face and deal with our daughter who ended up screaming the place down when she was put to bed! She is fine now, did try it on last night a bit but wasn't genuinely upset. We are really making the effort to stop being miserable as hard as it is and will pretend that life is rosy!!
Thanks again to everyone and I hope you will accept my apology carmalee. It makes me cringe when I read how I replied to you. Sorry.
carmalee I'm sorry I was so abusive yesterday! I am normally a nice person, it was just annoying reading your answer because I took it that you were saying the state was helping us! That is a very touchy subject as we are not entitled to help which I think is very wrong.
Anyway, things have calmed down alot since, the day I wrote the thread was a horrible day and I was at my wits end! Hubby had been severly miserable and snappy to me all day and I was trying so hard to keep a brave face and deal with our daughter who ended up screaming the place down when she was put to bed! She is fine now, did try it on last night a bit but wasn't genuinely upset. We are really making the effort to stop being miserable as hard as it is and will pretend that life is rosy!!
Thanks again to everyone and I hope you will accept my apology carmalee. It makes me cringe when I read how I replied to you. Sorry.
tigwig you really don't have to 'pretend' that life is rosy, it really can be even when trouble seems to dog our footsteps. One of the greatest joys in life is to share time with a happy child, so make the child happy and you will find that she will bring sunshine into the gloom and even if it is just for a few minutes each day, you will be able to forget your problems and share her delight in something newly discovered.
I suppose it's the old adage about a pessimist having a glass half empty and an optimist having one half full. Once you allow yourself to sink into gloom it is very hard to see anything pleasant in life. Life can be a struggle, but it can also be very rewarding.
I don't mean to sound preachy but I have been in a similar situation as you now find yourself in and I know how tough it is. Now that I'm older I realise what is really important and what is merely sugar coating. Stay positive, your man needs a partner to help him through the bleak dark times, and stay loving, that too will help you both. Most important give that little girl all the love and security you can muster, she will reward you 110%. Good luck!
I suppose it's the old adage about a pessimist having a glass half empty and an optimist having one half full. Once you allow yourself to sink into gloom it is very hard to see anything pleasant in life. Life can be a struggle, but it can also be very rewarding.
I don't mean to sound preachy but I have been in a similar situation as you now find yourself in and I know how tough it is. Now that I'm older I realise what is really important and what is merely sugar coating. Stay positive, your man needs a partner to help him through the bleak dark times, and stay loving, that too will help you both. Most important give that little girl all the love and security you can muster, she will reward you 110%. Good luck!
I don't think you should've been apologising to carmalee - it shoulda been him/her offering the apology - the site is called 'answerbank' - people ask questions and hope for answers, not criticism and whether carmalee agrees or not - the tone of it WAS criticising, even if some of what was said was correct, there's a way to put things across....
Hi, thanks for your concern! Hubby still has no job but we are being more positive and thankfully our daughter is alot better. She still has her moments obviously but has not been as clingy as she was.
I have just registered as a childminder so hopefully I can earn some extra money soon. We are feeling alot more positive (well most days anyway).
Thank you again.
I have just registered as a childminder so hopefully I can earn some extra money soon. We are feeling alot more positive (well most days anyway).
Thank you again.
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