Shih poem

[Bubble]

I am trying to write an eight line Chinese shih poem.  It must have the same number of words per line, rhyme at the end of even numbered lines, and it needs to have parallelism.  I wrote one, but it just doesn't seem to sound right to me, I don't know if the ryhtm is wrong or the wording is wrong, but i was just wondering if anyone had any suggestion. Thanx.  This is what i wrote...

The sun is the world's crucial companion

The keeper of energy, creation and vitality

Whose magic rays possess a healing touch

Nusing plant's lives after harsh winter reality

Whose brilliant glow has a magnetic charm

Making oceans and forests mystical and enchanted

The provider of warmth, comfort, and hope

This golden ball we take for granted

[tartwitahart]

i think thats really good and you should stick with it

[susanickllin]

That's a beautiful poem.