Would really appreciate some advice.

[spiff]

I live with a woman,I just don't find her sexually attractive. Have'nt had sex for 3 monthsnow. Don't get me wrong;We get on and that,It's just that she's too big (20 stone). I KNOW it should'nt matter,but it does. What in God's name should i do? I know this makes me sound like a complete git,but i can hardly say 'loose a bit of weight' can I? Or can i? I'm no Tom Cruise,but I do look after myself.

[Tinker]

Hmmmm.... tough one. Have you thought about suggesting something you could both do to burn some calories together? You could join a gym together and then she'd feel like she had some support from you for her to lose weight. Assuming to WANTS to lose weight that is.....You could try intoroducing a healthier diet into your lifestyles and now that the evenings are nice and warm, maybe going for walks might help with the losing weight bit. As for actually telling her what you wrote here, I wouldn't do it. Honesty is not always the best policy. How about you casually suggest that you're feeling a bit unfit and would she mind coming down the gym with you.......her response might be a clue to how she feels about her own self image. Be careful how you say it though! Good Luck!

[Tinker]

I was supposed to say "Assuming she wants to lose weight that is".

[vittoria]

I agree that honesty is not the best policy here. Tinker's reply seems very sensible.

[Janetex]

I suspect that it is not the weight, but that there is no real love in the relationship. Perhaps it is time to evaluate your true feelings and make a decision.

[Tat]

it depends... how long have you been together? and was she always so fat? i know lots of people won't my views on this but here goes... personally i think it is totally reasonable to feel this way if she was slimmer when you got together. physical attraction is important in most relationships (i know it is for me as it's usually the difference between friends and lovers) and if it matters to you i feel really strongly that you shouldn't feel bad about it. you may still care for/love her but just not in the same way, or it may be the final straw in a whole bunch of things. either way it is a sensitive issue which has to be treated carefully - she probably wants to loose weight (and should for her health). suggest going on a health kick together? good luck mate

[PaulB]

Hey Spiff
How long you guys been together?

[Casey]

I can't believe what I'm reading! My boyfriend had EXACTLY the same problem with his ex girlfriend. They were together for 3 years and after a year or so he said she just piled on weight and got to about 20 stone, and he could not bring himself to have sex with her anymore. He suggested for them both to start going to the gym together, or to do more active things, but she refused and she wouldn't be told. After a while they did split up (not due to the weight but they just grew apart). I think you should just be completely honest with her, let her know you're worried about her and make some suggestions. You will then know if shes' bothered about looking after herself and making some changes. If not then it's up to you to decide if you want to call it quits. The most important thing is don't stay with her just because you have got in to a routine that you are comfortable with. Only stick by her if you truly love her, not because you feel sorry for her or feel like you have to.

[Miss Zippy]

Firstly, I don't think you sound like a git at all. From how you describe your relationship though, it doesn't sound like you're really in love with this person - you say "I live with this woman" and "we get on", which aren't words most people would use when talking about someone they love. Sorry if I'm wrong. But if you don't truly love this person anymore (or perhaps never did), then don't stay with her out of guilt. If you do end the relationship, I don't see why you need mention her weight as being an issue. I think you've fallen out of love with this person and perhaps her putting on weight is just highlighting this fact for you?

[tartanwiz]

You are not a git, and honesty IS the best policy, as long as it's said in the right way. First, though, do you love her? I mean, can you imagine life without her? Do you really want to say goodbye? Or do you merely pity her? You must be clear in your own mind and get your life and future sorted out. Suggest 'interesting' sex to her, such as role-playing and fetishes, that can be fun. But if she won't indulge, then say to her (not in a bitter way but in a hurt, disappointed tone) 'Well, to be honest I don't find our lovemaking very exciting any more' or even 'I find myself less attracted to you'. Maybe then she'll do something about it. Good luck.

[Greedyfly]

When you say live with a woman - is she a girlfriend or a flatmate - cos she sounds like a flat mate and there for why would you be contimplayting sleeping with her?

[Morrisonker]

Spiff - If you don't want to say 'loose a bit of weight' then don't. I know you might mean well, but she is *not* going to take kindly to that. Tinker has the right idea, be subtle about it. Chances are she'll know exactly what you're trying to do, but she will notice that you're being nice about it, and hopefully she'll appreciate it. If you've fallen out of love with her then I really don't think her losing weight is going to help. Whatever you fell in love with has obviously disappeared, and it isn't going to spring back if she loses a few stone. You're not being a git, you can't help how you feel, but don't fool yourself into thinking that her weight is all thats bothering you.

[spiff]

Well spiff, I'm the fat, now ex girlfriend your talking about.  You must have been really drunk the nite we met coz ive always been fat. (Nowhere near 20 stone by the way.) Perhaps it was the free accommodation,food,t.v,tobacco , beer and money that you were in love with and of course it had nothing to do with the fact that you were living in a pokey bedsit on your own with no money or any of the above. well tough tits thats exactly were you are again. find some other mug!

[max05]

Is this some joke ?