Friends child hurting mine!

[Woody1983]

Hi

My friend that I have known all my life (almost!) has a nearly 3 year old boy.
Everytime we meet up (normally once or twice a week) her little boy hurts my son who is only 10 months old. This has been going on for months and its getting worse, a few weeks ago, her boy tried to strangle my baby. He does it all, kicks, pushes, etc.... Verbal abuse EVERYTHING!
She does nearly always shout at him but then he cries and she gives him a cuddle and then it starts all over again.
He is really horrible and to be honest, I know he is only a child but I really cant stand him.
My fiance is getting really angry now and has said if he does anything else to our son he will shout at him himself.
Please can you give me advice on how to resolve this because now its getting to the point where I dont want to meet her because of him.

[brenda]

I suspect that your friend's child is extremely jealous of your little one , and that this manifests itself inspiteful behaviour from him.
If you continue to see your friend and her child with your own , you may be putting your baby at serious risk.

I think you should arrange to see your friend without either child , if you can do this in some way, after you have explained to her that the children are not getting on well , and that you are not prepared for her child to be unkind to yours any longer.

If you are really long standing friends she will understand the reason for your decision.
However it may be that the friendship is changing and it may be time to call a halt if she is not prepared to understand your reasons and accept them.

Please do not put your baby at risk for anyone , I don't think for a moment that you will, you sound pretty sensible to me.

Perhaps the two of you could still meet up for a coffee or something in a child free setting.

Hope things work out.

[Lil O'lady]

It is worrying that a 3-year old is using verbal abuse, and possibly reflects on family interactions that take place when you aren't there. The attacks are not acceptable but are part of the mother and father's need to give this child clear, loving boundaries, and a clear indication of consequences. Being shouted at by a stranger (your fiance) might pull the boy up sharp but needs constant reinforcement by his mum and dad.
I agree with Brenda that meeting without the children will avoid the problem, and that you may have to consider in the longer term how your friendship is changing. If it means child-free meetings you probabaly can't meet up as often.

[Woody1983]

Thank you for your answers.
Its pretty much impossible to meet up without the children as both our partners work full time so we cant really ask them to help as it wouldnt be fair.
I think its such a shame as I said we have been friends for 25 years and now its almost to much to bear even thinking about meeting up.
Would you advise to speak to her about it because at the moment I just ignore it. I'm not very good at speaking about things like this though. I dont want to offend or upset her but I'm genuinelly getting upset myself - after all my son is just a baby himself and he needs me to speak up for him.
Any more answers please feel free to comment....

[redcrx]

speak to her tell her exactly what youve said here, that its upsetting your child and that you cant put him at risk of being hit.
Suggest that the two of you find a way around it because of the difficulty of meeting up without the children.
If youve been friends that long then she will understand.

[Woody1983]

Sorry, additionally, I'm not a first time mom - I have a 4 year old girl also and realise sometimes cjildren can be rough but its beyond that.
Lil O Lady is also right there is violence at their home - her husband has kicked and punched my friend before and is quite aggressive regulary. So maybe thats why....

[Rosetta]

I think you do need to speak to your friend as your baby is taking the brunt of this behaviour

Could you do something like go around the park or for a walk so that both kids are safely strapped into their buggies but you and your friend could still have a natter

[tigwig]

The poor child is obviously just repeating what he sees at home. He thinks because daddy does it then its ok for him to. He will be taking out all his worry and stress on your son simply because he is smaller and can't defend himself.
You seriously need to talk to your friend not just about her son's behaviour but about her relationship. The child might even be abused by his father.
I am sure you could meet her one night and leave your baby with his dad. Please do this as soon as you can. Your friend needs all the help she can get.

[Velvetee]

What I find amazing, is that the mother of this small thug does not seem to realise there is something wrong with him. I for one, know if my child was trying to strangle a baby, I would be mortified and cart him of to the doctor, in search of therapy.

Your 10 month old is still at a vulnerable age and this bigger child will undoubtably be physically stronger. Perhaps you need to speak to your friend and tactfully explain what her son is doing, is not normal behaviour, however, I get the feeling she will disagree with you and you will probably fall out.

[Nannyjill]

It would be a shame to lose your friend so you really do need to sort this out sooner rather than later.

She may actually not realise how vulnerable your son is- it's easy to forget - is he her only child?- I suspect as Brenda says he is jealous especially if you saw a lot of him before your little one was born.

Maybe you could meet up and do something active as he clearly has some anger issues and maybe excess energy..Sounds like they could both do with some help, perhaps you bringing the subject to the surface will allow her to confide in you.

[Ice.Maiden]

I definitely think that the little boy's jealous, especially if his mum smiles and makes nice comments about your baby. Perhaps he doesn't get that very much at home.
You must speak to your friend, though. It sounds as though she doesn't have the right sort of control over her son. Just by shouting at him, she's displaying signs of aggression herself, whereas a very firm "NO, you mustn't do that", and moving him our of reach your child, should teach him that what he's doing is wrong. Sadly, if she takes the hump, then despite 25 year's of friendship, your own child's welfare comes first. Tell her bluntly that this has to stop - and mean it. If your friend's a decent one, and receptive to what you're saying, you then might be able to suggest to her that she tackles her husband's bad behaviour as well. Best of luck.

[Woody1983]

Thank you all for your fantastic advice.
I will speak to her but it will be hard!

xxx

[Dollychris]

I've read a lot of the advice you have been given and feel that it is such sensible, sound advice and that you really should listen to it and speak to your friend.
Could I also add that your baby's safety and welfare must come first and foremost in this sad situation. Your friend's little boy is oviously very sad and appears to be jealous of your little one and seeks attention for himself. He's only a child and will be learning from what he sees at home.
His Mum is probably trying to make up for the volatile atmosphere at home but you cannot ignore this behaviour if your baby boy is on the receiving end of such cruel taunts - he shouldn't have to put up with it and it could start to affect him , if it hasn't allready when you meet your friend.
You are in such an awkward position and I'm sure that your friend values your friendship greatly - she must have so much to put up with at home. You and your little boy can't bear the brunt of her partner's behaviour though so I would speak to her calmly and clearly and tell her you are upset and concerned at the situation. I would also let her know that you are there for her should she need you. She probably knows that her son is behaving badly and will try to remedy the situation if she cares as much about your friendship as you obviously do - and I think she will care after all those years. Remember though that she has to appreciate your concern for your baby and he must come first as you would never be able to forgive yourself if something unfortunate happened to him - Good luck, you sound like a lovely Mum and a great friend. xx

[Woody1983]

That's really nice of you. Thank you. x