Funny snippets wanted please for my book, mtia :-)

[Beatrice35]

Funny positive pieces- jokes or parables or short stories on the theme of loss or death, wanted for my book am currently piecing together, please. No bad language or blasphemy please. Respectful, good clean humour only please. It is for my chaper, "Phoenix." Want to help people going though all kinds of bereavement/loss- have plenty of encouraging pieces yet need some humorous ones too.

Am not asking for this in Jokes section as most of the jokes there are pretty offensive or have bad language in which most definitely do not want for my uplifting book.

Hope you guys can help. Many thanks in advance :-) Warmest wishes, Bea :-)

[rinkins]

Hey Bea, can't really help with this one but I just wondered how it was going? x

[Oneeyedvic]

Not sure if this is suitable, but a Canon in my Rotary Club had to go to hospital for an operation. We sent him a Get Well Soon card and in it I wrote: See you soon (unless your boss wants to see you!).

[Beatrice35]

Bless you rinkins for asking how am. Just had my angel parents around- help me out in the home + garden- bless them!! They are fantastic, five star parents. Struggle to keep on top of everything with my neurological condition so having them help with a few household tasks is fantastic!! They say they like to help out- they are in their 50's + fit + healthy , so feel okay about them helping out from time to time. Am peicing together my book right now as it happens ;-) :-)It is slowly taking shape yet at least moving in the right direction, forwards instead of backwards ;-)
How are you rinkins?

A quote for you rinkins:-" In dreams and in love there are no impossiblities"- Janos Arany

[Beatrice35]

oneyedvic,Um, not sure if that is apt for book yet it sure did make me chuckle ;-) :-) so many thanks!!
"The harder you fall, the higher you bounce."- Anonymous

[Beatrice35]

Actually, Oneyedvic, think it is pretty funny + may well use that as cannot see how it would upset anyone + if it made me chuckle then it probably would make others chuckle too :-) Big hugs, Bea :-)
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
-Ellen DeGeneres

[4winds]

One of my grandsons said to me a few weeks ago, " Grandma, is it true that we'll ALL die someday ?""
"Yes, but hopefully not for a long time yet!", I replied.
"Well, before you die could you make sure that you fill your freezer with pea and ham soup, 'cos I'll really miss it.""

Cupboard love ?..........not really.......I hope!

[Beatrice35]

Always love the words from the mouthes of babes and children ;-) :-) Bless you for that one 4winds :-) Warmest wishes, Bea :-)

[shivvy]

Following a recent rain shower, a grandmother was picking her darling grandaughter up from school and walking her home.
At one particular puddle the child stopped and bent down to look closely in the water where the rain had fallen on spilt oil causing a multicoloured swirl. The child said "Look Granny, it's a dead rainbow!"

In not knowing anything about your book, it is hard to know what type of stories and/or jokes you are after Beatrice. However I thought the above was quite sweet!

A death-type joke is:

'The Obedient Wife'
There was a man, who had worked all his life, and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied,
'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife.

'I got it all

[no-knowledge]

just follow stompe around chatterbank Beatrice , you will be guaranteed to have enough Funny snippets for your book just before the next millennium.

[shivvy]

Oops sorry - it chopped off the end of the joke.

The end was . . .

"I sure did said the wife.'
'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a Cheque....

If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

BOOM BOOM!!

Good luck with the book Beatrice.

[Spoiled33]

Dont know if this is even as funny as i think it s or true for that matter but as a kid there was an old man called hooky. I asked my dad why. Dad said he had always been a bit light fingered and his best steel ever was when he attended the death bed of an old man. The old man was very weak and his family were gathered round his bed. He saw hooky and knew he was light fingered....and with his last breath he whispered "watch Hooky!" as a warning to his family. this was too much for him and sadly the old man slipped away. Hooky moved in closer to the bed and said with a sad quiver in his voice " what a man, with his final breath he bequeathed me his watch!"

x

[shivvy]

Ah Spoiled, that makes me remember this one . . .

The Reverend Ian Paisley was on his deathbed and his family were gathered around him. With very few breaths left he whispered to them "I want to convert. I want to become a catholic". His family were horrified and couldn't believe what they were hearing.
"Ian, you can't mean it. You have been the head of the Free Presbyterian Church and a committed protestant all of your life. You can't mean what you are saying."
Ian whispers "I know what I am doing. Call for a priest. I have made my mind up. I want to be a Roman Catholic when I die."
"But Ian, tell us why. Why do you want to die as a catholic?"

Ian replies "better one of them dies than one of us!!"