should it matter?

[gossipgirl]

ive been with my partner for nearly 4 years now and we have 2 gorgeous children, For the past year at least now ive been really wanting us to get married but i have mentioned this to my partner he has shrugged off the idea saying its too expensive and not nessesary, of course this upsets me but i try not to let on and end the subject. I think my partner thinks id want this massive white wedding with all the trimmings but i dont, thats not what marriage is about id be much happier with a small affair with just close family and friends in my local hall if i meant i was gonna marry him! Marriage isnt important to him and i know its not the be all and end all but i have always seen myself being married with my parents proudly looking on, am i so wrong for wanting that? Our oldest child who is 7 asks why were not married and says he would like us to get married because he says thats what mums and dads do and i feel like a hypocrite when i tell him stories on how when your older you meet someone get married and then have children, when we havent set that example lol. Am i so wrong for wanting marriage?

[Sasha13]

Nope, you're not wrong for wanting marriage, but it sounds to me like you're not going to get it with this guy.

Have you ever read 'He's just not that into you?' I don't normally advocate running my/your life by books like this, but I do think this one is different.

Do you think that it's a valid 'excuse' to write off marriage as being 'expensive and unnecessary'?

I don't.

Especially when you've been together for 4 years and have two kids together.

How long will you wait around? 5 years? 10?

[waterboatman]

Hello gossipgirl. People were living together and having babies long before religion (and marriage) was invented. It is not unusual for couples who have lived together for a long time and then got married to part not very long afterwards. I don't want to throw cold water on your dreams, but marriage is only a piece of paper, love and commitment are a far stronger bond. I wish you well.

[bertiebear]

'I've been with my partner for nearly 4 years'

'Our oldest child who is 7...'

Magic! ;-)

[gossipgirl]

i should mention that my 7 year old is his step son lol

[paraffin]

I really don't want this to be or to sound patronising, however, here goes: Why didn't you try to marry him first, THEN start the family?
At least then you may have found out his "true" feelings for you. As it stands, it sounds like he's having his cake and eating it, if you'll excuse the expression.
The reason I'm saying what I am is because you sound as if you're not only doubting his commitment, but perhaps you're also wondering whether to "bin" him, which of course would have been a damned sight easier without the added "baggage" of having little ones to consider?
Personally I don't think you're wrong at all for wanting marriage but maybe I'm old fashioned - it seems that the "norm" nowadays is to co-exist as you and the boyfriend have been doing.
However, the commitment of marriage cannot be one-sided, therefore, you need to ultimately decide what's best for you, and your children.

[happyone2]

I wonder if this more about the fact by not wanting to marry you , you feel he doesnt love you enough ??

Only you can answer that one ???

does he love you as much as he would if you were married and it really only means "a piece of paper" to him, or do you really think he doesnt love you as much as he "should" and is therefore not as committed to you......

If he is,then you may have to let the marriage thing go and stop using your children to validate your point................. tell your 7 old that your not married and thats that, by him sensing that you feel the same way, he will just keep sayng it which i think makes you feel more unloved - after all i assume you didnt marry his father so its not as if this is the first time youve had kids without the certificate first is it ???

if he doesnt love you enough to marry you, then you have to decide if you will stay with him despite that fact.

We cant tell you which it is................but you know !!!

Good luck

[gossipgirl]

i did marry my sons father but the marriage ended because he became violent to me after the birth of our son, i did try and make it work but the final straw came when he put me in hospital for the 2nd time. I just feel i had to mention this before people had the idea that i dont take marriage seriously because im a divorcee. Thanks everyone for your answers, i think im going to have a very open talk to my partner, whatever the outcome i cant walk away, i love him too much and i know he feels the same about me, maybe im just going to have to accept it that getting married will never happen xxx