How to be caring

[angeldraws]

This probably sounds stupid but i am trying to explain to my OH how to be caring - how to show he cares - i know it's easy to tell him what you want and i do but then i get a few nice words (if that!), maybe some flowers and then it's over. I have a few health concerns and he NEVER asks me about hospital appointments, how i am/have been. In November i was admitted to hospital due to severe abdominal pains and felt some pain again earlier this week - i mentioned it and immediately he went on to talk about something else and then ignored me for the rest of the day (we hadn't even argued!) - in fact when it came to the day i was coming out of hospital he couldn't bring himself to ask his boss for the time off to collect me and said i should wait till 6pm (it was 1pm then) - until i insisted and it wasn't a problem at all to his employer - he's a teacher. Am i expecting too much or is my OH lacking something?

[angeldraws]

Sorry? is that a reply or a request...?

[annie0000]

Is it possible that he just scared?

[Schutzengel]

angel - yes your husband is lacking something, in common with many men. Often men are very bad at expressing their feelings, and also are either uncomfortable or scared about medical issues when they are affecting their wives. The thinking is, if I don't talk about it, it's not really happening. If he is a good husband in other respects, I would suggest you pick a quiet moment, and tell him that when you are not well, you do feel scared and would appreciate a comforting word to show his concern. It does sound as if he is not as confident as he might appear, i.e. not wishing to ask his boss for time off to collect you from hospital. I hope your health concerns are soon resolved. Best wishes. Schutz.

[angeldraws]

@ Schutzengel - thanks for your kind words and advice - i appreciate it very much x

@ zacsmaster - but he might grow manboobs!!! lol

[ummmm]

Men can be caring. He sounds scared to me xx

[LoftyLottie2]

I 100% agree with Scutz. He probably cares very much. Men are often quite ostrich about medical matters and health and just don't know how to cope so they block it out. That's why our girlfriends are so valuable.

Yes, men and women certainly are from different planets!!

[bednobs]

i don't think you should try and change him. having been ill for over 10 years now, my husband deals with things by letting me get on with things unless i ask him for help, which he is more than happy to give when i ask him. In 10 years of hospital appointments, he has been to 2 of them, but actually thats ok, cause it means i can give him my interpretation of what they tell me, rather than what they actually tell me. I would prefer he keeps his work sweet because at some point i'll have to give up work completely, and ill need him to have been a reliable employee then.
I once read a study (whose author escapes me now) when i was doing my degree which showed that people with solicitous families often fared worse because they just got into a sick role, and allowed other people to do stuff for them, therefore losing independence quicker. I would prefer my husband had high expectations of what i could cope with and do, so that i try to live up to them

[angeldraws]

@ bedknobs - i'm not looking to change him - i have established that fact with him - i understand what you say about categorising oneslf into a 'sick role' but that is not the case here - I'm pleased for you that you choose to 'interpret' what you are told at the hospital - my situation is completely different to what you have said about your own.

do you think i should've waited 5 hours in the hospital before he could collect me????? Collecting your wife from hospital does NOT make you an unreliable employee!

[Alliegid]

Hi - at least he picked you up in the end - I had to get the bus!