Hee Hee Ha Ha
For a long time I had been feeling unhappy, as I was stuck in a loveless marriage and had no money. So I decided to kill two birds with one stone. I took out a life insurance policy on my wife, then hired a hitman to kill her. He told me his name was "Artie". He wanted me to pay him five grand to do the dirty deed. I told him he could have the money after he'd done it, and gave him all the money I had up front - a one pound coin.
The next day he followed my wife into Sainsbury's, and when nobody was looking, strangled her to death. The manager saw him doing it, so he strangled him too. But he got caught on CCTV and was arrested momentarily.
The newspaper headline the next day read: "Artie Chokes Two For A Pound At Sainsburys".