Why Should We Conform?

[Otrere]

Why is it that when you're with your partner long term, all your friend, family and colleagues want to know when you're getting engaged? Then you get engaged and they want to know when you're getting married. Then you get married and they want to know when you're having children? Then you have a baby and they want to know when your'e going to have another one?

What is wrong with just living on your own or even just living "in sin" with someone and never having children???? Why should we have to conform to what the majority of society sees as "standard"? Why can't people mind their own business!!!!???

[Scarlett]

I guess it's because that is the natural pattern of life! Not just with us but with most creature. Born, eat, mate, have babies, die. Our familes and friends want to see us progressing through life in the "standard" way. It's just as well that not all of us DO do this, or we would be overrun with babies. I have lived on my own for most of my adult life and am completely happy! Nobody asks me about my "love life" anymore, because I suppose they have realised that not all people are going to conform.

[foreverlove]

I completely understand your concern and I can relate to it.

I think what it is this: the world is rapidly changing all around us, and we're seeing it every day -- rules are changing all the time, roles are changing, technology is advancing super-fast, etc., and though many of us are becoming increasingly more accepting and tolerant of the individuality and uniqueness of others and of ourselves, there still remain many who prefer the old "patterns" of behavior, the old "ways" of doing things, the "set standard", so to speak. Perhaps it allows them to feel more secure in such a constantly, quickly changing world -- that no matter how much and how quickly everything else changes, at least there is one constant, like something "to hold on to". Change can seem like a fearful thing sometimes and so some try to avoid it, for themselves as well as for others.

The GOOD NEWS is that change is actually a GOOD thing and HEALTHY and more and more of us are becoming aware of and open to this new freedom that we have -- to make our own decisions, to know what is right for us personally and individually, and to accept it and act on it. So just keep on hangin' in there like you have been , continue doing what is right for you, and continue being patient with those who aren't ready. Someday they will be.

In the meantime, remember that you are not alone in your thinking -- there are many of us "out here" who support your right to choose your own way --who are each choosing their own way as well and then take solace in the fact that you carry precious wisdom within you that tells you the truth: You are free. Free to be yourself and enjoy your own life. You're being true to yourself and this is the right thing to do. Let them ask their questions, if it makes them feel better. You know who you are and what is right for YOU. In the end, that's all that truly matters.

I hope this helps. :)

[londondave]

I been with my girlfriend 10 years, We are happy NOT getting married and neither of us are paternal so our parents make do with a cheeky  7 year old African Grey Parrot for a grand child .

[mystress]

"Conformity is Death" Anon.

[netibiza]

Take it as it comes.  I was with my partner "living in sin" for 11 years, bumming around Europe doing the hippie thing.  Then wham out of the blue we decided to get married - - why? no idea , then went on to have a daughter.  We've been married for 30+ years now but we did our own thing and only conformed when we felt like it.  Enjoy your life.

[paidinfull]

The only one true path in life is yours. A great deal of trouble in the world has been caused by conformity - social, political, religious or otherwise. Do your thing and remember what Mark Twain once wrote: "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect."

[smudge]

Otrere - If you enjoy life living on your own - then so be it. Just because other people expect you to do what they see as the 'norm' is up to them. I bet some of these people get moments in their lives, when they wish they could run off & have time 'on their own' - I'm sure we all do at times.

Having said that, I love my family dearly & wouldn't wish to ever be without them.

Do what's best for 'you' not them.

[Otrere]

Thanks for your interesting replies. I am actually married with a 2 1/2 year old little girl and I am just fed up with people asking me when I'm going to have another one!!! Sadly what they don't know is that it is a very touchy subject!

[darklar]

I think the type of questions youmention sometimes come into conversation when the people asking dont really have anything to say. Althought they are showing interest into an important aspect of life i think its often a sort of "hows the weather" type of inquiry. I see why it bothers you but I just think it is one of those things you just have to deal with. I sometimes find small talk quite annoying - so to disguise the fact it is really small talk they ask something significant about you. Quite lazy really. Either that or they are genuinly bothered. I think you just have to grin and bare it...maybe slap them everytime they ask. In respect to why people cant mind their own business...Damn, have you seen the programmes on TV. Soaps is just curtain twitching made easy and all the reality programmes are all about watching people...Half of big brother on E4 involved sleeping and sitting...I know people who stayed up all night watching that crap...so in comparison your life must actually seem quite interesting.

[jno]

They're just being friendly. One of the friendliest things you can do with people is invite them to join your club -the clubs of married people, parents etc. They don't necessarily want to know exactly how you plan to go about having another child, but they're letting you know what a nice one you already have. (If they didn't like her, they certainly wouldn't ask when you planned to have another.) Perhaps some of them really are intrusive (in which case a good all-purpose answer is 'I'll have to think about that some time'), but I'll bet most of them are just trying to be nice. As everyone else has pointed out, you really don't have to conform to anything at all these days if you don't want to.

[ludwig]

Chill. They're just making polite conversation.

[kick3m0n]

have to be honest, I've never felt the pressure to conform at all.  Been with my fella 16 years, we only got engaged after 12 years, with no real intention to set a date for a wedding.  Had our first baby after 14 years together.  No pressure from family to marry as we're as solid a couple as any legally wed pair, and no pressure to provide grandchildren (as my mum didn't have kids till her 30s, so was happy for me to do likewise).  I thank my lucky stars every day that my close family (and my fellas) all respect our choices and never try to interfere etc.  That said, I'm not the kind of person who would do any of these major life milestones just to please other folk, so even if I had felt pressure to confrom, I certainly wouldn't have succumbed.  It's my life.....they've had theirs to do with what they will, and I will have mine.

As for folk asking about baby no. 2....they are just being polite etc. I get asked that all the time now my wee guy is 19mnths old.   it's like hairdressers asking about your hols etc....it's the natural conversation.   It's not their fault it's touchy subject for you. 

Just chill out and enjoy your life. xx