Please Help...

[bantingm]

I am completly at my whits end and have no idea where to turn.

For two years i have been with my boyfreind, who i am also living with, and things are very good. i moved to his home town, where i changed jobs and am loving life where we live. This weekend was his 30th Birthday, and desperate to make it one to remeber i took him away to Dublin. we had an amazing time, and on returning we arranged a night out with all our friends to carry on the celebrating. After alot of Alcohol, he flipped out and got very agressive and shouty, fighting with me, and two of his best friends. He has only jsut started talking to his Dad and Sister after a year, and another drunken night out where he just got so angry.

His alcohol tempers dont happen too often but i dread going out with him for fear it may spark another argument. However when things are good, they are amazing and im very happy.

I have left him and staying back at my parents currently, and have begged him o get hlp with his anger to try and stop it from happening again. i am 20 and feel i shouldnt have to cope with this. how can i make him see that he needs help? he is complelty in denial and believes it is everyone else around him that has a problem.

i have told him unless he agrees to help i wont be going backl, but im hurting so much and after enjoying his birthday so much, and being away with him i want things to work out. If he does agree to anger management, does anyone know where to go to get help? thanks xx

[HillyHugger]

Does he have these anger attacks when he is sober ? I would guess not , but you don't say exactly . From what you've said I would have thought it was more an alcohol problem than an anger problem - hope that makes sense .

You will get good , confidential advice from here

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Good luck

[Schutzengel]

While you are away, I suggest you stay away. Aggressive drunks, get worse with age. As for fighting with you, that should be enough to give you a wake-up call. At 20 years of age you have the whole world in front of you. You deserve much better than a someone like your boyfriend. Think about it, a few years down the line you could find yourself in an abusive relationship with the traumas that would create for you. There are many men who could charm the birds off the trees when they are sober, but as you have found they can be dangerous to be around when drunk. Don't be taken in by the good times, in a situation like this they are unlikely to last. Take care of yourself, that is your priority. I wish you everything of the best for your future.

[bantingm]

Thank you so much for your answers.

i know i sohuld get out whislt i can but i just cant help feeling that i can help him get better. It is only when drunk yes...when he is sober he is lovely, and like i say he only really gets drunk maybe once a month, and then the anger attacks happen proably every 2 months. we just have so much planned and such a lovely house together that we have built up i cant help wanting to make it work so i dont have to throw it all away. xx

[tamborine]

U & he are building a future together with the house etc. He may have peer pressure to drink to excess. When sober he's angry at himself and guilty if he has upset or hurt you.

Anger & guilt become a pattern with excess alcohol. More alcohol alleviates the problem. Explain this to him and see if he wants to improve on your future together?

[nakitaxx]

i know exactly where you are coming from .... i was in the exact same position 9 years ago .... it honestly does get worse ... its a bit of a kick off at everyone else .... then its on you .... then they get physical .... i put up with it for a long time thinking i could "help" him ..... You cant help him he has to help himself ..... i ended up having a baby to try and fix everything ...... It doesnt work everything gets worse .... now i have a 5 yr old little boy who has alot of issues due to the violence he witnessed ..... i have an injunction on the ex but it doesnt stop him when he's drunk .... he threatens to kill himself if i dont go back to him ...... Please before its too late take a long look at your life ..... if i could go back in time i would of walked away ..... He did give me a son which i will always be thankful for ..... but it also means i will never have his dad out of my life ..... dont make the same mistakes .... Good luck xx

[paraffin]

A leopard doesn't change his spots!

[beaniesq]

Some great answers to this thread so far.

I have some personal experience with this, but with a parent, not a partner.

You clearly love your partner, and you want to 'rescue' him for want of a better word. However, I think you have done exactly the right thing going back to your parent's for the moment.

He might not be an alcoholic in the classic sense of the word, but he clearly has a problem with alcohol, especially binge drinking, and I'm glad to hear you are keeping yourself out of the firing line for a while. Not only will this help you, but I think he needs time alone to really think about what he is on the verge of losing.

If he is able to acknowlege he has a problem relating to alcohol and agression, then the best place to start is his GP, who can refer him to a counsellor.

AA is more of a group therapy, and it's pretty geared towards the alcohol dependance side of things, and I think because of his additional anger issues, it might be better for him to see a counsellor for one-to-one sessions.

I just get the impression that AA would be too intimidating for him and I don't think the stigma attached would help him either.

His damaged relationships with other family members have probably contributed to his anger issues, so that's also something he can discuss with a counsellor in private.

I think you can support him through this, and I don't think he's destined to become a violent wife beater in future, but he has some very serious decisions to make now, which will hopefully mark a positive turning point in your future as a couple.

Best of luck with your situation xx

[marie26]

Agree. All drunks are the most entertaing, lovable, kindhearted people when sober. Then the rages get worse as time goes on. You won't change him. He has to do it. Learn, be strong and stay away

[happyone2]

There are 2 things here, his alcohol misuse, and your need to make him better.

And there are many truths that people are trying to tell you

1) Alcohol destroys the fabric of families, it extinguishes love and it is never cured. It may well be brought under control but it is always like the uninvited trouble maker at the wedding, it never goes away and can cause trouble at any moment, every day or every week, of every month of every year that you remain with him.

2) You cant help someone who drinks in this way, they hve to come to a realisation of their own and many agressive alcohol misusers only do this after many broken relationshiips with family as well as lovers.

3) Love doesnt conquer all

4) Much as i wish happiness for you, like everyone else i know with such certainty that this will never happen with this man, his spiral into alcohol abuse is only just beginning and will continue unabated until he acknowledges it is his problem and not every one elses fault ( a common thought process with alcoholics - it isnt me its them )

It would be a good idea to talk to that website link given, and possibly research what its like to be married to a drunken agressive charming man.........god knows there are an awful lot of women who can identify with your dilemma................................... but with hindsight would hve walked away, if only they could have not let love blind them when they were young and so sure the world woud look after them cos they were in love !!!

Enjoy your youth dont squander it on someone who cant be helped...................... until he helps himself and thats his job notyours !!

Good luck

[sliver]

You can't change someone who doesn't want to be changed. If he can't see the problem you have no chance of getting him to address it. How much of your life are you willing to give up on this thankless task?

I know it sounds harsh, but one day you'll look back and see how much time and energy you have wasted.

It's time to move on x

[lil123]

My ex husband started off like this when he had a drink and it got worse and worse.
He would only need literally one drink.
He ruined mine and our daughters life as living with someone like that is a nightmare to say the least.
I'm so glad I finally plucked up courage 2 and half years ago to leave and even now he will deni any fault on his part and say his drinking is in control.
I could never live with anyone who drinks again

[LaLa1705]

Very good advice here. I know it's very hard for you to leave the life you have built up with him but you will become stronger for doing so, even though it doesn't feel like it now. You are lucky, you have parents to go to, you won't be alone and the financial side of the house you have with him can be sorted. Maybe you could stay at the house and get a housemate?
I lived with a partner who was meek, mild and very nice.Until he had a drink.He ended up beating me with a baseball bat.I thought I was going to die.Please please don't get further into the downward spiral people like this create.I ended up beaten,homeless,abused and my life in ruins because I didn't get out at the first warning signs.I still get panic attacks now, 5 years on.

Be strong,you can't help him, only yourself x

[..]

tell him to quit drinking

[tamborine]

I beat up my drunken bully & scarred his face (minor) but it took some explaining to peers etc.

Scars were a constant reminder - stopped the bullying & controlled the drink; we remained together for over 40y & had 3 kids. Glad we stayed together.