Would I be wrong?

[Velvetee]

Some will know, I had a falling out with my partner, after I found out he was trying to romance another woman, he had been lying to me for a while and after a row, he went off to his mother's, which he did on two ocassions, leaving me heavily pregnant and in pain for 12 hours, resulting in me having to go to hospital.

Anyway, I'm pretty disgusted that his mother didn't send him packing, tell him to grow up and behave like a man. She knew I'd been to hospital and knows about all the upset her son has caused me, but she hasn't rang me once to find out how I am. This all happened a month ago and I feel let down not only by him, but his family too.

Anyway, I have decided, I don't really want his mother and loser, drug taking brother to have much to do with my baby, who'll be born in around 4-5 weeks. Would I be wrong in doing this, as I would be depriving my child of contact with his Grandmother? (My mum died several weeks ago)

I don't really think my partner's mother will make a particulalry good Grandmother, as the only thing she truely loves are her 2 Staffordshire Bull Terriers.

[pinktwink]

this is something you need to talk with your partner about as it his child and his family too

[Velvetee]

As far as I'm concerned, the baby is mine, he's just the sperm donor. I've told him I don't want the baby to have anything to do with his family and he hasn't protested or said anything really. I don't really care what he, his mother or brother think, I just don't want to do a diservice to the baby.

[MWB]

Some mothers are so loyal to their sons.

I know of a case where a mother saw her son beat someone nearly to death. When the police came to arrest him at home, she stood up for him saying he hadn't done it.

Then there is the recent case here in NZ where some teenager killed someone & pled guilty. She refuses to believe it & says he is lying. HER son would NEVER do that. He must have a mental illness or was coerced by the police.

These are extreme cases, of course. But it gives you an idea of what some mothers are like.

[pinktwink]

but thae baby has too parents and to deny that is a diservice to the baby . Equally the baby has a right to know its grandparents. Sure you are angry with his mum for allowing him stay but she is his mum and is a support to him, He is an adult and its not her job to send him packing anymore or to get involved in telling him how to live his life, Surely it was better he spent the night with her than another woman.

[Velvetee]

Yes I suppose MWB. I'm having a boy, so perhaps I will be the same. I just feel let down that she hasn't had the decency to call me.

A few weeks before everything came to a head, she took me out for lunch and I went out with her and her family for her birthday. She's seemingly a callous coward like her son.

[Mr.Nose]

put yourself in his shoes
they may be a little big and perhaps a bit sweaty but just make sure you wear socks

[pinktwink]

velv it seeems you have a lot to be angry about and things are tough for you but dont take it out on his mum. She is in a no win situation. If she doesnt contact you she is supporting him, Equally if she had phoned she could be seen as interfering. She is in a no win situation, Your partner is the one to be angry with

[Velvetee]

This is true Pink, I do feel bitter, that he's behaved like an arse, because he was "scared about becoming a dad" and I feel even more bitter, because I've not been able to grieve my mother, as all this and his hankering after another woman has been thrown at me too and at a time when I don't need the stress

What he's done is wrong and I feel his family are condoning his actions. All she ever does is ring him up to talk about her 2 bloody dogs.

[pinktwink]

sure it is harder for you not having your own mum but at least his mum is not giving you grief. you have been through a lot lately be easy on yourself. look at the positives and concentrate on being a good mum

[annie0000]

It's sounds like you are all under stress at the moment and being heavily pregnant and full of strange hormones and feelings tends to not allow you to rationally think out your situation. I think for the moment you simply need to concentrate on yourself, your baby and try to remember the happy times you had with your mum and let the rest of them go to hell on a handbasket.

Don't cut anyone out at the moment, but equally, it is not your job to make everything right with them.

You may find that you get a different perspective when your son is born.

My kids only have one grandparent (my mum) and I still feel bad that they don't have any others, but as the all died before or shortly after they were born, there is not a lot I can do about it. I think I would feel really guilty had I deliberatley denied them access to their own remaining grandparent .

On a positive note, If she has shown so much loyalty to her son, she will probably love his son to bits and he will replace your partner in her affections as the new prince!

Keep well.

[Velvetee]

Thanks Annie.

[Nannyjillx2]

Ohh Velvetee sorry to hear of your troubles. (Not been on here very much lately)

You should concentrate on looking after yourself at the moment and put your partner and his mother on the back burner. They may both come round after the birth and stressing about it now won't help. and it won't change what has happened.

It must be hard not having your mother with you, and as you say you have not been able to grieve for her in the proper way but I am sure she is watching over you as she will be your new son.

Any decisions you have to make regarding contact can be done once your little treasure is here.

Look after yourself and get as much rest as you can.

[stonekicker]

personally, having not spoken to my husbands family for 15 years and most of mine for the same period (because they are all selfish, drama quens and degenerate in some way) - my life is much more peaceful and serene. i have a 15 year old son who i feel has never missed out on any part of family life. this is because i give him a stable loving home and he doesn't have people around him to mess him up emotionally. at the end of the day, you need to look after yourself and the baby and stuff everybody else. no grandparent has the right to see a child (legally or morally) and if a parent like your partner scarpers at the first sign of trouble or stress, they are obviously not up to the task are they? stop thinking about everybody else and do what you need to in order to ensure you and the baby are safe, happy and secure. i wish you the best of luck - be bold x

[tigwig]

I am very sorry to hear what has happened Velvetee. Your partner sounds like a pathetic waste of space! Sorry to say that but to use the excuse he's scared of becoming a dad is just lame.
I think you will just have to see how you feel and what happens after the birth.
Their actions will ultimately make you decide whether you let your baby mix with them or not.
The main thing is you need to think of your self at the moment and your baby of course, take care and look after yourself. I am sure everything will work itself out after the birth. After reading your other thread about the birth certificate thing I woouldn't make any quick decisions over that either. Just let things calm down and let him prove he can be a good father if he chooses to.

[jimsmith]

Sounds like the family are a right piece of work, go with your gut, screw em all , its your baby and your responcibility.
I suppose in the fullness of time youll have some difficult questions to answer, but it seems the choices you are making are driven by a consern for your childs long term wellbeing and not by a desire to cause your inlaws distress, and your baby will realise this as they grow.
Good luck

[Velvetee]

Thanks everyone, I guess it's something I have to think about. I've never really liked his family, which consist of his dog obsessed mother, who sent my partner to boarding school at the age of five. The ridiculous thing is, the boarding school was literally around the corner from her house. I think that has messed him up to a degree.

As for the brother he is a pot smoking, free loading waster, who at 35 cannot hold down a job and see's my partner as an open cheque book. Even though we are having a child, his brother still expects handouts, including his mortgage payments.

I know I won't allow the baby to visit her home, as I wouldn't trust her dogs and I feel if anything did happen, she would be distraught, as her dogs would be put down. But I agree with some of the comments, maybe I need to put my own feelings aside and consider my baby may need a relationship with his Grandmother, as he unfortunately won't have my mum around.

[Chicklin,]

spellcheck ffs!