Why do I cause myself pain

[angel21]

by going back to the ex after being apart for long enough to start feeling like I am over him?

Has anyone else dne a similar thing?

[tamborine]

safe journey sqad.....am in Turkey next week for 'swine flu' ..... Headlines: Oz Tambo - pig sick! that'll stop Oz tourism!

[4getmenot]

So you want people to keep their noses out of an abusive relationship, you arent happy and seems you know already you are going to be hurt again. Maybe you need to tell your mates so they can show you sense. Get rid. One time although as awful as it sounds I pretended my ex had died that he no longer existed and got rid of his number and even made a little grave on my office desk for him. It worked until I saw him in town lol

[angel21]

Thanks CAJ1. Last time I spoke to you you were still with your chap? He was in the army. What happened? x

[angel21]

I do want people to keep their noses out yes, cus I know its just a passing phase of period of time and I need to be left alone to sort it out for myself without other people telling me how stupid I am and pitying me and thinking I am a weak person. Because I'm not weak. I know I will be ok with time. And the abuse I can handle - its not my problem its his.

[CAJ1]

Not him angel! Before I was with him I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years. I never really addressed it though and realised I have low self-esteem, low confidence and unresolved anger issues so I'm going to work on them!

My boyfriend now is lovely and I'm still with him. I've recently explained to him how I feel and he has been so supportive xx

[sqad617]

Angel....you have demonstrated my point in that you feel that you can sort your problem out without the help of councelling.
I admire you for that, but I have to make the point again, that for people who can't sort themselves out, then there are no studies (that I know off) to show that councelling is any more effective.

[andy-hughes]

Absolutely angel, you have a lot of inner strength, and that is what is going to get you through this.

Sadly, a lot of well-meaning friends and colleagues tend to adopt the "If it were me .../ if I were you I'd ... " followed by load of emotioanl venting that doesn't help you at all.

The objective counsel of strangers on here underlines what you know you need to do.

Walk away - the easy bit.

Stay away - the seriously hard bit.

Move on - the best of all bit.

[4getmenot]

But you must be weak if you keep letting him back. beleive me I was very weak check me out 2 years ago

http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Body-and-Soul/Q uestion367607-2.html

I was a mess

If you know its a passing face why dont you get rid of him now?

[tamborine]

angel21....it's normal to be off/on with OH. You have history & we all live with hope of a better day. Sharing lives is ongoing adjustment (mine was 40+y) and better the devil you know etc.

Bereavement from OH, no matter how abusive, is real pain for 'what could/should have been'.

Love each other today.....tomoro may be too late.

[jno]

but it's impossible to measure cause and effect, sqad, too many variables. Even if one person got better without counselling and one didn't with counselling, it simply wouldn't prove anything, other than different strokes for different folks. (Maybe one wasn't as 'sick' as the other? Maybe the quality of counsellors varies?) The human factor is too strong.

[angel21]

CAJ1 - glad you've got someone who deserves you now! x

Sqad - I have had counselling before and am not sure what to make of it. One thing I do know is talking to people who listen and understand and can share similar experiences helps me.

I certainly find Andy's words kind and reassuring.


Tambo - Bereavement from OH, no matter how abusive, is real pain for 'what could/should have been'.

I'm with you there! Thats what I grieve for!


Andy - having only had one relationship is moving on really the best bit? I sometimes worry that (like 4get) even if I find someone else one day that treats me right then I will be tempted to still see the ex as the first couple of days and nights when you first go back are so magical. I also think its really sad that to get over someone you tell yourself to think of the bad times but then you forget the good.

4get - I think maybe although its a passing phase the time is not yet right to leave maybe or maybe that is a load of crap!

[angel21]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSMuCe8uBdg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NV59jsrSYJM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUYCx80LJ6c&fea ture=PlayList&p=14B616503091DDE7&playnext=1&pl aynext_from=PL&index=37

[CAJ1]

I agree with andy, moving on is the best bit. I think I've been in denial and not thought about what happened to me for nearly 3 years now its caught up with me. I spent a few weeks feeling like I was nothing, feeling guilty, sad, crying my eyes out and getting angry. I'm now on the last leg of that and am moving on to building my life back up and finding the person I really am who got lost all those years ago. I am standing up and bettering myself and learning to be proud of myself - there is no better feeling in the world. Healing is so painful, difficult to face and hard to stick to but I promise you angel it is worth it xx

[4getmenot]

you will always question yourself. I knew I had to get with someone that would treat me right but didnt go out with him straight away until I had got rid of the ex completely. I banned him from coming round I stopped seeing any mutual friends we had too. 2 years on I can honestly say I am so glad, why be in a relationship when you are more upset than happy. I see the ex around from time to time and we are both happy to stop and see how eachother is getting on. He did try it on for a while after but I was strong enough to see that it would never go anywhere and there was no point risking what a good life I had for one good night with him

[angel21]

Ok thanks hunnies xxx

[simonvs]

Relationships based purely on emotions, sex, etc., are far less likely to survive long term than ones based on mutual values and interests and compatability of temperament.

If you are serious about staying together rather than just being frightened of living alone, you really need to talk to each other. Many men really don't like talking, often due to low self esteem, immaturity and the fact that women tend to understand men better than men understand women.

Relationships coaching can take people forward without what I consider the unnecessary time spent going over the past and the pain. Why take people back into their depression, etc., when moving forward is what's required?!

First of all you need to accept each other for what you are. We all change, and we can all make plans about the directions we wish to go. And there are loads of books for ideas.....

Good Luck!!