please help me im all confuddled

[GINGER BIRD]

my partner moved in with me late last year and everything is going hunky dory apart from one thing that is really getting me down. he has a female friend that he e mails who he insists is just a friend and he doesnt think of her like that at all bla bla bla but he arranged to meet her the other week and didnt tell me about it i found out myself quite by accident. although he arranged to meet her he never actually got there. i confronted him about it and he said that he changed his mind, i cant get it out of my head that he had made arrangements behind my back and im now constantly worried when he goes on thecomputer thats hes contacting her its driving me insane how can i deal with this please ?

[Velvetee]

They do things like this and often tend not to know why! How does he know this other woman? Has he known her a long time or did he meet her through the Internet?

If the situation was as innocent as he claimed, then he would have told you he planned to meet this woman, not conceal it. From personal experience this kind if sneaking around and secret meets, is rarely innocent.

He needs to be honest with himself and you and explore his real motives for wanting to go on a "date" with this friend.

[GINGER BIRD]

well he reckons he met her on the internet ages before he met me and went to her wedding etc and all she does is moan about her husband it seems plausible but im not sure . he reckions she knows all about me i do have her email address so maybe i should e mail her and get her side oh i dont know its ruining my life !!!!

[joannie10]

when first reading your email I was thinking 'nothing wrong with this' I do have several male friends who I have quite regular email contact with. meeting her and not telling you does sound a bit strange - for example would he normally say 'I am off out with Dave' or something if he was doing something one night?? Was he on this occasion just going to go out and not tell you but normally would?? Have you reacted badly to his friendship with this girl before - in his mind perhaps all innocent but was worried you would go off on one?

[GINGER BIRD]

i must admit i have reacted badly in the past but only because he sent a text to afriend i asked him who he was texting and he said it was a male friend but actually wasnt it was her it was a very saucy text that caught him out because he was laid he said that he has now deleted her number and e mail address but im not sure

[GINGER BIRD]

should read he was laid on me and i saw the text

[Velvetee]

Probably not the thing to do, but I would definitely E Mail her. I E Mailed the woman my partner was "innocently" friendly with after I found out he'd been buying her gifts. Unfortunately, the rude bint never replied.

You can maybe introduce yourself in a chatty way and say you've heard so much about her, that you thought it only right to introduce yourself. Be prepared that your boyfriend will probably not be best pleased with you doing this.

[GINGER BIRD]

velvetee thats awful hope you and your partner got it sorted .

[Velvetee]

He thinks it's all done and dusted Ginger, but I still feel bitter. We've been going to Relate Counselling, but even there he does not seem to be able to answer any of the questions I want answered and still maintains he didn't fancy or find this other woman attractive.

Surely if a man buy's another woman jewellery, it would indicate he does want to take thinbgs further with her? He has nothing to say on this, except to say she was someone to talk to. I think he's in denial and I don't know how anything can be worked out fully, if he's not wiling to explore his motives.

Has there been any further developments with your partner and this other woman?

[GINGER BIRD]

we had big words last night and he assured me that i am being silly that it was only ever friendship. itl be hard but i gave him the opportunity to be totally honest with me and told him that all i ever wanted was honesty. men are simple creatures and i doubt he could keep a lie up. so il just have to start beleiving and trusting him. your partner just mustnt realise what hes got in you . i mean you dont know me and you have sorted me out. men eh whod have em ? i really hope that you get it sorted out with him . i going to work now xx thanks again

[joannie10]

as I said previously I don't see any problem with having friends of the opposite $ex that you text or email. No need to be keeping it secret though and no need for saucey messages. i do think you have things to sort out - perhaps if this person is such a good friend you could go out with them for a drink or something - maybe reassure you that nothing is happening or confirm some things for you if this is more than just a friendship. I personally would not go down the route of contacting the girl - I think you and your partner need to sort it out amongst yourselves.

[GINGER BIRD]

hes just forwarded me a jokey e mail and it had a contact list to who he was sending it i looked at the contact names and one was a name i didnt recognise i clicked on it and her e mail address came up !