monster-in-law ggggrrrrrr!! Do I make up??

[orange-gnome]

It starts with the fact that my fiance is a kiwi, his parents live in NZ. We went over and spent a year there a while ago. We stayed with his parents for a few months..
His mother spent the entire time trying to "let me know" that she knows him better than anyone and that she is the most important woman in his life! He is the youngest of four so I get that he is her baby and all that but he is 34 for heavens sake! Oh I was the first gf he took to meet his mother (I wonder why?!)
I didn't try to compete with her, I know that in some ways she certainly does know him better than I do however we know him in different ways.
She spent her time making subtle jibes at me. Sometimes not so subtle:
At christmas time she asked for books. My bf picked a vegetarian cookbook (she isnt veggie) and I picked her a fiction. On unwrapping the gifts my bf told her that we had picked one each, unwrapping the cb she assumed I had picked it (I am a veggie) and said "hmm that'll go on the shelf and get dusty with the others" and then on unwrapping the fiction she started to read the back and flick through. My bf told her he was sorry she didn't like the cb, he had picked it. Immeadiately the fiction book was cast aside and the cb was picked up and flicked through whilst she made oohing and ahhing noises at it! I had been away from home for almost a year, a little homesick, it was christmas and missing my own family and for her to be so nasty really upset me!
A few months ago she called and was incredibly rude to me on the phone when I answered, I remained polite but since I have made my bf answer the phone to her and she doesn't ask to speak to me anymore.
Even though she is very rude I don't want to be on bad terms with her for my bf sake, he of course loves her. Do I call her and make peace? I don't understand why when her son is 34 and left home many years ago, she thinks that I have stolen him from her!

[natalie_1982]

I would ask your mother in law outright why she feels she has to be so rude to you all the time, and if she really thought that much of her son she would accept you too.  There's absolutely no need for complete unprovoked rudeness, and she ought to be happy that her son has such a caring partner who would worry about things like this.

Out of interest how does your family treat your fella and what does your fella think of things between you and his mum?

I don't get on too well with my sister in law, for the same reason, she is very jealous and feels that I am taking her brother away from her.  I don't think she can appreciate that she is his sister and I am his fiancee and that we can indeed be both - there isn't a law saying that you can only have either a) a mother, b) a sister or c) a partner.  So I really truly hope you work it out as I know how difficult it can be when you just want to tell somebody to '****** off' but have to consider your man's feelings too.  At the end of the day if a random person cameup to you in the street and was rude to you for noe reason, you wouldn't make the effort to be on good terms with them?

Anyway sorry for the length and probably not helping too much but I do know how you feel, and I hope that you feel you can talk to your fella and perhaps he could have a word with his mother?

[ludwig]

From the sounds of it I don't think there's anything you can do. You will never be good enough and you will always have stolen her son. On the positive side, she's on the other side of the world ( I assume you're in UK), so avoid the calls, be polite and dignified, don't get into arguments about her with your bf, and wait as patiently as you can till she pops her clogs.

[Peri]

I totally agree with Andy Hughes, you fiance's loyalty is to you first.  What does he think about this.  Has he had a word with his mother.  If he says nothing that will only give her more ammunition.

[dmsjps]

Funny that all the jokes are about mum-in-law from the guy's point of view when pretty much most of the problems are with the mum-in-law from the girl's point of view. I had this too: everything I did with my then baby son was wrong, everything I dressed him in was wrong, etc. Eventually we had a blazing row with my poor husband in the middle trying to calm us both down. She hasn't put me down since though. Having said that, my husband's brother married not long after so I think she turned her attentions onto her new daughter-in-law! I certainly got lots of complaints from her anyway.

 

My cousin had the same problem: his mum slagged of his then girlfriend all the time and was never happy with her. When they decided to get married, he calmly told his mum, 'You either get on with XXXXX or leave us alone because I love her, we're getting married and that's it.'

 

I think Peri has a point about your husband defending you, but then again, as andy hughes says, she is at the other side of the world. It's not fair that you should feel uncomfortable in your own home though, whenever she rings. I wonder if being really, really nice to her would cheese her off and make her stop. She obviously knows she's upsetting you and for some inane reason she seems to enjoy it.

 

Other than your husband having a word with her, I don't have any solutions, but you're not alone hun!

[jno]

the old marriage ceremony included a promise about 'forsaking all others', which meant you acknowledged that you were leaving your birth family and starting one of your own. Your bf will have to do this even if you don't make any formal promises - have to put you first, his children if any next, then parents, as andy hughes says. You don't say whether he acknowledges the problem, but he needs to, and to put your feelings first. It's a shame to have to make a choice when many people get on perfectly well with both their spouse and his/her family; but the situation's not of your making.

It may be that getting married will make a difference; little lights go on in some parents' heads when they suddenly realise that this is it, the kid's really left home. Failing that, being on the opposite side of the world is a good move (done it myself, it works). But remember if you're British that at least one of you will always be in exile.

(Oh, and you'll probably always get Christmas phone calls. Let him answer the phone.)

[orange-gnome]

Thanks everyone, this has given me lots to think about.
To answer your question about what he thinks; he thinks its quite amusing! He really isn't very close to his mother and over the years she has ****** him off a lot and he has just learnt to ignore her. He thinks I should just be able to do the same, I can most of the time but she has been very hurtful to me before and that is hard to ignore!
With the incident at christmas, I had come to the end of my tether and I aksed him to talk to her but he wouldn't.
To answer your other question Natalie, my family are lovely to him, my mother loves him! My sister was nasty to him and about him and I stood up for him and told her that this is the man I love, like it or lump it!
Anyway, thanks again for your opinions and suggestions
: )

[MargeB]

I would second the first post. Confrontation is the only option. She'll probably respect you for it. It's pretty disgusting.

[natalie_1982]

I didn't mean to imply they were anything but nice to him, and I feel I'm in a very similar situation.  Luckily, as has been pointed out, she is on the other side of the world (my sis in law lives on the same bleeding road!).  But perhaps you should let your fella know exactly how you feel and that you can't find it funny, even if he can. 

I think one of the best suggestins is to be as nice as possible to her, make sure you answer the phone and make extra polite conversation :)  I'm sure if she thinks she is getting to you she will continue, if you rise above it, grit through your teeth and smile and be extra specially sweet to her it will make her sick!

[orange-gnome]

Thanks Natalie, I plan to keep being as sweet as I possibly can!
Poor you living on the same road as your sis in law!!! What a nightmare!
I think you might find this amusing; when we were in NZ we moved out of his parents house and moved as far away as we could while still being close to my fiances job. We were about an hour away from them, did it stop them coming over and sticking their oar in? Of course not!
One day she decided to bring over takeaway from the local chinese and called to ask what we wanted, I said a nasi-goreng for both of us but get mine without prawns as I am allergic (she already thought I was a ridiculously fussy eater for being a veggie!!). So of course when she turned up a little while after the phone call, she had "forgotten" to ask them to leave out the prawns!!! I ended up having beans on toast watching them eating my fav chinese dish!!!! lol what a cow ay?!!!

[hinge1967]

Not a solution to your problem , but maybe will raise a smile.

My brother told me about how he dealt with his mother-in-law who thought it perfectly accceptable to go sneaking through bedroom drawers while babysitting. He suspected that everything had been rumaged through when they came home and eventually confirmed it using the old James Bond hair trick.

He wrote her a note, saying "**** off, you nosey old cow" and left it in a drawer. She of course could say NOTHING without revealing herself, and sure enough the drawers became undisturbed!