just wondering

[GINGER BIRD]

Hello
just wondering how it feels to be the otherwoman who knowingly is seeing someone who is living with someone else and knows. that their person will never leave that person . my mate is seeing a man but she is marries and will neevr leave him i just cant get my head around whats going on in hers or his !!!

[grasscarp]

Happens all the time. One day you may find yourself getting involved in something similar. Then you will understand. As you know people can and do leave their partners for someone else and then they may regret it. We often want what we cant have.

[andy-hughes]

I can't speak from experience obviously, but I do know that love comes to people from unexpected directions - and although their rational mind is telling them that this is wrong, and won;t work, and they will be hurt in the end, they proceed along because the heart wants what it wants.

The feelings must be as individual, complex, and diverse as the people involved, so there is no template to follow for these situations.

Some people enjoy the variety, the excitement, the elements missing from their own relationship, the sheer novelty of someone else, but it takes a huge number of circumstances, none of which are controlable by the individuals, for everything to knit up neatly at the end and finish with happiness.

If you want to know how your friend feels, talk to her. Some people like to discuss, some people like to be secret - again, it's down to personalities - no rules.

[GINGER BIRD]

to andy hughes:
that was really poetic and eloquent not a lot of men could put that together mrs hughes is a lucky lady ! x

[China Doll]

Circumstances sometimes find you in a disagreeable situation which in a black and white world you would not have deliberately put yourself in to. If emotions get involved then the rational mind (to borrow from Andy) goes out the window for a while.

Ultimately, if you're happy to settle for either second best or being second best for an indetermined amount of time, (ie: until they leave the partner or just for as long as the affair) and you're happy with it then I guess it can be fun and exilerating and always new. Personally, when I found myself in the situation of being the 'other woman', I found it unfufilling, self destructive, heart breaking and distracting, (so did he actually), I wouldn't recommend it.

[andy-hughes]

Thank you Ginger Bird, you are very kind.

I think China raises and interesting point (Hi China how are you?) - that being the 'other woman' can actually cause the exact opposite of the feelings that are supposed to occur: dread instead of excitement, resignation instead of anticipation, jealousy instead of intimacy, anger instead of joy, and the thought that this is going to end in defeat and pain, not victory and a new life.

As I said, it does depend on fthe individuals, the circumstances, and the way things develop on a day-to-day basis, but it takes a certain kind of individual to last the course.

[happyone2]

I am actually seeing someone who is in a relationship, we have been seeing each other for about 5 years, and the last 2 he has had his current girlfriend.

Whether this is right or wrong, i like this arrangement, i see him and he sees me when our busy lives permit, we have a lovely time and then we part..................... we know about each others lives but play no part in them, if i had a problem it would not be him i would turn to and i dont think him to me.............but of course we would be there for each other if asked, but we both have our own families and friends to turn to !!!

I have been quite hurt in the past, so im guessing i like the distance this relationship allows, i really like him but would not want to be with him, or come to that anyone else really on a full time basis.................. if he asked ( and he wont ) i would say no and he knows i wouldnt want to ask myself.

as to his girlfriend, thats his business....................... how he reconciles to me being in his life is his issue, if she found out then that is his issue also, not mine

[andy-hughes]

happyone2 illustrates my point - that individuals work things out in a way that suits them - and luckily she has managed to do that. The sad things is, she is in the minority, most others are swept along by feeling they cannont control into circumstances that cause them grief and guilt in planet-sized portions.

I would agree with h that it is her partner's conscience to be reconciled - he was a free agent when they mat, and he has chosen an additioanl relationship without leaving his commitment to her.

Idf you can get it right, that's wonderful, but as literature, poetry, art, music, and simple conversation prove time and time again, it's not usually easy, and it doesn't happen often.

[mesmerred]

happyone2 is definately not alone. I know several women who enjoy a man's company but on their own terms. They don't want a man full time and an arrangement with a man who will go home to somewhere else suits them.