Affair signs....

[Scarlett]

My sister has been with a horrible man for 14 years. He is a horrible bully. Lately she has started listening to modern rock music (she is 36) and wearing make up (she doesn't normally) and making a particular effort with her clothes. She is over-vivacious at work, and is especially gleeful.

Is this a mid life crisis or could she be having an infatuation? She has had them before, and the signs were identical.. but my concern is that she has just started working as a lecturer, and texts the boys in her class. I think this is very unprofessional. She also talks about one a lot, but I am sure he is gay!

Any ideas?! Thanks!

[Andy008]

I would think at 36 she is able to decide for herself. You say he is a bully, but if he hasnt hit or verbally abused her I can't see why this would be. I don't want to upset you Scarlett as u gave me some great advice before. But if she was being bullied I think the overwhlming sympton would be sullenness/despondency, which she doesn't seem to have?

[woofgang]

Why are you asking this? Scarlett, your sister is 36!

If you are worried then sit down and have a conversation with her, not us. If you are concerned about her texting habits, then the person to raise this with is her.

Sorry to sound snotty but there does seem to be a lot of judgemental stuff in your post.

[justineo]

Hi Scarlett, I can appreciate your position with your sister and you may be right to be concerned.  It doesn't matter how old my sister is I still worry about her.  I've had two close friends who had bullying partners, one physically violent, neither of these two women seemed sullen or despondent, quite the opposite actually, life and soul of the party unless their partner was around.  Have a chat with her and try and see if she's OK and lend her your support when she needs it. 

[jno]

If you've spotted that he's gay then perhaps she has too (as sisters you'll have similar antennae). Who better for a married woman to flirt with? Texting itself isn't unprofessional, remember.

[Scarlett]

Andy008... He has abused her, emotionally and verbally, for years and years. She hides it from us, and basically, like a lot of women in this position, is in denial. It is just the extreme character change that I have noticed, and I just wanted to know if those signs- suddenly wearing make up/new clothes/being overly vivacious are anything other people have noticed in others before.

Well, I will let you know the outcome anyway! Believe me, I wish I could sit down and have a conversation with her. I have no relationship with her, despite her being my sister. We work together, but we have no sisterly connection- mainly because of her bloke, who despises her family and won't let her have any friends.

[jean88]

The sudden change of appearance and interest often means she is trying to impress someone from what I have seem in other people that I know. An affair? Very possibly.....!!??  But maybe she is in a new job, a new look and a new leave. Maybe trying to fit in with the youths with the sudden interest in the rock music.
I understand what you mean by unprofessional, a teacher and the pupils should really keep a distance but today teaching standards I have seem worst.
That is so sad that you and your sister had fall out over this bloke( he is a so called "control-freak") but you still care for her. Cant you email her or write her a letter..??

[Dark Angel]

Scarlett, talk to your sister direct. She wouldn't like it if she knew you were talking about her behind her back.

Best Wishes.

[Scarlett]

Dark Angel... Talking about her behind her back? I was asking for advice and opinions from the Body and Soul readers. That is all. It is the equivalent of writing to a problem page for an objective view. I am not talking behind her back!!!

[Dark Angel]

Ok Scarlett, point taken. Sorry if my statement offended you. What I meant was, since she's your sister you could tell her that you are concerned. But I understand that it could cause an argument if she gets defensive.

[Dark Angel]

p.s. I'm just being objective and trying to imagine what I'd do if I were in a similar situation. Emailing or writing is not always advisable as this makes your words permanent. It maybe better to speak to her on the phone, (as opposed to face to face) so nobody else gets involved, and it doesn't turn into a confrontation.

[woofgang]

yes, it is like writing to a problem page and IMHO its not a good thing to do that either about someone else's problem without their knowledge. In either case the person concerned could find out what you have done and get shirty!!