cheating/lying men

[milly1984]

I have been with my man for nearly 3 years. He is 24 this year and I am his 6th sexual partner (which I don't think is a lot for a guy, opinions appreciated on that please!!!!). I recently found out he lied to me a few times about silly things such has going off a few days/nights for a sneaky smoke (coz I previously said I would leave him if he ever smoked!) So he finally admitted it (thanks to his and i confronting him!), he cried etc, told me I was better off without him and said he only lied coz he was afraid I'd leave him. We are still together but it always hurts me bad when I think about it, not so much the fact he smoked but the fact he lied to me.
 
I get scared now coz I read that men that will lie about something will lie constantly, and although I have never thought of it before I get scared he will lie about other stuff or even cheat! He has promised to tell me every single thing, and I do see him every night but can't help but always think 'he's lied before, he could lie again'. He has been cheated on quite a lot in his past relationships and said he would never ever cheat on anyone, and says that he would certainly not do something that he would not want done to him. But I have heard that if guys are offered sex etc they will definitely take it, even if they have a partner. Now how true is this? Are all guys like that? Guys out there would you cheat on your partners for any reason? What should I think about him lying to me?


 

[beale]

I wouldn't worry too much. If he got that upset because he lied to you about being a smoker he would surely be devastated if he slept with someone else. Not all men who are offered sex accept it whether they have a partner or not. Whoever told you that was being pretty daft. Remember, your fella only lied because you said you leave him if he smoked. Try and relax about the whole thing, relationships shouldn't be bound by rules like that.

[milly1984]

I was silly by saying I'd leave him if he smoked, I'm just an anti-smoker! But I really didn't mean what I said and that was right at the start of our relationship, I'm surprised he even rememebred! And I just noticed my mistake- It was his friend and I that confronted him as his friend knew what he was up to!!

[natalie_1982]

I think you're being pretty unfair by putting that pressure on him not to smoke.  You're his girlfriend, it's not upto you to plan his life and how he should live it.  Maybe if you relaxed a little, and said something like "I'm ok with you smoking socially, just not when we are together" he'd be more likely to tell you things.  You have to accept that you are going to enjoy separate things that maybe the other won't like.  There are far worse things he could be lying about and doing than smoking (assuming we're not talking blow).

[andy hughes]

A relationship is always based on trust - it's only the degree of trust that varies.

I can understand how your man's silly lies have made you feel insecure, and it is his responsibility to reassure you, and help you to get past this unpleasant incident.

I would never agree that any man will have sex if it is offered - any more than any woman would. Each gender is made up of individuals - and they all behave as individuals, so forget the generalisation,

Concentrate on being happy, and although you should never take anyone for granted, you have to allow that doubts are part of the human condition, and make sure that you keep them in perspective.

[jills]

wow you guys sound like you're wound a bit tightly.  I do think maybe you would both benefit from just relaxing a bi and not being so bound by rules and threats and worries.  Easy said I know, but from what you've described and the fact that you see each other every night, yours sounds like a potentially claustrophobic relationship.  (unless of course you live together, in which case you'd be bound to see each other every night). 

You have to get your doubts in perspective.   He lied about the smoking, but then you lied about leaving him if he smoked!  It doesn't mean either of you is going to go off with someone else, why should it?  To think that every guy would take sex if it were offered is daft - for the reasons that Andy pointed out. The difference between sneaking out for a fly smoke  and having sex with someone else behind your girlfriends back is rather a big leap and from the tears at confrontation time, I don't think your fella is the type to make that leap. 

[milly1984]

Thanks for your answers so far guys, and natalie- he has smoked pot behind my back. Thing is I found out it was something he went offf to do when he was streesed out for some reason, so it happened quite a few times!

[milly1984]

sorry- stressed

[Pinotage]

Its a man/woman thing. You think of it as lying, he thinks of it as not worrying you and making yoiu happy.

You lay down laws he doesn't keep, he tells you he hasn't broken them, he's happy, you're happy. Until you find out.

I think you already know the nature of this man. If you don't like it, move on, because it won't change.

One could argue that if you love him you love him for who he is, and perhaps you're see him as raw material to change into what you want.

Will he have sex with someone else? Depends. Its in our nature.

[milly1984]

So Pinotage you are saying that it is in a man's nature to cheat?

[Pootle]

Why did he start smoking in the first place? Maybe he is a little stressed at the moment. Perhaps you could ask him what is on his mind. Then you and his friend ganged up on him and then made him cry! Poor guy. As an ex smoker, I know how very difficult it is to give up once started. Now he is even more stressed because he is trying to give up and you are threatening to break up with him. How about supporting him and talking to him. Concentrate on your relationship and don't believe everything you read on the net. And another thing, if you love someone and you are committed, you will not cheat, doesnt matter if you are man or a woman. End of story.

[Bottom]

Hi milly

I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill, I don't belive all men cheat, if your happy and in love then there is no need, I think people only cheat when something is wrong in a relationship and then they are not worth it after all. But your guy seems fine.

[willow74]

Sorry Milly but i think you need to get a grip. If you push this man too much he will bolt.  You need to give a boyf/girlf freedom to be themselves not who you want and expect them to be. 

Everything you ask you ask a follow up question to it so i dont think you'll be happy with his responses no matter what he says. 

If you like this person then just like them for who they are. You cant say that in the relationship you havent told one little white lie or omitted the truth.  You are not a confession box! 

 

Sorry to be harsh but i truly think you need to just enjoy this relationship and not evaluate all that the poor man does.

[undercovers]

milly you crazy kid - relationships are not about control, power or setting rules - your sounds like quite a poor relationship and a feel sorry for you both (but mostly for your fella) as you seem in be insecure, manipulative and well ... mean.

[landie]

Milly, I should refer you to my previous answer to another recent question 'Does anyone know how a woman's brain works'.

[magentared]

I have to agree with some of the others about needed to relax. About the cheating thing, it doesn't really sound like you trust him, if you don't can you really expect this relationship to last?

[milly1984]

I have always trusted him, but a lot of that trust got shattered after I found out he lied to me!! I am trying to rebuild on that now

[Pinotage]

So Pinotage you are saying that it is in a man's nature to cheat? 
 
What do you mean by cheat? If you mean so something he wants to even though you have nagged him not to, he doesn't see that as cheating. What you don't know doesn't harm you.

If you mean having sex with someone while in a relationship with someone else, there's no doubt. You only have to look at your newspaper to see that it is a daily ocurrence among the powerful and famous.

[Casey]

Pinotage you cannot judge every guy by what you read in the paper!! As if!! Papers are usually full of bull anyway! milly I have been in a similar situation in the past, he certainly does not sound like the kind of guy that would cheat on you, he sounds very protective and does not want to hurt you by the silly little things he does. Try and forgive him and tell him you want to have a very open relationship, communication is essential! Or it will never work.

[bballwardy7]

my friend with a 27 year old and she is his 5th sexual partner. do not think its weird just think that he is with you for more than just sex and that he cares and appreicates the feelings of the people of who he is with! He sees you for who you are and not just as something to sleep with be grateful!!!