under hand behavour

[Boobars]

Since I have had a new partner My ex husband around this time tells me that he is going for custody of the children. We have been separted since my eldest was 6 he is now 11. and I have been with my new partner for 2 half years though we have only just moved in together.

The problem is that he tells the children that he wants them to live with him because he misses them and that they have lived with me for 12 days at one time for about 5 years even though he has works away and does long days and does see them on tuesday evening for about 4hrs after school and every other weekend and when ever he is not working after school (as long as he wishes to take the children to there after school clubs if they want to go).

Children being children think that this is fair and my eldest got very upset when I told him that I wasn't going to discuss this with him ( my son) has it was something that myself and their father need to sort out. apart from my ex discussing it with the children he has not mentioned it to me this year. last year he screamed it at me but nothing came of it apart from upset waters.

I am just worried about the long term affects of my kids hearing this every year, Their father has never sent me a letter from himself or from his solicitor and is always saying that he is skint and can hardky afford to feed himself.

How do I get my children to understand that their dad is being minipulative and is doing it as its they only thing he can do now for a reaction. when ever I ask him for help with the children because they are ill and could he take time of work he just laughs and tells me its my problem.

When they are at his house it is all fun and no homework or bounderies they just run riot. I have seen them out with im and its embarrising as they do not act that way with me they just think that I don't know how to "have a Laugh or chill out"

Any Ideas ?

[saxy_jag]

It is not just something that you and the kids' father need to sort out - it's for them to be involved too, especially at the age of eleven. If your ex does apply for parental responsibility, then the court will take the children's wishes into account when making its decision.

As for hearing it every year, perhaps if you did sit down and talk about with them - even if that's only the eldest, then at least they would know what's going on and, seeing you a little more chilled about things, may just decide for themselves that it's really not worth getting into a stew about themselves. You'd be amazed how sensible and grown up an eleven year old can be about these things. Better that than the kids turn into bitter adults remembering that their parent(s) never told them anything - believe me, that can take a lifetime to shake off.

[alfiesgirl]

Apart from the fact that your ex says that he is going to apply for custody (which, after five years doesn't seem very likely) he sounds like a good enough Dad. It sounds to me that he made this promise when you both 1st seperated but has now seen sense and knows that the idea just isn't feasible and sees his kids at every opportunity he can! I know that you feel that you have the raw end of the deal and possibly you do but the kids are the important factor whilst still young and as they get a little older they do begin to realise whats what and though they may not realise it now so much, they will work it out for themselves just how much you do for them. Even in families that arn't seperated there is usually a "goody" and a "baddy" as far as how the kids see it anyway and they work out from a young age who is which for particular things and the goody, baddy parents wonder themselves which one they are sometimes too as kids tend to switch them around a lot. All in all you sound as though you have a rather nice set-up on the parenting side and maybe just need a little work on the relationship side between your ex and yourself rather than try finding fault in his parenting. Good luck!

[Le Chat]

It is common practise that when children are with the non residential parent (usually the Dad) then their life is full of no boundaries and like a holiday. This just is what it is and it happens to most families who are split like this. The issue is your ex telling the children that he wants them with him and yet not telling or discussing it with you. I think like sexy_jag says that you should explain to your oldest that obviously Dad would love you to live with him but for all types of practical reasons ie, work and childcare then it's not possible. Maybe when he's older it may be possible. Your ex probably doesn't really want them anyway and you'd soon find that out if push came to shove. x

[karenmac60]

This sounds just like my ex - life with him was always one big treat for my daughter. I might not be able to get money for shoes for her from daddy, but he could always buy her treats and take her to the pictures - then have a go at me for not taking her places. Then when he didn't get his way he'd threaten to go for full custody as he was a much better parent than me. The thing is, she's now 13 and prefers to spend time with her friends - something daddy never liked or encouraged - so now she doesn't want to go and stay with him, regardless of what he can buy her. I know it's difficult and has you tearing your hair out just now, but as the kids get older they'll come to their senses and realise their dad's not all he's cracked up to be.

[Boobars]

Thankseveryone for your reply. The thing is that he wouldn't really want them living with him. I know this because he would have done something about it years ago. As Karen Mac 60 say's it is just something that will pass and hopefully I will have some hair left.