How can I stop feeling so insecure - Part 2

[buffymad]

When I stand back and look, I realise that loads of things I think are complete rubbish. Nothing has happened (from hubby's side) to make me think anything otherwise. I trust him 100%. He's more confident than me so trying to understand where I'm coming from is even harder for him. Its getting me down coz we have big arguments about it (generally when I've opened my big mouth about something stupid) so I know I need to do something to change the way I think.

But where do I start? How do I stop thinking things like ... every time he gets a text I think "is that her" (no, its usually not and if it is its about what time hes getting picked up) ... why is she picking him up earlier today, that must mean she's up to something ... etc etc. God, I sound paranoid dont I and maybe I am too!! Dont know if its a mix of insecurity, jealousy and paranoia but I dont know how to change my mindset and see things from a different perspective.

I do need to do it though otherwise I'm gonna drive hubby away - and I know I'm overreacting most of the time.

Any ideas anyone please?

[sara3]

1) you should have posted both part of your question in one thread. most people won't get the full story.

2) do you want to be with someone who in unattractive and has no personality? would you not rather be with someone who is still capable of turning heads, and is likeable?

you have every reason to be proud of your man. he's given you no cause for suspicion but may start to get fed up if you keep behaving like this. be grateful and happy with your lot, and don't drive him away.

[hippyhoppy]

I concur with Sara..

[buffymad]

Sorry, I ran out of characters and believe me, I've already shortened it.

Agree with what you say and am happy "with my lot". Just want to know how to think more positively really.

[ummmm]

Well every time you start having a negative thought...think of something positive.

I think Sara meant you could have posted the second half under the first half instead of opening a new thread.

[sara3]

I did ummmm, thank you :o)

apart from this jealousy, write down the pros and cons of your life. I think you'll find you have much to be happy about. maybe you need to fill your own time better. do you work?

[buffymad]

Sorry Sara - didn't think of posting the second half in that way - my bad!

Yes, I do work full time. I know I'm a nice person and have plenty of pros I can write down. Its just irrational when I think things and I know that.

When hubby started his new job everything changed - I had to pay for more things (he took a large wage cut but we'd discussed all that and knew we could cope), his hours changed which means he works weekends quite often. That took a lot of getting used to after so many years of the same routine. That makes it sound like we were stuck in a rut but we weren't!! I got used to all the new changes but there just seemed to be one thing afer another and while he can accept them all as normal to him, it didnt feel normal to me. It was like he was changing with this new job (not in a bad way) but I was still the same person in my same job (which I love) - so my thoughts etc hadnt changed but he'd kind of changed the way he thought about stuff. Does that make sense? So when the whole lift thing started (oh, and all the girls from his work text too - its the kind of job where you want to know whats happening all the time - involving animals) it was like a change too much and I started thinking oh well she might be more interesting than me, he might find they've more in common coz they work at the same place etc. All total rubbish like I said - so I know my thoughts are ridiculous and I just want to change them.

Would love to think of a positive thought each time I had a bad one - just a bit hard to do at the time when its happening!!

[buffymad]

I did actually think of hypnotherapy actually. Any experience of it helping this kind of thing?

[cherrychapstick]

I've been married for 12 years and been together with my hubby for nearly 22 years. All fine and dandy although I'll admit I was very insecure at the start of the relationship - I don't know why as nothing has ever happened to make me feel insecure. Anyhow, my husband had a major change of job which meant him working with females (shock!) - he'd been in a normally male environment before that. I've met all the girls at his work & like them although at the start I was a bit prickly about it - daft I know. One of the girls gives him a lift to work and back, she doesn't live too far away and it gives him more time at home. Anyway, through one thing and another I've gotten really insecure about this. I dont feel 100% comfortable with this woman although I trust him 100%. She's ok, I've chatted on with her and she doesnt act differently with me or anything (she lives with her own boyfriend by the way). Hubby has done nothing whatsoever to make me suspicious and actually reassures me about everything coz I've spoken to him about this. BUT I just hate having the feeling that she might fancy him and I get upset about it. He doesnt think she does. Shes one of these people who have lots of male friends. So I dont know if I'm just insecure coz its just been "me and him" for so long and now new people have arrived on the scene that I have no control over (that sounds bad but I dont mean it that way!).

Hubby has reassured me time and time again but sometimes I just cant help myself and say something catty or nasty and then he gets annoyed coz he cant see why I'm still acting like this!

[cherrychapstick]

When I stand back and look, I realise that loads of things I think are complete rubbish. Nothing has happened (from hubby's side) to make me think anything otherwise. I trust him 100%. He's more confident than me so trying to understand where I'm coming from is even harder for him. Its getting me down coz we have big arguments about it (generally when I've opened my big mouth about something stupid) so I know I need to do something to change the way I think.

But where do I start? How do I stop thinking things like ... every time he gets a text I think "is that her" (no, its usually not and if it is its about what time hes getting picked up) ... why is she picking him up earlier today, that must mean she's up to something ... etc etc. God, I sound paranoid dont I and maybe I am too!! Dont know if its a mix of insecurity, jealousy and paranoia but I dont know how to change my mindset and see things from a different perspective.

I do need to do it though otherwise I'm gonna drive hubby away - and I know I'm overreacting most of the time.

[cherrychapstick]

how long has he had this new job buffymad ,it could be that you are still adjusting as it seems to have been a big change in both your lives,just watch you are not pushing him away as this being catty will eventually do ,there must be some reason you feel like this why were you insecure at the start of your relationship?

[buffymad]

New job been going for year and a half now. Definitely led to a lot of changes. Why was I insecure originally? I'm not sure. I think he was my first proper relationship (nothing else had amounted to much) and I was amazed he could want little old me. Which sounds really stupid coz even though outwardly I looked like I had loads of confidence I was actually quite shy. Used to panic if he went out with
his mates he'd meet someone better etc. He knew I was like this and worked through it and for absolutely ages I was a different person! Like I said I trust him, there's not one thing to make me suspicious. Just not at ease coz I don't know what his "taxi driver" is thinking! Have talked all this through so he knows where I'm coming from and he's reassured me about it all again. He can kind of see where I'm coming from but as he can see there's nothing to worry about, he wants me to be able to feel the same. So all very comforting to be honest but I still want to stop these stupid thoughts. Like his mobile kept going off last night and I'm thinking bet I know who that is ... nope it was his (male) friend! I need to untrain my brain somehow ...

[cherrychapstick]

do you and your husband have time that you could maybe go out together,do things both of you used to do together ,have you got children? if so have they left home in the last few years as this would also contribute to you feeling insecure ,a put would try and put this work colleague out of my mind to be honest as your husband sounds sure this girl has no feelings in that way for him ,she sounds like she is just doing what i would do if i was working with anyone and it was easy for me to pick them up i would i am just that kind of person which could be the case with his work colleague too ,i would be a bit dubious now after reading this because i wouldn't want anyone feeling the way you do

Cherry xx

[buffymad]

Thanks Cherry, you're actually making me feel better!

No children. Hard to do stuff together as I get weekends off and he doesn't know week to week when his 2 days will be off. But we do go to the pub after work every
now and again and if we are off together we do go out. It's not like he's going out without me either!

Yeah, you've got a point. I can chat to blokes like I can to women and I don't think
about that. I think I've thought in the past well she knows he's married, she's met me and so why is she so over helpful (that's the way I saw it). But like you say, anyone can be friendly and that's all there is to it. It's not like I see married men at work and think ooh I'd better not speak to them for too long!!

I'm actually smiling while typing this, thank you!!

[cherrychapstick]

your welcome ,glad i have made you smile ,i just hope you keep it up :)

wish you all the best for 2010 and remember let us know how things are going


Cherry xx

[buffymad]

Update so far ... All going well - most of the time. I now seem to have stopped thinking a certain way and feel more at ease about things - hurrah! The only sticking point is with his phone. I still cringe every time it goes off and wonder who it is. Hubby will tell me if I ask (or even offers info up
himself) but doesn't feel like he should have to do this. I know there shouldn't be a problem with people texting him, including his co worker, but it narks me that she can
give him a lift home then be texting him later. Why can't it wait til she picks him up next day? I know that sounds unreasonable. I don't suppose it even crosses her mind that I'm happy to see him when he gets home and that she's interrupting by texting! But that's the way it feels to me.

How can I get out of this last niggly way of reacting? I never used to be like this so am sure there must be something that can make me react differently?

Am doing so well (quicker than I thought) so really want this last bit to work too!!

[cherrychapstick]

tell him how you are feeling if it is going as well as you say he will know the hard work you have put into what you have achieved so far tell him you actually feel alot better with her picking him up and stuff but you still feel a little insecure with the texts but you are trying to stop feeling insecure about them and just to bare with you for the time being when you feel comfortable enough occasionally when he offers to show you try saying no its ok ....whatever you call him..... try not to ask him and this will get easier in time


Hope you had a nice christmas and new year

Cherry xx