I need some advice please

[sands]

Can any one help me? I love my husband he is my world. We dont have many arguments but when we do they almost always are to do with his sister.  His sister once said some very hurtfull and nasty things to me. This was a couple of years ago now, so for my husbands sake I have tried to put them to the back of my head. We still go to see them and they come to ours and I can just about cope with that. But a few days ago my hubby came home and mentioned about going away with them, but when I said I dont think I would like it, he hit the roof saying that I have a problem with his family. His sister drinks alot and swears alot and dont think I could stand being with her for longer than odd evening we all spend together. He hasnt spoken to me know for a few days now and I think this is going to split us up. I sometimes think that I married his sister and not just him. I am that way now I am scared to say anything about her as we always end up having a row.



     

  
 

[sands]

What forgot to say is does anyone think I am in the wrong or his he. Am I right to voice my opinion are should I stay quite. He seems to think it is me that is just being nasty.

[butter1]

Its a difficult one but your husband must see your point of view and shouldn't storm into a row when he can't get his own way.  Just try and keep things calm, try sitting him down and just explain that although you 'do' like his sister you wouldn't fully enjoy yourself on a weeks holiday with her and you'd much prefer and romantic week after just the two of you instead.  Surely because your husband can't get his own way does that mean you will split up...your just worrying too much, try to calm down sweetie.  I hope some other people come up with better suggestions then me. Take care.

[sands]

Thank you so much for your reply. I have tried to talk to him but wont listen to me. This is the reason for us not even speaking to each other for a couple of days. I am begining to think that he thinks more of his sister than me and that I either get on with his sister or our marraige wont work.

[andy hughes]

Families, you can't beat 'em, unfortunately!

butter1 is right, you need to talk this over. Best place to do that is over a nice relaxed meal, in public, so it can't degenerate into a shouting match. Make sure you stay calm, easier said than done I know, but you have to make sure you do. Point out that your sister-in-law is fine, and you have no serious issues, but you feel that a holiday away is too much like pressure, for all concerned, and it would be nicer for just the two of you to go.

If your husband is insistant, then you need to politely but firmly insist that you don't want to go, and as his wife, your feelings come first. If he insists on making this a major issue, then you need to look if there are any underlying issues between you, and he is just using this as a peg to hang them on. If that's the case, then some counselling might be a good idea to get to the bottom of things. Good luck - and don't worry, most couples have 'family' issues, it goes with the territory.

[silly moo]

Just wondering, are they twins by any chance?
Twins are usually very close and often feel the need to be together more than most siblings.
I know this doesn't really help you.
Personally I feel that when you marry you put your husband / wife first and so with the few facts at my disposal I think he is wrong in his attitude.
A holiday spent with people you don't get along with is a recipe for disaster.

[kick3m0n]

You love him, and say he's your world, but I think the problem is that you are not his world.  Sorry, that sounds a bit harsh, but it doesn't seem like he's half as sensitive to your feelings as you are to his.  He sounds like a wee bit of a childish bully.  I mean, a grown up not speaking to his wife for days because she doesn't want to go on holiday with the in-laws?  Extreme reaction surely?  Maybe I've got this wrong, but things don't sound very equal in your partnership if he won't even discuss this with you, and automatically sides with his sister over you.   You obviously love this man very much, so I hope you can get him to listen to you and consider your feelings for once.  It's not so much that if you don't get on with his sister your marriage won't work, it's if he doesn't have enough respect for your feelings, then your marriage won't work. Good luck and big hugs.

[sands]

No there not twins.

I to think he over reacts but he doesn't seem to think he does. He just thinks I have a problem. Think it is because he gets on with my family. He has many a time said things about my brothers but I do not react the way he does as I think he has the right to voice his opinion.

[smudge]

Hi sands - can't add much more to what's already been said, except as they say 'you don't really know people until you've been on holiday with them' & that is so true.

If you do decide to 'give in' & go on holiday with the in-laws, it will be sure to either make or break your relationship with them.

As for your husband - it wouldn't be fair to condemn someone you don't know, but I was thinking along similar lines to kick when I read your question.

Personally, if I felt like you do about your sister-in-law, I wouldn't go on the holiday, but I wish you good luck in what ever you do decide to do. Chin up.

[Englishbird]

I think you have to calmly explain to him that you don't feel as though you have much in common with his sister and that whilst you will always make the effort with her because you understand how much it means to him, he has to understand that you don't find it easy.

That said (and playing devils advocate) your life would be easier if you did get on with her.  If she said hurtful things about you, it could be out of being over-protective over her brother and not a direct personal attack on you.  Maybe she felt insecure and saw you as a threat.  Maybe it is worth one last go to see if you can get on with her.

How about a compromise, you go on holiday but your husband understands that you don't want to spend all your time with them. (i'd suggest making it a short holiday just in case).

When people are spiteful or nasty it is nearly always because there is something going on in their lives or their heads and not because of anything that you have done.  Good luck.

[jno]

yes, I think kick has a point there: family disagreements do happen, but for one person to refuse to speak to the other for days sounds extreme, and I can't help wondering if there are other issues, perhaps ones he's been simmering over for a while. Andy's suggestion of a meal, in public, is a good one. But I'm not sure I go along with the notion of saying you love your sister-in-law but just don't want to spend your holiday with her.... sounds like you don't love her at all, and while I wouldn't recommend risking a nuclear explosion by saying this, I think you could just make it clear you really don't want a holiday with in-laws. That's a reasonable enough stance, and a pretty good general principle too.

And yes, a husband's first duty is to his wife and vice versa; that's what the bit in the old marriage service, about 'forsaking all others', means.

[Lindylou]

Instead to talking 'face-to-face' why don't you try putting your thoughts/feelings down on paper, i.e. a letter.  You could give it to him and walk away.  Hopefully he'll read it and realise exactly what you are going through and why you don't want to do something he thinks you should!  Sometimes it helps to have 'stuff' in black and white and he can't start yelling at you if you aren't there.  Good Luck!