friendship issues

[Jules001]

My daughter,who is 13, is having friendship problems at the moment. Basically at her last school she had two special friends both of whom moved to her new school with her and although they were all in different classes the friendship continued both in and out of school. In my daughter's class there was a girl who didn't seem to have any friends and as she walked home the same way as my daughter and her friends she asked if she could walk with them. They all welcomed her into their group. However things have been going wrong with this new girl saying things to each of the girls in turn telling them that one of the other girls has been bad-mouthing them. She has now succeeded in turning both of my daughter's original friends against my daughter and if my daughter attempts to talk to anyone else, this girl says things like "oh by the way X & Y don't want you to talk to them anymore." I know I can't interfere with this, but it is so hard to see my daughter so unhappy . I give my daughter advice if she asks for it, she knows that she can always turn to me for any help and she knows that I love her and support her in everything she does, but should I keep out of this one or should I intervene in some way?

[callisto]

jules ....what a nightmare motherhood can be at times i swear its far more stressful than work ever was! being the mother of 3 girls myself 14,12 and 7 i too have  had these sorts of situations....and boy they are not easy to get through but get through you do ,and the best way i found was not to interfere aswe know as adults friendships comeand gobut true friends stay forever . The best friendship your daughter can have is with you and your support is invaluable she knows that whatever happens you care and want the best for her...... imsure that this hiccup will sort itself soon enough in the mean time carry on doing what moms do best LOVE x

[justineo]

Hi Jules

Callisto and andy obviously know what they are talking about but all I can say is try to keep your daughter's self-esteem up. Try to help her see that the actions of the other girls shows their insecurities and shortcomings, not hers.  Also, things are always changing and within weeks people can change their minds again.  New friends will come along.  Hopefully, her original friends will be able to see the truth.  If they can't she may be better off without them.

REally hope it turns out OK

[FP]

Diverting somewhat, I have a son and have also worked in schools for years.  Why is it that it's always the girls that have these 'fall outs' which cause so much unhappiness.  Boys are so much up front.  They fall out - have a fight and then it's forgotten.  They don't seem so worried about having 'best friends' either.  For less complicated than us females!

I was always grateful that my only child was a boy, (although I would love a daughter as well).

Sound advice given on this thread.  Very hard not to get involved though.

[Jules001]

I've got a son as well who is older which is why I needed the advice whether to butt in or not. As FP says these issues simply don't occur with boys, I have worked in schools too and it is always the girls that have these problems. It has been going on for a good few weeks now and with last week being half term, I thought it might come to a head, but it hasn't and my daughter hasn't seen any friends over the break. I think in my heart of hearts I knew that I should stay out of it, but just needed to have it confirmed, so thanks everyone and I will try and keep my mouth shut and my ideas and feelings to myself on this one. She has already said that she can't see why the other girls are going along with the new girl and that hopefully it won't be long before they see her in her true colours.
Justineo - I always praise her and am very positive to her in everything and have told her brother to specifically lay off of teasing her at the moment as she is very unhappy. I'll let you know if and when the situation improves!

[justineo]

Sorry Jules, I was trying to find something positive you could do, if you didn't want to directly intervene.  I didn't mean to imply that you weren't doing everything you can.  I think that parents feel useless when something is happening at school because their child is outside of their protection and I don't know how schools can monitor all pupils at all times. 

[Jules001]

Justineo - don't worry I didn't take offence with your post, I just meant to say that I keep up her self-esteem by being positive and not saying negative things to her about school work , her choice of friends etc. I didn't want it to seem that your post hadn't been taken on board as it is very good advice.

[Adi's mom]

I am a mother of a very small boy but already anticipate whats instore for me. A caring and involved mother can be getting nightmares about her childs happiness. I do remember my school days, and ofcourse friendships are such an important part of growing up. As your daughter will grow up, non of this would matter too much to her, and she would have learnt a lot from such experiences. But presently the situation is emotionally challenging for her. I would say, talk to her as much as possible, about general things, about your experiences, if she needs help(ever) she will come to you, casue the doors of communication are always open. It is upto the mother to do that, and not the other way round. And please do boost her confidence, what if frineds are not around at the moment, you will always be there.

[Jules001]

Just thought I would give everyone an update on this. The girl who had been badmouthing my daughter eventually was caught out on a lie that she told to the other girls, they realised that if she had lied about this then she had probably lied about everything else , so they made the first move to make friends again with my daughter, just in time for the holidays, which is good. The 'problem' girl is still part of their group, but I think they all take what she says now with a pinch of salt and don't believe anything she says. It was hard to take a back seat, but I am pleased I did it and even more pleased for my daughter that everything has worked out ok.