Some Steven Wright one-liners:
I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”
I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.
My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.