Advice Appreciated

[TheNewSchmoo]

Hello, I'm a 32 year old female who's never had a relationship. I'm attracted to both sexes, but mainly girls. I lost my virginity through peer pressure. I was very drunk and on drugs. It was to a stranger and when I told him to stop he wouldn't.One time I was so drunk at a work's do and I kissed a male colleague in front of the whole office. The last time I had sex, about five years ago, I was on drugs again and it was with a total stranger in nightclub toilets, I felt so dirty and ashamed afterwards and vowed never to have sex again. Another time I was clubbing, intoxicated again and kissed a girl from work, although she responded, we felt awkward next day and it ruined our friendship. I haven't bothered going out much since and my one close friend tells me I come across as standoffish. I have such low self-esteem and have completely given up.

[B00]

I'm confused. What kinda advise are you seeking? whether it's ok for you to fancy other women? whether you should go out more?

[Andy008]

If when you lost your virginity, and you told him to stop and he didn't, why did you not report it as a rape?

I'd reccommend giving up drugs and alcohol, as some people simply are not born to drink.

There's nothing wrong with shagging in nightclubs toilets either.

[maximo]

Hello there ! you seem to have been very traumatised by your first experiences, and rightfully so. If you told that man to stop, and he didn't , then this is rape, as much as you might not want to admit it. And it was not your fault. Nothing you can do, or say, can ever justify such an act. The fact that you seem to have had those experiences while high on drugs , or drunk, is I think more a reflection of your low self esteem than of what you might consider an inability to have a relationship. It is a vicious circle. You did those things because you don't think very highly of yourself, as you are saying yourself, and in return, they make you feel even worse. I think the best thing you can do is to approach a councellor, or talk to your GP, who will point you in the right direction. You have a lot on your chest, and seem to be feeling very insecure. There is no shame in seeking help, in fact it requires a lot of courage.

So please, try and talk to someone about it, and be assured that it is not your fault , and that things can very much get better.

I wish you all the best ! X

[dabees]

The only help i can offer is forget about the past and start to love yourself. We all make mistakes, thats life. Find out who you are in your own time and when you are happy with yourself, you will find your neace in life. (forgive my spelling please) when you are happy then you will attract people who think the way you do. Life is full of differances, thats what makes us unique. All the best to you and keep us informed of your future and all the happy times we wish you.   

[neathgirl]

Andy008 - although this rape took place sometimes you do not wish to to report it.  I suspect TheNewSchmoo did not do this cos she had been drinking and cos other reasons like family/friends reactions.  when ur in that situation even though it mite seem clear cut for other people ur not quite sure if it is indeed rape and u tend to blame urself for whats happened "why didnt i do more to stop it happening" etc. another contributing factor is the fact that the individual might feel that going to the police will bring about more problems, and tho mite seem stupid to others is very important to the individual this has happened to, such as ur past being delved into and coming under ridicule/scrutiny and the fear of becoming powerless again i.e. the rape taking place has taken something away from you that you cant get back and going to the police would yet again take away the power from u due to the judicial system. 

i just found ur reply a little insensitive - its not always as clear cut as portrayed in films and tv. Sometimes there is no violence.  sometimes ur just incredibly scared and the sheer physical presence of the man in question can be enough to make you feel so afraid and scared you just go along with things cos ur too frightened not to.  sometimes you just want it all over and done with as quickly as possible so u pacify the rapist.  sometimes some men do not understand the word NO regardless of how many times you say it.  sometimes you do not want to make things official because you're scared of people's reactions as they do not understand the full circumstances and are quick to judge when in actual fact u just want to work it out in ur own head and hopefully have the support of a close friend who can listen to you without judging you. 
So please do not be insensitive or form opinions of what should or should not be done - everyone deals with things differently xxx

[Emily Ball]

Contrary to Andy008's statement, there is everything wrong with 'shagging in nightclub toilets' if the result is shame and low self-esteem, not to mention the concomitant risks of venereal disease, AIDS and unwanted pregnancy. Women are generally not as physically strong as men and taking drugs and alcohol makes them even more vulnerable to sexual abuse. I suspect that if you were to ask most men why they go to nightclubs the answer "to meet a nice girl and form a long-term relationship" would not even figure in their replies. You don't have to go to nightclubs to have a good social life and meet a decent man who will value you for yourself . Get yourself out of the rut and get some drug counselling as a first step and give the clubs the go-by, at least until you have regained some self-esteem.

[jodie1404]

ur obviouslt quite traumatised and had a bad time! i suggest u avoid drugs they arent doin u any good r they?? look wer they have got you!! and get yoursel;f some respect and dignity and start enjoying yourself!!  your still young with ur whole life ahead of you! with this will come more confidence and u'l be able to put the past behind and have a fresh start and it sounds like thats what u need!! dont waste away anymore of ure life on drugs and foolish mistakes that can esily be avoided! u are worth more than that!!!!      good luck